Pictures In My Eyes

Cheating

2010-04-28T06:26:00.000-07:00

I confess! I've been keeping another, secret blog.
http://mint-tea.tumblr.com/

Finals

2010-04-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write my papers. I'm at the point where I'm doing class reading to procrastinate. On the plus side, I'll be home in two weeks. That's very encouraging. I'm all full of summer plans.

Want

2010-04-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of people in smother-y relationships. They don't feel smothered, but from where I'm standing it looks claustrophobic. At the same time though, I want it. I want it so much, but I don't know how to get it. And I honestly doubt I'd even want it if I had it. But I think I hate watching couples so much because I am so so jealous.

Robot Roll Call

2010-04-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

To the Calvin Theater in Northampton last night to see Cinematic Titanic, a.k.a. Mystery Science Theater 3000 LIVE AND ON ICE. Well, not on ice, but LIVE.
It was very fun, and I'll get into descriptions of the fun in a minute, but before the show started, when Joel was still making introductions, he made an interesting point. He said that Mystery Science Theater fans are the best in the world because they are so patient. Not only did they watch a 2 hour television show, they still love it twelve years after it was canceled. Twelve years. And that's when it hit me. I was nine when the show went off the air, and while I did enjoy it, I rarely watched an entire episode. I tended to either fall asleep or change the channel. It is a fond cultural thing from my childhood, and it had a big impact on the way I watch movies though. I remember going to see "Step Mom" for my tenth birthday with the express purpose of making fun of it, and almost getting kicked out of the theater.
I love looking around at events to see what kind of people like the thing being presented. I think I'm looking to see if I fit in, if these are MY people. Chris Pureka was full of older lesbians, so, not my people. Last night's event was a lot of heavy men with odd facial hair, so I have to say they weren't my people either. It's ok though, as I like to not blend with the crowd. It makes me feel eclectic and cool to have the same interests as heavy men with mutton chops, and 40 year old Melissa Ethridge lookalikes, and crazy toned Amazons. The crowd was pretty old last night too, which is consistent with the whole canceled-12-years-ago thing. I was more suprised to see how old Joel looked. Dude looks old. Plus the opening act was Dave Gruber Allen or, the second troubador from "Gilmore Girls". I guess he did stand-up, but it seemed an awful lot like rambling, although it was funnier than the town players. He made several self-conscious, middle aged references to youth culture, (Justin Bieber, Twitter, and the like), and sang a song, and then just sort of wandered on stage while other people were talking. There was a funny bit about how people lack attention spans, and so soon radio stations will just play people's favorite parts of songs instead of the whole thing, and a pitch for a cartoon about a hero called Convoluted Man, complete with an exposition-filled theme song, but everyone in the room had come for one reason-robots, and that never really delivered. We got to see the people who had supplied the voices for the robots, but the actual puppets weren't on stage, which I thought was sad.
The movie was called "Terror on Tiki Island", and it totally lived up to the name. Portugese horror movies don't get the credit they deserve in the US. Joel's description of the monster as the Michelin Man after a horrible flaming car crash was about spot on, and a character had a household staff entirely comprised of dwarves, and there were killer mutant trees, so that was good. The movie didn't start until 9:00 though, and so by the end I could have been nine years old again, struggling to stay awake.

Worries

2010-04-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

I am very lucky to have a nice best friend. We've been best friends for years, and even though she may have other best friends, she's still my best friend, which is what matters. She's her own person, she can do what she wants, but she is still my best friend, even if I'm one of many with her. The thing is though, that as part of my best friend duties, I have to find my way out to Oberlin, Ohio this June, and I have some very mixed, worried feelings about that. Because while I adore my friend, let's call her...Kiva, she has the unfortunate habit of staying close with people after it has become impossible for me to remain friends with them. (I mean this in an ironic sort of way, as it's my fault and she obviously shouldn't be held responsible for my being impossible and oversensitive, and whatever else it is about me that causes these problems.) This isn't usually an issue, but I have to assume that some of these people are also going to head out to the Midwest to help our mutual friend celebrate her 21st. And that sort of scares me. I'm happier than I used to be, and I'm different, and I hope nicer, and more mature, but that doesn't mean I want to face certain people. I've already had the whole breakthrough where I realized that I am not a monster, and I might or might not have been wrong to end some friendships, but there was hurting on both sides, and I didn't do it without just cause. I don't want to see these people. Pretty much ever again. I occasionally relapse and think it would be nicer to be friends than not, but that isn't actually the case. I'm better off this way. The thing is, I can't ask Kiva about the guest list for her birthday, because...well, I did that once in middle school, with the understanding that I couldn't attend if someone else was going to be there, and she still brings it up sometimes. If it was a party in Buffalo, with all kinds of awesome escape routes, I would be all over it. Oberlin is REALLY far away though, and most people aren't up for that kind of a trip unless they're at least staying the night. Just thinking about it, months in advance is providing me with enough anxiety that I'm blogging and not doing Swahili homework, and even though I'm easily distracted, I really am worried about this. I want to do the right thing, but I'm not really sure what that is. Maybe it's removing myself from the birthday party scenario. The not wanting to see people is probably mutual, and I don't want to distract from birthday thunder. At the same time though, I want to do right by my best friend, as she is one of the only friends I have who is reliable and actually loves me.
On a happier note, I made a Chris Pureka Pandora station and it is crazy awesome. It's bringing up all kinds of folky, indie, sort of whiney female vocalists, and everyone knows how much I like those.

Chris Pureka

2010-04-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

I had a kind of rough day yesterday. My race was stupid, and then my friend flaked on me. Twice actually, since she told me that she was not going to be in Buffalo over the summer and she didn't want to go to a concert with me because her money is better spent on beer and weed. So I was angry. Actually angry too, not peeved or annoyed.
I was determined to go to the show though, with or without my stupid friend, so I headed downtown. I got shut out of the advance tickets, so I was planning on buying at the door, but I accidentally went to Pearl Street when I was supposed to go to The Iron Horse, and this on top of my bad mood was extra not good. It worked out though, and I found the place only to be told it was standing room only, and the tickets wouldn't be on sale for another forty minutes. I wandered around a bit and got Herrell's for dinner. Ice cream is truly a wonderful thing.
I had never been to The Iron Horse before, but it's a decent venue. It was PACKED, but I was able to get in, so I didn't mind. I found a decent spot with a good view of the stage and finally gave up being angry so I could enjoy the show. It didn't matter that I was there by myself. I had a mental image of showing up by myself at the concert being like a bad dream where the whole of the rugby and crew teams would all be there, making out and pointing and whispering about me, but I actually only saw one person that I knew there, and she was by herself too. We would have hung out, but we couldn't both fit in my space and it was too crowded to find a spot big enough for the both of us. I didn't mind being alone though. I got a $7 beer (seriously. $7. It's just shameless.) and felt pretty grown up and cool.
I first heard Chris Pureka during Wilderness Training. The instructor was playing her in the background while we practiced setting up tents, and I was attracted to the fiddle sound. I asked Katrina what we were listening to, and then immediately looked her up online. She only has about six songs on her page though, and so I wasn't terribly familiar with her music before the show. I like going to concerts where you aren't a huge fan beforehand though. It's fun when a great show can turn you into a fan, and last nights was one of those concerts. I had a great time, and I got to have ice cream. and drink in moderation, and listen to some great music, AND be in bed by 11. What else can you ask for in a Saturday night? Well, friends that don't suck. But you can't have everything.

