Thursday, January 14, 2010
I'm not very good at J-term. It's very boring, and I've been hiding from the crew team because I'm shy and scared about how out of shape I am. I'm terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so I'm messing up by omission. I ran into a couple of girls from the team yesterday, and they invited me to play basketball with them. I was really tired and headachey, but also terrified because I'm terrible at basketball, and I said no. I should have said yes. It's stupid, but I'm also really shy about working out wearing glasses, and I can't wear my contacts yet. I just feel so self-conscious, and it's very tedious. I just want to fast forward to spring break because then I'll know the crew team.
Next year I'm going to stay in Buffalo and work. I like being at Smith, and Lord knows Flora loves it, but I'm bored. And lonely. I'm invited to a party on Saturday, and I don't even like parties, but I'm going to go anyway. It's a rugby party, not a crew party, but I need some human contact. I'm really kicking myself for not hanging out with the crew team yesterday. I'm just freaking myself out because everyone always says you should be yourself, and so I was myself with the rugby team and that got me nowhere. I wasn't even my ornery self, I was just my normal self, but that wasn't something people liked. The crew girls seem like they want to like me at least, but I need to start extending myself.