I feel older. It's weird, it usually takes a longer time for it to sink in, but I've been coming to terms with being 20 all year, so it feels pretty natural. It didn't feel like my birthday today though. Don't get me wrong, people were pretty good about bending to my will, but it feels like spring, and I was at the office all day.
I posted awhile ago about seeing the movie "Twilight", I read the book today. I bought it for myself as a birthday present, I even had the hipster at Talking Leaves wrap it for me (mostly because I wanted him to think I was buying it as a gift for someone else, and that I don't read trendy vampire romance novels myself.). It turned out to be just what I wanted, and I was very pleased to have something to open and know that it was something I would enjoy. It was sort of like eating a pint of ice cream all by myself though, I even have a headache now. I should've paced myself, but instead I charged through the whole thing in one day, and now I feel...not accomplished, but sort of drained. And kind of like I was pressing my nose to the window of someone luckier than me that has someone to love. The book made me feel lonely. And a little dumber. I'm glad I read it though, and I'm really glad I don't want to read the other books. It's like the show "Dexter"; I burned through the first season, but I don't want to watch anymore. That was enough.
I'm going to be exhausted in the morning. Birthdays are a trial. I feel sort of disappointed in myself for not even trying to celebrate, but I really think I'll start celebrating my half-birthday this year. Which is in...June. Damn. I'm never going to celebrate during the year, am I? Fortunately, 20-year old Caroline is able to rise above the birthday blues and treat it as just another day. Oh! Saint Caroline Day is May 9! Cool, this has potential.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The relatives came over tonight for a game night. It sounds harmless enough, but our family takes these things very seriously. EGA and I are on a similar wavelength, and so we are usually separated, but we paired up for Pictionary because it was a matter of honor. My aunt had placed a dollar bet on my other aunt and her daughter to win, and so it was imperative that we present a strong front. We started out slow, EGA is a good artist, but she couldn't guess any of my drawings at first, which held us back. The game dragged on, but I was never bored, my heart was going pitter pat the entire time, and everyone kept giggling tensely. We eventually pulled ahead and won by a pretty wide margin. I couldn't help crowing about it a little, but I quickly pulled myself together and shook hands. It was a tense game, people kept accusing people of cheating, and when my aunt's team started to lag, my cousin got impatient with my aunt. Pictionary inspires strong emotions in our family.
I love games. We don't play too many games, but it's always nice when we do. It's crazy and competitive, but fun, like going for a run. I'm actually tired now, I was on such an adrenaline rush during the game. We were going to play Taboo afterwards, but everyone was too tired. The party let out shortly after the game finished, and now we're just sitting.
I donated plasma today. It was my first ever time, and I didn't really like it very much at all. It was much more uncomfortable than giving whole blood. I don't like the look of plasma the way I like blood, it reminded me of a catheter bag. My iron was high enough though, and that was nice, it's been a long time since I was able to give. Giving blood meant I couldn't go to yoga, but I think it was worth it. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. It's a good thing I'm going back to work on Monday, all of this leisure time is making me lazy.
Friday, December 26, 2008
I feel full of potential tonight. The world is wide before me, and I want to head straight out and start doing things. Which is all well and good, but I never even left the house today, I just lumped around reading Margaret Atwood and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I applied for another ten SCA internships, they have to take me somewhere. It all sounds pretty good, and I'm not picky. The biggest problem is that I don't have any real skills, I can't even drive a car. I keep applying for positions that require a valid driver's license though, I figure I have time before the summer to get one, provided I get on my horse about it. Boys are always insincerely offering to teach me how to drive, I wish one of them meant it. It's such a random line to use, and they all offer when I tell them I don't know how. It implies a commitment I guess, but they never mean it.
I want to adopt a baby from Uganda. I gave my mother a bracelet video for Christmas, and I just watched it. It's about a girl that was kidnapped when she was ten years old and made into a soldier for the LRA. She was also raped repeatedly, and when she escaped she found out she was pregnant. It was very very sad, and it made me want to go to Uganda and help. It also made me want to adopt a baby from Uganda, because babies like the one this girl had are called "bush babies" and are looked down upon because they are living reminders of the war. It's all very sad. I know there are a lot of babies and older children that need homes in the United States, and it seems frivolous to fly to Africa for a baby, but it is also important. And at least ten years in the future. Hopefully the war will be over before then, and all of the Ugandan babies will be set and won't need to be adopted.
I cannot wait to go to Smith. I'm very excited. Doors seem to be opening, or at least, I'm seeing doors that I would like to open. I'm becoming aware of the direction I want my life to take. It doesn't have that much to do with Smith really, it's a mindset thing, but it was easy to be gloomy at Geneseo when other people were being insufferably practical, or worse, fatalistic and anhedonic. There is a time and a place for practicality, but life is so big. I don't want to rush out of college so that I can start an office job. I respect people that have things figured out and have a Plan, but I don't feel ready for that. This is the time to explore and discover passions. I'm so glad I joined the Invisible Children club at Geneseo, I really feel like it might change my life.
Yoga tomorrow. I love long weekends.