Not Dead Yet

2010-04-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've been waking up on the wrong side of the bed all week. My next door neighbor's alarm has been going off nonstop from 10 to 11pm, and as I try to go to bed at 9:30 it either wakes me up, or prevents me from falling asleep. Then I lose my sleep window, and the night is ruined, which means the morning is even worse than your standard waking-up-at-4:30 morning. Naps are great, but nothing beats a good night's sleep.
I was so tired this morning that I almost called in to let KK know I wouldn't be able to come into practice, but I didn't. If I don't show up my entire boat could be on land, and I didn't want to do that to my teammates. Luck was on my side however, and the fog this morning was so thick that we weren't able to go out. I was briefly worried that KK would send us to do a gym workout, but instead she let us loose with the expectation that we would do our split 2k, plus an hour of good cardio at some point during the day.
I was incredibly sick of the erg by the end of winter training, but now that we're on the water I sometimes miss it. I was nevertheless nervous about the erg test however, as the last time we tested I beat my goal split by almost three seconds. Improvement is wonderful, but then you are held to that standard, and I was worried that I would be slower. I was also worried because I was going to do it on my own, without any teammates to follow, or coxswains or coaches keeping me at my goal split. I walked into the erg room with a stomach full of butterflies, and prepped the room to my exact tastes for the first time ever. I opened the windows, and picked out a mix cd (Now That's What I Call Music: Volume 11), and actually sat in the front row for once. I did a quick warm-up, took a few deep breaths, and began. The test was split into a 1500 meter piece, with a one minute break, and then the final 500 meters, which made it even more tempting to fly and die, which is when you start out at an unsustainable pace and then fold. I didn't do that though. Somehow, I kept a steady stroke rate, and my splits stayed low. It was hard. My legs were burning after the first 500 meters, but at the end I had a new PR. I've been running on the victory all day. I'm tired, and my life is making me stressed and crazy, but I rowed really well today, without a coxswain, and without my teammates, and I was able to do my hour of cardio right after, which tells me I can do better next time. I'm going to get a sub-8 minute 2k before the end of the semester. I read in Cosmo that it's bad to announce your goals, as it gives you a false sense of accomplishment before you even do anything, but this is different. This is a personal promise, and when I reach my goal you'll all know how meaningful it is.
There were ice cream cones for dessert tonight, and I took mine to go. It's a beautiful evening, and I wandered around the nearby residential neighborhoods, looking at the houses. There were a lot of people out, walking dogs, playing with their kids, eating supper on their patios. I think the sound of cutlery on plates is one of my favorites. I know it's only April, but the weather has me ready for summer.

Willoughby

2010-03-01T08:10:00.001-08:00

It feels like spring today. I of course forgot to say "rabbit rabbit", but I'm glad it's March.
I went to church with a girl from the crew team yesterday. We went to First Baptist in Amherst, and it was interesting. I love the girl, she's one of those sweet people that makes people feel totally accepted and at their ease. She has a very endearing faith too, she brought her own bible to the service, and took notes all during the sermon so she could read over them later and reflect. We met this older couple who told us that church is a great place to meet boys. They had met at church forty years ago, so I guess it works for some people.
I went to an interesting show on Saturday. I had to be responsible and skip Drag Ball because of Saturday practice, but the show had a drag element, so I still met my quota. It was called Johnny Blazes One (Wo)Man Show. I thought it would be packed, but it was actually a small audience, which made me nervous, as ze kept pulling audience members onstage and spraying whipped cream in people's mouths and whatnot. I hate audience participation, and I was there by myself, so I already felt self-conscious. I wasn't picked though, so I had a nice time. There was some drag king stuff, and a few monologues, and ze actually sang some opera. (Yes, I'm using the weird pronouns, but that's what was on the website when I looked hir up.) It was a lot of fun. I'm trying to be better about going to stuff by myself if I can't find someone to go with me. It's stupid to sit at home if there's something fun going on.
Thirteen days until Spring Break. It's currently in the high 50s and rainy in Gainesville. I would like to get some sun, but even if it's cold it'll be nice to finally get in a boat. We put the ergs up on sliders on Saturday, so now we really have to row in sync. It's hard, and now it's obvious when I screw up, but I don't care, I just want to get on the water.
I keep having delightful encounters with girls from the crew team. I was having a really horrible practice this morning; I was slow and tired and cross, and I was sitting next to the fastest novice, and I kept comparing our splits and feeling bad about myself. I looked pretty sullen too, I was right up in front of the mirror and I looked incredibly pissy. Right before our last set though, the girl next to me started whistling "Deck the Halls". She caught my eye and gave me a really great smile, and I felt so much better. I don't know why she was whistling, and it probably wasn't because I was being a pill, but it cheered me right up. And the smile was for me.
I was thinking last night about Willoughby from Sense and Sensibility. It's the only Jane Austin I've ever read (judge away) and I liked it a lot, but I also totally lost my heart to Willoughby, despite his being a total cad. The thing is, he wasn't malicious, he was just selfish. That isn't any excuse, but it makes him seem less awful than some other cads you encounter in literature. This didn't come out of nowhere. I know I said I was over all of my Geneseo sadness, and I don't feel sad, but I still sometimes think about everything that happened. I was mulling over it, and C. kinds of reminds me of Willoughby. They share a sort of careless if not malicious indifference to other people's feelings. Marianne was happy without him in the end, but I bet she still sometimes felt wistful about the way things ended between them. It's hard to not.

New Page

2010-02-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

Crew starts tomorrow. I think I've been waiting for it to start all semester. We're about three weeks in, but I feel like the semester is about to really start now. I'm going to have a solid schedule, and a very early bedtime, and I'll hopefully feel like a real crewbie. I won't lie and say I'm not nervous, but I'm also incredibly excited.
I like to take Sundays to get centered for the upcoming week. I usually try to do laundry, or clean up my room a little, and it's the only day of the week that I completely make up my bed with all of my throw pillows. During my tidying today I noticed that my hair brush had some sort of unknown substance between the bristles. Upon further investigation I realized that it was honey. I've been brushing my hair with a honey brush for weeks. Honey never goes bad, but it's still a little strange. You may ask "how did you get honey in your brush?", but I'll never tell.

Within the Ordinary

2010-02-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

People are messy. It's just the way we are designed. People make mistakes, and wreck relationships, and generally screw things up. I've done it, but so has everyone, and I don't think I do it more often than average. I sometimes forget that, and feel like an abnormally bad person, but that's ridiculous. Sometimes these things are our fault, but they aren't always. Sometimes it's just a matter of time and distance. I'm not some kind of bad friend mutant.
The crew coach is having all of the juniors over to her house for dinner tonight. I'm really really excited. I love the crew team. I don't know most of the rowers very well yet, but I'm optimistic. I had a really bad week, but things look bright for the future. This weekend is going to be good. I feel ok about my Res Life interview that I had this morning. I love my job, and I am ok with going to nursing school. Or PA school. I've decided that I'm going to have a great life, and whatever pitfalls I may encounter are not going to stop me. It sucks to lose friends, but I'm going to do my best to keep the ones I have, make new ones whenever I can, and not regret the ones who are gone. I think that's the best way to handle things. I haven't had very many/any serious romantic relationships, and so my closest approximations to a broken heart have been lost friends. It takes time to get over a failed relationship, but knowing it happens to everyone softens the blow.

Shrinking

2010-02-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

When you don't eat very much your stomach eventually shrinks. I think the same principle applies to love. It's nothing to freak out about, because once you start eating again your stomach stretches out again, and I think once you start loving again you develop a higher capacity for that too. Right now, I am coming off of a love famine. I adore my family. I think they're my only readers, so I'm trying to be sensitive to their feelings, but I haven't had very many friends lately, and so I haven't had enough love. Because sometimes the phone and email aren't enough, and you need to be able to be with people in the flesh. But I love my family, and I know they love me, and I don't want anyone to feel bad. Especially because I am chockerblock full of love right now. It isn't very deep, and I'm not jumping any guns, but I love the crew team. Suddenly I have people. People that cheer me on, and pat my arm, and not only that, but I'm suddenly better at approaching people. I'm moving out of my shell. It feels nice. It feels so nice in fact, that I've lost interest in dating. I am full up of love. Or, since that seems premature, I'm like a person standing on front of an all you can eat buffet, and there's a bakery next door, but I'm pretty focused on what's in front of me. I'm focusing on friends right now. Dating is great for other people, but I just want to build some relationships. I went out with this guy a couple of times, and he was great on paper, but I wasn't feeling it. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm full up right now. Maybe later I'll be ready for that, but right now things are good. I'm not scared. This guy actually liked me. Me, Caroline. He thought I was cute, but he also liked my personality. He wanted a second and third date. Just having that knowledge is enough for me right now. Down the line, when I want to date, I know I'm not un-dateable. Right now though, I just want to chill with the crew team and get close to my existing friends. I'm not lonely. Let that sink in, because it keeps surprising me, and don't worry. I'll date later.

Life

2010-02-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

I watched the entire fifth season of Grey's Anatomy this weekend. I have a headache from it. At the same time though, I kept watching because I want to work in medicine, and this is my only opportunity to feel close to it. Real life isn't like tv obviously, but I want to work in medicine so much, and I can't. At least not right now, and not for a few years at least. The thing is, I wouldn't have figured out that I wanted to be a midwife if I hadn't gone to Smith. I wanted to be a therapist when I was at Geneseo, and I'm not sure I won't want to do that later, after I've midwifed around for a few years, but I don't want to do that right away. Everything I've experienced has brought me here, and I'm glad. I like it here. My life plan just got more complicated, and I'm a little worried that people will be mad at me, but I am where I am now, and I wouldn't have known how to get here three years ago, or even a year ago, and there's no point in changing horses second semester junior year. I had to come to Smith so I would know I wanted to be a midwife, and row crew, and just be this Caroline in 2010. I don't regret it, and I really think things are going to be ok, but I am sorry if people get mad.

J-Term

2010-01-14T11:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not very good at J-term. It's very boring, and I've been hiding from the crew team because I'm shy and scared about how out of shape I am. I'm terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so I'm messing up by omission. I ran into a couple of girls from the team yesterday, and they invited me to play basketball with them. I was really tired and headachey, but also terrified because I'm terrible at basketball, and I said no. I should have said yes. It's stupid, but I'm also really shy about working out wearing glasses, and I can't wear my contacts yet. I just feel so self-conscious, and it's very tedious. I just want to fast forward to spring break because then I'll know the crew team.
Next year I'm going to stay in Buffalo and work. I like being at Smith, and Lord knows Flora loves it, but I'm bored. And lonely. I'm invited to a party on Saturday, and I don't even like parties, but I'm going to go anyway. It's a rugby party, not a crew party, but I need some human contact. I'm really kicking myself for not hanging out with the crew team yesterday. I'm just freaking myself out because everyone always says you should be yourself, and so I was myself with the rugby team and that got me nowhere. I wasn't even my ornery self, I was just my normal self, but that wasn't something people liked. The crew girls seem like they want to like me at least, but I need to start extending myself.

Three Minutes to Go

2009-12-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

I don't think I want to go out and do Primal Scream. I liked it last year, but I don't think I want to do it tonight. I'm almost done with finals. I could've used a scream last Sunday, but now? I'm all out of tension. It's all I can do to maintain enough tension to study for my final tomorrow.
AND it's 10:00. AND I'm...going out.

Self-Control

2009-12-15T07:19:00.000-08:00

I lack self-control. I pretty much do what I want, and so I have stopped putting myself in situations where this could possibly be a problem. I don't usually want bad things, but sometimes blindly following my desires is impractical. I'm working on being more responsible about going after what I want by giving myself little self-control tests. Finals make the challenge even more real, because I can't just do what I want. I can't just watch the whole first season of "Being Erica" online just because it's available on Hulu. I can't sleep the day away. I have to focus.

Finals

2009-12-11T16:10:00.001-08:00

I was in the library today, when I noticed that the girl next to me was slumped over, face-down at her computer. The computers are communal, and it can sometimes be really hard to find an open one when you need to print something, and so it seemed like a strange place for a nap. I felt a little awkward, because no one else seemed phased by this behavior, but it was out of place, and I sort of wondered if she was bleeding into her brain or something. It would be selfish to nap at a computer because then no one else could use it while you were sleeping and so otherwise occupied, and while Smithies can be very rude, this seemed a little over the top. I decided the behavior that was called for was the same for whether she was dying or rude, and I was just about to poke her when she sat up. I was a little disappointed actually, especially when she just stretched and then went back to sleep, still at the computer.
We presented our Learning & Behavior Change projects today. I was the only one who really put effort into my graph, most of them were done on notebook paper that still had the fringey scraps on the one side. It didn't matter though, as I have loved the class, and I was happy to put that work in. I think Dave might be my favorite ever college professor. He's funny, and wise, and he makes the material interesting, and he classically conditioned me to salivate at the thought of his class, and he said he would loan me a Skinner Box so I could train Flora. He's such a great guy, and today at the end of class he gave a little speech about how we don't need to worry so much and be so hard on ourselves because it's more important that we try to be happy. He didn't have a real job until he was 40, until he came to Smith, but he did have a lot of adventures. He also had the bare minimum GPA to get into grad school, but he had a great time in college and was very involved in Outing Club, and dating, and just living life. And it all still worked out. He says that his children and his chickens and his blueberries all make him so much happier than getting papers published, and we shouldn't lose sight of what we enjoy about life while we are pursuing our goals. It even looked for a moment like he was going to let us off without a final, but he won't. He is a great man, but he's also a great professor, and he while he wants us to take more than just the course material from his class, he does want to see if we've learned anything this semester. I never want to not be in his class again, but he's only teaching stats next semester, and I've already taken that. I got really lucky this semester though. It was like a perfect storm. I hate finals (obviously), but I feel pretty good. I want to study, because I want to show Palmer how much I enjoyed his class by getting an A. Also by giving him peppermint bark. I got so lucky with my professors this semester, it only seems right that I would give them a small token of appreciation.
And now back to the grindstone. It's much too cold to leave my house, but I'm going to study in my room until the wee hours of the morning because I can sleep in tomorrow.
Sidenote: These things are not mutually exclusive, but it sometimes seems like they are, so for the record, I would rather be weird than boring, adventerous than safe, and nice than smart. I case you were wondering.

I'm totes switching to Bank of Amer before I go to Chicag

2009-11-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

It's sort of good to be back at Smith. Flora is pleased at least, as soon as I put her in her home crate she started eating like she had been starved. So the hunger strike is over I guess.
I had an awkward conversation with my rugger-housemate last night. I think she probably was trying to convince me not to quit, but all she did was reinforce that I'm making the right decision. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think "It's true that you don't play A-side, and everyone on Board is mad at you, and the team just isn't a good fit for you, but...you shouldn't quit..." is a very convincing argument. I know the team doesn't like me, I didn't need her to come to my room and keep me from my homework so she could tell me. It's sort of hard for me to believe that she was actually trying to convince me to stay, it sounded an awful lot like an argument to make me quit.In either case, I'm going to talk to the crew coach today to figure out some logistics.
I love my Learning & Behavior Change professor. I've loved him all along, but today he told us that since we only have two weeks of classes left he's going to classically condition us like Pavlov's dogs. We're going to get warheads candies at the start of every class to see if we'll start salivating when we hear a wrapper crinkling. I don't ever want to not be in his class again, I don't care what he's teaching.
So it turns out I was mistaken, and I won't be ready to leave by the 14th. The 14th is the kickoff of exam week. It's a slight bummer, but I think I'll live. Three weeks isn't a very long time. I can do this standing on my head. I'm going to finish up my Nutrition project tonight, and start catching up on some psych reading. I'm just taking things as they come.
I wish it would snow...

Sunday

2009-11-08T13:46:00.000-08:00

I have a new goal. I was reading the Times this morning (I read the better part of it and not just the Style section, so it took AGES) and I saw an article about children on Broadway. This of course made me think of Camp Broadway and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love running the Turkey Trot, but I also love the parade, and since they happen at the same time I miss stuff. So my new goal is to run the race really fast to maximize the amount of the parade I get to see. I strongly suspect that either Tayler Swift or the cast of "Glee" will be in it this year and I don't want to miss that. This means I need to get fast. I've been better about working out lately, but I bet I can push myself harder. Erg club will help. I think I'll call my friend Lindsay about working out too, it's way easier to push yourself when your gym buddy is training for a marathon and has perfect six-pack abs.
Rugby banquet is in a week. I made my Little Sibs' vessels last night. They look ok. Pretty good considering my lack of arts and crafts skills. I think I'll put baggies of sugar cereal in them before I present them to my Littles. I know H. likes Lucky Charms so much that she mentioned her fondness on facebook. I don't know what T. likes, but she's pretty easy-going and responds to any friendly gesture with almost painful enthusiasm.

Nutrition & Health

2009-11-04T16:47:00.000-08:00

I don't really read the fine print. Or, in some cases, the normal-sized print, since I thought Nutrition & Health was a two-credit class, when it is in fact four. I would think to myself "Wow, this is a lot of work for two measly credits.", but no, it's a real class. I'm doing well, it isn't an issue of grades, but it was a surprise and it made me feel silly when a classmate pointed out my mistake.
As our big project for the semester we're analyzing our diets. It's kind of fun, and I usually write down what I eat anyway, but it makes me kind of self-conscious to think about my professor reading everything I eat. I love sugar very much, and Smith only enables this love, so my diet is not always so healthy. Plus, I grew up in a family of secret eaters, and so I'm sort of uncomfortable with the idea of anyone knowing what and how much I eat. The obvious solution is to just lie, but that's stupid and defeats the purpose of the project. We enter all of our foods into this website and it analyzes it and tells us if we need to eat more or less of something. I don't know if people know this about me, but I am a milk fiend. Sugar and I have an open relationship so that it can include milk. I drink more milk than anyone I know, and yet I am apparently not getting enough dairy. The idea of drinking more milk makes my stomach hurt. I love dairy, but I'm kind of dairy sensitive, and so it's extra frustrating to be told that I need to eat more of it. I also apparently need to eat more grains. And meat. I eat too much fruit, but not enough vegetables, and I have so much sodium in my diet but I don't know where it's coming from. It's not like I salt everything. N. used to salt EVERYTHING; her dining tray was always covered in salt that she refused to throw over her left shoulder, but I almost never add salt to food. This project is interesting, but it's making me obsess over food and I even weighed myself today which is never a good idea. My goal for tomorrow is to eat more vegetables.

Other Blogs

2009-11-02T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm of a mind that it's ok to seriously dislike someone based on their blog. A blog is pretty much a public journal, and so it should be able to give you some insight into their personality, and thus giver readers license to dislike the author. And a blog that a person updates every day with weird excerpts from books and articles and pictures of dead birds and naked women (possibly naked self-portraits) is intolerable. It just fills me with irritation. And I know I don't have to read it, and maybe this person is actually insightful and interesting and I'm just inclined to dislike them for my own (insane) reasons, but I don't think so. I think she's probably one of those evil pretentious people that you sometimes find in small, Northeastern, liberal arts colleges. I just wanted to put that out there since it has been bothering me all day.
In other news, we finally met our chickens for Learning & Behavior Change. They're actually kind of ugly since they're going through that tricky phase of growing up where they lose their fluff but don't have enough feathers to look normal, but they're also kind of cute. They're nice to hold for sure, and now I want to spend every class in the animal lab. That isn't how it works though, and today and I trudged into the classroom I thought to myself "I wish we were playing with birds again today." Much to my surprise, when I got to the classroom there were two bright green parrots! It's one of the few perks of having purely decorative ears that I sometimes get nice surprises like that. Of course my professor had mentioned that we were going to be visited by trained parrots, but who listens? It was a very fun class, and made me want to make friends with people who own parrots, if not actually get one myself.

Just Thinking

2009-10-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this great book called Monique and the Mango Rains for my anthro class, and something in it caught my attention today. Monique is a midwife in Malawi, and one of her duties is teaching women in her village how to make baby food. Thing is, the baby food is peanut-based. This struck me as strange, because I've always heard that you NEVER give babies certain foods including honey and PEANUTS because they might have a food allergy. I'm not saying Monique is wrong, since she clearly knows more about babies than I do, I'm just confused. I wonder if there is any data on peanut allergies in African children, because I have a theory. American children are raised in pretty sterile, antibacterial environments, and it's been correlated with higher incidences of allergies. African children, at least children in rural Malawi are in almost the opposite situation. They have all kinds of other problems, but you don't hear about African children having severe allergies, possibly because they are exposed to so much they don't develop allergies. But maybe that's because they have malaria and life-threatening diarrhea, and failure to thrive and all kinds of bad things, so post-nasal drip isn't that big a deal. And babies who are fed baby food do much better than babies that are fed on porridge, because it's high in proteins and other essential nutrients and porridge is pretty much just carbohydrates. So maybe it's worth the occasional allergic reaction if it saves more babies than it kills. I know that not all peanut allergies are life-threatening, but peanut allergies tend to be severe, and I don't know how available antihistamines are in rural African villages. Bottom line-I love all of my classes. I want to bring this up in Nutrition on Monday. I also want to bring up the guy who lives on candy.

Pet-A-Pet Day

2009-10-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

The happiest of all days! I hate that I have to wait like an hour and a half before I can go (stupid class, ruins everything), but it's Pet-A-Pet Day! Even Nutrition midterms can't dampen my spirit. I really want there to be cats.
I might be volunteering at an event at Ben's farm this weekend. He mentioned on the rugby website that he was looking for volunteers, so I emailed him about it. "This doesn't makes sense", you're thinking, "Caroline spends so much time complaining about Ben and how mean he is.". This is true, but it sounds like fun. And he's been sort of better lately. Or maybe I've been better. I was actually grateful and not angry that he put me in for two minutes of A side last week. Plus I like farms, and this event sounds fun, and I hate partying, but I also hate sitting in my room on a Saturday night, not-partying. And costumes are encouraged!
I'm starting to think about this summer. Isn't that sick? It's October! I need to get going on financial aid stuff if I want to go to Africa though, so living in the now isn't so much of a possibility.
Yay Pet-A-Pet Day!

Can't Go Back Now

2009-10-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

Smith is such a great school. I am super lucky to have the opportunity to go here. Still and all, Facebook has lately been flooded with Geneseo women's rugby pictures, and it's making me really homesick. They aren't using 'Daga field anymore. The school finally gave in and let them have a decent pitch. They're going to regionals too. I miss the girls, and I miss Colin. It was so much better than my rugby life now. I used to love going out, but now I always feel miserable the day after partying. I miss having friends that were fun to party with. And a team that included everyone, and did things together. These aren't reasons to regret transferring, and I know I made the right choice, but I also lost some really nice things in the process. You really can't go home again, I know that. Geneseo was never even that homey for me, and going back would only depress me, but I really miss it. I miss the dorms, and Court St., and St. Mary's. I finally went to mass last night, for the first time this semester, and it was nice, but it made me miss going to mass in Geneseo. I miss my big jug of honey. Mostly though, I miss rugby. The S**** team is too dramatic. It's totally cliqued out, and it just makes me want to go back. Girls dated within the team at Geneseo too, but not to this extent. It was a family first and foremost, and now I feel like an orphan.

Nice Things

2009-10-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

I'm trying this new thing where I'm going to have a better attitude by reflecting on all the good things that happened during the day. I won't list them on my blog every day, but today is the first day, so I'm going to share.
1. I had a delicious chai during my anthro class
2. My professor gave everyone 5 extra points on our test for spelling our names right
3. Agnes (my Swahili instructor) praised me to high heaven and made me feel really good
4. I'm back to being an alternate for A side, which makes me think someone has been noticing how hard I've been working.
5. I'm the jumper for lineouts for the B game
6. I got to practice kicking with EE and I think I'm really improving
7. I got multiple warming hugs today
8. I was outside for the first snow of the season.
Fridays are really rough, and tomorrow is going to be inhumanely difficult, but I think these positive thoughts will help me get through it. I don't think I'm going to play in the A game this weekend, but I'm excited for the B game. We're playing Springfield, and they're going to demolish us (they're a women's league team), but it's going to be fun. I do love to jump.

Conflictions

2009-10-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

I seem to have a love-hate relationship with life. I love my classes, but they're hard, and I hate that. I hate the work and stress, and I really hate getting tests back, even when I do ok. I don't like playing B side because it's frustrating and embarrassing, and I'm actually getting worse since I'm not being challenged. I love rugby though, and I get a weird little kick out of being the best player on the B side. They go down like bricks when I tackle them- it's great for working out my frustration with having to play for the B side. Swahili stresses me out like crazy, but I love the way my instructor praises me. She's so nice, and she makes me feel really smart even when I know I'm terrible at Swahili. Really the only things that I know I like are my few but likeable friends. It's a nice change actually, since I hated my friends for a long time. Not all of my friends, but enough that it was weird. So it's nice to have some new friends who I like. It kind of makes things come out on the positive side

Rugby Extinction

2009-10-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

I think my coach is a secret behavioral psychologist. Earlier this semester he provided me with reinforcement for desired behaviors (going to practice, training on my own, giving 110%, etc.), and so these behaviors increased in strength. I tried really hard, and I got back into shape after a summer of not running. I tried out a whole back line of new positions, and I gave 120%. That's how the experiment works though-I keep pushing the lever, and food keeps dropping into the Skinner Box. It's a good system. Ben is a tricky guy though, and so he wanted to introduce a new element. Suddenly I stopped being reinforced for my good behavior. It's a funny thing, extinction, when a subject stops being reinforced for a behavior they increase in that behavior for a little while, and then they stop. A rat will frantically press the bar, but when they don't get food they move on to other pursuits. They join book clubs, and learn to bake, but they don't press the bar anymore. They also stop really caring about practice. I wasn't even an alternate for A-side this week, and so I went to practice, worked hard, had a good attitude, did what I was told, and played the toughest rugby possible, given I was practicing with the B side, and didn't want to hurt anyone, but I didn't receive any of that sweet, sweet reinforcement, and so I didn't go to the game. Not because I'm sulking or angry, just because I didn't see the point. I didn't really feel like getting up at 5:30 so I could sit in the car for six hours and kill another Saturday not-playing rugby. Instead I'm doing laundry, and going running, and cleaning my room, and maybe doing some homework. It isn't exciting, but it's still a whole day that I have to use productively.
I went out to dinner with some rugby girls last night after practice. It's nice to know that I'm not usually missing anything when I don't go on Fridays. We did a warm-up, and then maybe twenty minutes of ruck and runs, and then we were finished. It was kind of stupid actually. Anyway, Friday dinners are usually pretty bad, so a bunch of girls decided to go to the brewery instead. We got some signals crossed, so my group went straight downtown while everyone else went home and showered, but we eventually met up and had a nice dinner. It was nice to get off campus, and it was really nice talking to some people that I don't usually talk to.

Mountain Day!

2009-10-05T04:43:00.001-07:00

Clearly Carol Christ is very wise, and knew I had a test today.

Rugby

2009-10-02T05:55:00.000-07:00

The Smith B-side traveled to Mount Holyoke yesterday for a scrimmage, expecting to play their B-side. Instead we were put up against their A players. They kind of killed us, but it was the most fun I've had playing rugby in a long time. I started as inside center, moved to flank, and then finished as full back. It was awesome. I kind of want to be the B-side full back. It'll involve lots of kicking practice, but I just love to hit.
I play rugby because I love it, but it hasn't been that fun lately. Maybe the answer is switching to B-side. I don't like feeling miserable and anxious before every game, and I really don't like having to fight every second for my position. Not to mention the fact that I vastly prefer the B-side coach. At the same time though, I don't want to be on B-side because I can't compete with A-side. So I'm a little conflicted. But I had a great time last night, and hopefully that'll remind me why I play rugby when things are hard.

Fall Fit 5K

2009-09-27T11:56:00.001-07:00

Sometimes life is awkward and miserable, and you get a bad night's sleep, and you're worried that people are angry with you, and you feel slightly broken hearted, and then you go for a run in the rain and it's ok.
We had our first game of the season yesterday against Mount Holyoke. They had snuck onto our campus and chalked, and so it was very important that we win. Mount Holyoke is vastly inferior to Smith though, and so this was easily achieved. I played very badly. It's so easy to make excuses, but I can't help but feel that my coach's total lack of confidence in my flanking abilities, coupled with his then putting me at flank had something to do with my epic failure. Just saying. Some things were just unfortunate though, I lost a boot, accidentally spit my mouthguard in someone's face, and pulled a tackle down onto my face. It was not a good game for me, and I'm dreading my Player Evaluation.
After the game the team went to Local Burger, and then we all borded the PVTA for a social at Holyoke. I'm starting to realize that drinking is Bad, if for no other reason than the fact that I cannot sleep if I've been drinking. I went to bed around 11:30 and woke up at 2 and could not get back to sleep until after 5. It was really not fun. Especially because I knew I had to wake up early for an interview and then the race.
I saw the signs for the Fall Fit 5K ages ago and suggested to various rugby leaders that it might be something we should do as a team. Emails were sent, and teams organized, but things kind of fell apart when people realized A. it cost $10, and B. we had to register ourselves. Bring college students, we obviously never have access to the internet, and so 80% of the people that were supposed to run never registered. You were allowed to register the day of, but it's cold and rainy today, and some people had long nights last night. And we played lots of rugby yesterday. So obviously I'm not the only person that likes to make excuses. Anyway, I got to the ITT absurdly early and planked around, waiting for the other girls to show. In the end there were five or six of us, but it didn't really matter as I ended up running by myself anyway. I needed to clear my head, and the ruggers were being too pokey. I haven't been running very much lately, and when I do I don't like it. That's wrong though, since I do like running. I didn't used to, but something changed last year and it became fun. Running today felt amazing. I didn't push that hard, I was running nine-minute miles, just sort of loping along, but it was great. The rain kept me cool, and I listened to my iPod, and I just felt good. Other things are bad, my life is always kind of in shambles, and sleep-loss aside I shouldn't drink because I'm stupid and I got all weepy last night, but running made me feel very peaceful. It was similar to the feeling I get from doing yoga. Running today actually made me want to go to yoga, but I can't today. Maybe next week. I want more of that peace.
People tend to overestimate themselves. They think they're smarter, and nicer, and more attractive than they actually are. There's a word for people who have clear perceptions of themselves- it's depressed. Really, I"m not just being grim, we talked about it in class the other day. I'm not depressed. I recognize that I suck at a lot of things, and I'm not actually good at anything, but I still really like myself. I like being the kind of person who enjoys running in the rain, and who joins organizations to mentor developmentally disabled people (Everyone that I've told about that has asked me why I would want to do something like that; it's as if I'm expressing a desire to shave my head and go live in a yurt, or something equally batty. I just think it would be really rewarding and a positive use of time.), and I don't know, is like me. I like the way I am. I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's a little dream, but it still might go unrealized. I want someone to kiss me. While sober. Because they like me, and feel attracted to me, and care about me, and want to be with me. I won't say how long it's been since I had that kind of kiss, it's too sad. But that's what I want. Not everyone gets that, but I want it. A friend recently told me that he's terrified to die alone, and I groaned and reassured him that he won't, but I have the same worry.

Crawling Out of My Skin

2009-09-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

I have some stuff that I need to get over, and so I have decided to go on a Boy Safari. Smith seems extra boy-less lately, and it's been kind of bugging me, so I'm going to be proactive and take matters into my own hands. I'm going to go to UMass tonight to do homework. Why, you might ask, would I take a half hour bus ride to go to a library, when there are libraries at Smith, and I'll only be able to be there for like an hour and a half anyway before I have to catch the bus home? It seems like a total waste of time. My answer? It is, but I am desperate.

This is Why I Love Smith College

2009-09-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

What other college would shut down their library on a Friday night so a rock band of professors could play a gig in the lobby? Try and think of one, I'll wait. Of course nothing is perfect, and the group of rugby girls that I was watching the show with slipped out without saying goodbye while I wasn't looking. That was really not cool. We hadn't come together, but c'mon, tap me on the shoulder and let me know you're leaving if you don't want to invite me to join you wherever you're going next. Sheesh. But the rock show part was really nifty. I didn't know any of the professors, but they were pretty good. The music wasn't really my taste, but I love any live music.
It's just a good weekend to be at Smith. Today is quiet, so I can get some work done, but tomorrow should be great. Our rugby game was canceled so we have an extra practice, and then I'm going to my adviser's house for dinner, and then there's Arch Sing after that. I don't think I could design a better Sunday.

I'm In My Happy Place

2009-09-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Truly the best part about eating less junk food is the increased satisfaction when you do indulge.

Country Roads

2009-09-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

I passed Chapin House while walking to the library, and something about the smell of industrial food on the warm, humid, evening air made me think of dinner at Camp Weona.

It's Official

2009-09-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

You know it's the school year when I start reading the Food Section and wanting to experiment. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have a kitchen to play around in, since I rarely utilize the kitchen at home. I don't really read the Times during the week when I'm at home though. Then again, I am on a diet, and so this sounds extra good. I actually had a dream about eating frosting last night. I want sweets.

This Isn't Rocket Science

2009-09-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

I'm happy when I spend time with people, and I'm sad and grumpy when I don't. You would think I would understand this basic idea well enough by now that I would be able to seek out social interactions, knowing they will make me feel good. It's been sort of difficult going from Utah, where I could always get attention when I needed it, to home, where I could generally get attention, to Smith, where it's almost impossible for me to get attention. And I mean actual, in-person interactions, because I've been wearing my poor phone out txting and calling people all over the country.
Yesterday was my most successful day yet this semester. I went to work, and class, and had lunch with rugby girls on the green and then chalked about the rookie meeting. I also went to my first practice of the season. It felt great to be out on the pitch, running around. Ground needs to be regained fitness-wise, but I'll get there. My new boots are really amazing. I love the way it feels when the spikes sink into the ground. Plus they're pretty, I got multiple compliments on them.
I went to dinner with some girls from the team, but I had to rush, which was annoying, since I'm trying to eat healthier, and so my food choices are less satisfying, and so I try to take my time and enjoy the process of eating more. It turned out to be worth the rush though, as I was in a hurry to go to a concert with two girls from the team. We went to see the Young at Heart Chorus, which is a group of older people that sings pop songs. It was really cute, and I got to spend time with teammates outside of practice, and I almost always enjoy live music anyway. So that was an A+ kind of evening.
I'm pretty optimistic about today. I only have one class, and then I'll have time to go running and catch up on reading before practice. We have our rookie meeting tonight, and then the team is having a movie night. We are going to watch "Forever Strong", and I'm excited, despite the fact that I just watched the movie a week ago. I just enjoy being around people, and not in my room, passing out at 10:00 because I had to wake up early to go to work. Things are looking up.

Day Two

2009-09-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was on Facebook (I know that's really lame, but I had been fighting with my laptop all night, trying to get internet, so it was on my mind.) and K. from my SCA crew had unfriended me. I still don't have internet in my room, so I'm posting from the library, and sure enough, he did unfriend me! What a jerk! Still, I really hate him, so it's only annoying because I wanted to be able to stalk his stupid jerk relationship. I wonder what made him do it though- it's been a few weeks now, and I'd have thought he'd have put me out of his mind.
My employment status has changed once again, and now I'm down to one job. It's very sad, but I'm taking five classes and all of my professors claim their class requires ten hours of outside work, plus the twelve plus hours rugby takes up, so I don't really have time for two jobs. Except I applied to work at a literacy volunteer at the preschool that isn't a half hour walk from campus, so if I get hired (knock wood) I will have time for two jobs. So we'll have to wait and see on that score. I'm not entirely sure why I suddenly feel like I need two jobs, but my crossing guard job is too cushy, and I need to be busier in order to feel like I'm really working.
I swear, I've been on the go since 7 am, and although I skipped the gym, I feel like I was pretty productive. Tomorrow is another big day, I'm actually going to buy my textbooks. I really dragged my feet on this one, hoping, I think, for the books to just appear on my shelf like manna from heaven. It's tempting to wait it out a little longer, but professors will insist on assigning reading, so I need to get on my horse. And ride it to the bookstore. I also have chalking for rugby, and a social for new transfer students. And work and class and practice (my first of the year!), but who really cares about that stuff? It feels like tomorrow should be Friday. It's been a short week, but I think Smith days are longer than normal Earth days.

Rattle Trap

2009-09-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

I have a new bicycle! It's a vintage-y Schwinn, and I'm quite pleased with the way it makes getting around campus so much easier. I'm less pleased with how noisy it is, the gears clunk, and the brakes, as I discovered while going down a big hill, scream. People were looking around in anticipation of the big crash, because these brakes sound dangerous. I looked it up, and I doubt the brakes actually are dangerous, but it's sort of embarrassing. I'm going to have to ride through some mud and make them less slippery. I do love my bike though. I had forgotten how lovely it feels to just hop on and ride.
Still no internet in my room, I'm at the library. I remember having problems with my internet last year too, I just can't remember how I resolved them.
I may have to find a replacement job since my current job conflicts with rugby. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but I have to miss practice every Friday for class, and you can't play unless you attend at least three practices during the week. There's a preschool assistant job that's open, that fits nicely into my schedule, so I emailed my boss about it. We'll see I guess. I wish I was one of those girls who can casually play rugby, but I know I'm not. It's a way of life.

Moo

2009-08-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite parts of summer is going fruit picking, though it has been more in theory than in practice lately, as I am usually off having adventures during the summer, and miss all the homey, low-key fun that you get from being home. Not today though! Today I got to go pick peaches and various berries with my mother, sisters, and aunt. The day got off to a slow start, with waffles and the Sunday Times (and buyer's remorse at yesterday's haircut that has left me looking like Little Lord Fauntleroy, or someone equally horrifying. I originally thought I looked like Lord Byron, but a quick Google Images revealed he had short hair, so that's out. Maybe Oscar Wilde?), but we eventually got our acts together and piled into the car for a nice drive out to the sticks. We've been going to the same farm for years, and while we strolled around the orchard I reminisced about a failed attempt to steal a kitten there when I was younger. (My mother somehow failed to notice the kitten-shaped bulge in my fleece, but I shot myself in the foot by crowing over my supposed victory as soon as I got in the car, rather than waiting until we had actually driven away.) The actual peach picking was fine, but rather short lived, as it started to rain almost immediately. Mum and Aunt Grace went to pay, and the sisters and I wandered over to the animal pens. I have a very large, very soft spot in my heart for cows, and there were two early adolescent calves in a pen. I spent the summer petting the Forest Service mules, but cows have much much softer noses than mules. They only submit to so much petting, but $.50 worth of animal feed does wonders for their patience. EGA was worried about being bitten, but I really liked the feel of their long, pale, rough tongues. They aren't very good about feeding from hand, their tongues are somewhat over-zealous, and they ended up with more food on the ground than in their mouths, but I like to think we all had fun trying. I would have liked to feed the pig as well, but I suspect he would have bitten the living hell out of my fingers, and unlike cows, pigs like meat, so it wouldn't have even been sorry.
After peaches we went and picked blueberries and blackberries at another farm. This was more of a whim; we had set out to pick peaches, but berries are so tempting, and I've been going through them like it's my job since I've been home. What I especially liked was that they had someone firing a gun to keep the birds away. I always like to pretend when I'm picking fruit, and the sound of gunshots made it that much more exciting. I was gathering the crops before the invading army came and stole everything, leaving us to starve this winter. Except you shouldn't be eating berries in that situation, and I view it as my duty to eat as many berries as possible when we go to a U-Pick place, since fruit is expensive and that way you get more of your money's worth.
It was a really nice outing, and now we have enough fruit to feed an army. (But not my imaginary invading army-they don't get any fruit, it's all hardtack and salt pork for them.) We're doing a peach barbecue sauce tonight with dinner to celebrate...something. A day that ends in "Y". My safe return from the Wild West. Summer. Fall. Life. The fact that since people need to eat to live, we might as well eat delicious peach barbecue.

My In-tents Summer

2009-08-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Bon Appetit

2009-08-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I'm watching a movie, or reading a book, or trying to fall asleep, I find myself wondering "I wonder what X is doing.". (X being a person, obviously.) It isn't even that I really wonder, or especially care, but it's like getting a song stuck in your head- you can't help it. X has achieved almost imaginary friend status, my image of him has so little to do with the reality, but it is still slightly tiresome to have him pop into my mind at random intervals.
We went to see the movie "Julie & Julia" tonight, together as a family getting lost in space. I haven't read the book, and while My Life in France has been in my room for years, I haven't read that either. Nevertheless, I like Julia Child, and I certainly like that she went to Smith. She was such a larger than life character, while still remaining down-to-Earth, it's hard not to like her. Then again, I've made the same argument for Dolly Parton, and that hasn't buttered any parsnips with anyone, so what do I know? I would like to have a beautiful, happy, delicious, buttery life like Julia Child. Really though, I think I might be. I have the buttery part at least, and I can't help thinking Julia would have approved of our dinner that one night in the backcountry when we used an entire stick of butter in our mac to compensate for our lack of milk. She would have at least applauded the effort, and appreciated our understanding of what makes things taste good.

Cleavage

2009-08-26T12:07:00.001-07:00

Being home is weird. I very nearly lost my temper and had a big screaming fit when I first got home from Utah and needed to pack for my next trip, only to find my room had been vandalized and all of my clothes were missing (Note: When I say vandalized, I mean by my loving family, and not actual vandals.). I didn't, mainly because it wouldn't have been helpful at all, and I eventually found my clothes anyway. Life at home used to always be the same- I don't have any memories of specific holidays (with the exception of the year that I invited That Guy to Christmas) because life falls into patterns and it doesn't matter if I'm 20 or 7, my home life is constant. Things are starting to change now though, and it's very strange and off-putting, like hearing a cover version of a familiar song.
I can't really draw any attention to myself these days, and while that's something I'm totally ok with, my inner Middle Child is having a hard time coping. It's slightly awkward to write about, but I went to the gynecologist today and she yelled at me for not getting a mammogram after Emily was diagnosed. And then she told me that I need to go Right Away because she could feel something during my exam, even though she is pretty sure it's nothing. I would really like to freak out about this, but I don't think I can, and I know I can't freak out to my family because Emily for sure has cancer and so needs to be the focus of their attention. I wouldn't be worried if she didn't have cancer though, and so I wouldn't need to be reassured, but since she does, I am worried and I do need reassurance. And if it is something it'll seem like less of a big deal because everyone was already shocked by a young, healthy Altreuter girl having cancer, and so now they're used to the idea. And I'm not sure I could be as brave about it as Emily, so I'll look like I'm stealing her thunder and then being a big baby about it. And even if I am a good soldier it won't matter because Emily did it first.
I have plans. Big life plans, and I don't want them to be threatened, but everything is always so uncertain. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and never go to Africa or become a midwife, or even graduate college, and I hate that. I feel like the universe should really respect my careful planning and just let me be. I have things mapped out, and I don't need any curve balls right now, thank you very much.
I'm terrified to go back to school, but I think I need to leave home now. My optimistic outlook that I gained from spending my summer in the inspirational West is draining away, and I need to get back to the ambitious optimism of Smith to recharge. Really though, I want to just go back to the beginning of this summer, or even farther back, before Emily got sick, or even farther back, before I was lonely and miserable at a new school, or even farther, before I was lonely and miserable at my old school, or even FARTHER, when my sisters and I didn't all take up so much emotional room that our house wasn't big enough for the three of us. I usually live in the future, but now it's too scary, and I just want to crawl back into the comfortable familiarity of the past and be back at Olmsted. Because right now, that's the most recent time in my life when things made sense and felt safe.

End of Summer

2009-08-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

I actually didn't realize that my first Utah post went up, so I'm sorry I haven't updated since. Too much has happened since that post for me to write it all out now. My friend Carolyn tried to make a list of all the problems we've had this summer and it ran three pages long. Interpersonal drama, Life Flights in Wilderness areas, boy scout rescues, and mass sicknesses aside though, I've had a great summer. Life-changing in fact. Everything changes your life, but this summer has been Big. Being out West has made me think a lot about my life, and I think I have a better idea of what I need to do in order to feel happy and fulfilled. I need to stop saying I'm not an outdoorsy person for one thing, and I need to develop some skills that will help me survive my outdoorsiness. This isn't going to be my last Big Outdoors Summer. I don't want it to be. I want to be an SCA high school crew leader the summer after next, before I go into the Peace Corps., and I want to get my red card (Somehow. I'm not sure how to get it, or where they offer certification in Western New York or Western Mass for that matter. I'm also not sure where I'm going to get the money for the course, but I'll work that out. It'll more than pay for itself if I get to work on a fire crew for a summer, especially if I'm stationed somewhere sweet.) and work a fire crew. (I don't want to be a fire jumper though, Mum, so you should stop telling people that I do.)

Anyway, since I've come to this conclusion, that I am going to have an outdoorsy life, I'm going to have to make one obvious change, and probably others later on. Rugby isn't going to be the center of my life anymore. I love rugby, and I'm going to keep playing, but it's so consuming. I'm going to have to make room for other things. It's a good thing really, going on the Smith Outdoors backpacking trips and whatnot will introduce me to a new set of people.

A few years ago when I first got a decent backpack and sleepingbag, EGA commented on how now I was committed to living an outdoorsy life, since I had put so much money into it. That isn't going to change I guess. The boys on my crew are sometimes delightful, (sometimes felons too, but that's another story) but their major downfall is that they would rather talk about gear than anything. They LOVE gear talk, even though it is cruelly boring. Now I wish I had been listening though, because I'm going to need at least some gear, now that I've made this decision. I'm going to become one of those people that spends hours and hours at REI- my crewmates have corrupted me. I laughed, earlier this summer when everyone was talking about their boots (my entire crew, minus me, and the ever-sensible Ellen, has the same boots. Beautiful boots. These boots.) and how they spent three hundred dollars on them. That would pay for my books for a semester! And yet here I am. It's sad in a way. It's like running though, it should be the cheapest hobby out there- going into the wilderness! You shouldn't need to spend anything!- but it's actually pretty expensive. I need a new sleepingbag too, all the loft has gone out of mine. That can wait awhile, but I'm still browsing jobs as I think about this.

Financial woes aside, I hope I've learned some good sense this summer too. I tend to not regret mistakes once the initial sting has gone, and view them as Learning Experiences, but I need to not forget why it was a mistake. I think I've done it this time though, because I'm not sure that I haven't left a huge permanent scar that'll serve as a reminder. Without going into details, I seem to have developed an unfortunate taste for redneck. It's going to make dating in Massachusetts really unfortunate if it proves to be a lingering thing, but I'm not viewing myself as single right now, in the sense that you're only unemployed if you're seeking employment. So I'm going to focus on other things until I'm positive I can handle...I don't even know, the complications that come with trying to get close to someone. Maybe I'll be ready in a year or five.

I can't imagine going back to Smith, but I'm really excited too. I ended a chapter last night, and even though it was an interesting one, I'm excited for what's next.

Utah!

2009-06-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I was going to try and go three months without going online, but the lure of the public library was too much for me. I am weak.

Utah is amazing. We didn't have any work today, so we went to this thing called The Fairy Forest. It's this place in the woods where all the hippies come to use drugs, and they've decorated it with painted rocks and Halloween decorations and whatnot. It's ten cool, but we had to go during the day because it's constantly being raided at night.

We're spiking out soon-ish, but there's time if people want to send me warm stuff. We got caught in a snow storm today, and the Forest Service guys have been saying we should expect it to be in the twenties at night on the mountian. Brr...It's so weird, because just last weekend I was at Canyonlands and Arches, getting sunburned. Utah is just like that I guess.

Anyway, there's too much to report, so I'll just say that I'm having fun, making friends, and there are no cute guys, but there are some very nice ones.

Best. Podcast. Ever.

2009-05-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

I love Dan Savage's podcast "Savage Lovecast". It's funny, and educational and I highly recommend it.
I leave for Utah on Saturday. I was scared, but now I feel better. I talked to the project leader the other day, and he told me we have a week of training before we start work. That was very reassuring.
I've already started planning out letters that I'm going to write. I love writing letters, but I recognize the silliness of planning out what I'm going to say about the stars before I even see them myself.
I love SCA, I'm so glad I get to do this.

I'm Not Very Bright You Know

2009-05-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

Without going into details, I got my worst report card in a long time. I should feel upset, but I really just feel relieved. I'm glad I finally got my grades. They are going to haunt me, and my life is arguably ruined, if you have a very loose definition of ruined (ruined = ...yeah ok, my life is clearly not ruined.), but now I feel like it's summer. I can let go of this past semester, heck, this past year, and move onto the next thing as a wiser person. It has been a long year. I wouldn't say it's been a bad year, but lots of bad things happened. More than usual. Here I am though, on the other side, feeling optimistic. I'm going to do better next semester, and things will work out. This all reminded me of Puzzle, from The Last Battle. He's a very sweet character, even if he is stupid, but I understand Eustace when he tells him that things would have been better if instead of harping on about how not bright he is, he instead tried to be as bright as possible. Smith is a hard school. It might be a little too hard for me to do as well as I did at Geneseo, but that isn't any reason to not do my best. It's more reason to work as hard as I possibly can. So I'm not going to beat myself up about my grades, but I am going to learn from this experience and do better. I'm also going to unpack my stuff, because it really is summer, and my parents want their living room back.

Sleep

2009-05-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

I could not for the life of me get to sleep last night, and so I instead experienced what I came to call the Self-Loathing Spiral. It was not fun at all, and went something like this: "God I need to be less grumpy with people, it isn't their fault I'm bored" -> "I'm really just not used to being around people after an entire semester of not having any friends" -> "But did I really have friends at Geneseo? One of the reasons I left was because I felt alone." -> "Pretty much no one likes me. It's entirely probable that more people dislike me than like me." -> "Because I am a bad person." -> "Part of the reason I want to go into the Peace Corp. is because I am a worse person than other people, and so I have to make up for it." -> "I don't even know how to make friends, and even when I somehow get them I inevitably push them away or fail to hold their interest. I should just be quarantined." -> "And forget about dating. As soon as someone expresses interest in me I get bored, and that's no way to treat someone. I should never act on my attractions. Ever. It never turns out well." -> "I'm not even a good student, the Peace Corp. is just a defense mechanism to spare myself from applying to grad school."
And of course I revisited the infamous Spring Break Facebook thread. And then I thought about my speeches from when I ran for the rugby Board (and lost three times) and felt like a moron. I don't have any reason to think people on the team even like me, running for Board was just stupid. It was pretty miserable. I usually like myself, but lately I've been wondering why that is. No one else seems to like me, and my theory that if people really understood me they would like me doesn't hold water when good friends dismiss you as a bad person. That's one of the things I like about Smith though, is that no one really knows me there. Even after a semester, I still have a pretty blank slate. I don't have to be my old self, I can see where I went wrong and try to be better.

Whoa We're Halfway There!

2009-05-08T07:26:00.001-07:00

Assuming I passed everything, I'm halfway through college.

We've Reached That Point in Finals Week

2009-05-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Drawback to schisming with your mostly companion #597:
No one else fully appreciates my love of dancing to the Chuck Berry song "You Never Can Tell" from Pulp Fiction when I'm stressed to the teeth.

If in Twenty Years Neither of Us is Married...

2009-05-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

Offhand, I can think of three guys that have offered to marry me if we're both still unmarried down the line. They don't want to marry me under normal circumstances, so I'm not bragging, but it's still weird. My life is pretty mapped out right now, so I hope I meet someone along the way, because I'm booked until I'm like thirty. I wouldn't like to marry any of those Lotharios anyway, I think they offered because they're also worried about finding mates. These are also coincidentally the boys that have been encouraging me to date girls while I'm at Smith, so I'm getting some mixed messages.

Utah. Utah. Utah.

2009-05-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be ok. I'll be home in a week, I can handle these papers and exams right now. There's always something to look forward to that keeps me going. The prospect of going to a farm got me through one week, a summer in Utah should be more than enough to help me survive now. I'm so close to done. Less than twenty pages to go, and then I'll be a junior in college. I can do this.

Pride

2009-05-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

It's Pride Weekend in Northampton, an event that always makes me feel slightly guilty. I'm totally not homophobic, but...I did catch myself thinking that it would be nice, if only for the sake of simplicity, if girls would look like girls and boys would look like boys. And if everyone would just use their biologically assigned pronoun. It's clearly more important that people do what makes them happy, and I understand that it isn't a choice, and it's about what feels natural and right to the individual, I understand and support that. We recently voted on whether or not we should change our House Constitution to say "the resident" instead of "she" out of consideration for trans students. I almost didn't think it would pass (even though I voted for it. I don't see the harm in helping people feel included; that's actually what I'm all about.), a lot of girls pointed out that we chose to go to a women's college, and so we should get to revel in the feminine pronoun while we're here. So it isn't that I don't like equality and making people feel comfortable, I just don't like it when you have to play Guess The Gender. And I refuse to use "zhe", I just won't. A lot of the time it isn't any of my business, but I would still like to know. Someone, I can't remember who, told me that people are uncomfortable when they don't know a person's gender because they want to assess whether they could be a potential mate. I don't know about that, but there are situations that people get into where they don't want to be surprised by that kind of plot twist. I met a very nice person last night at the Mount Holyoake-Smith Rugby, Ice Hockey, Ultimate Frisbee party, but darned if I know what pronoun they prefer, and that's a little distracting. It doesn't matter to me, as I'm not looking to mate with anyone that attends MoHo, but I like knowing.
Gay Pride aside, tomorrow is the Rugby Banquet. We have a circus theme, and I'm going as a human cannonball. (Scrum cap and swim goggles.) It should be fun, my Big Sib is going to reveal herself. The Smith ruggers are great, really, but they aren't like the Geneseo team. I wish my rookie class hand bonded more. I think I would have been a good social chair, I could have taken steps to bond next year's rookies.
Sometimes, when I'm riding in the car with the Smith rugby team, the song "All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers comes on, and it makes me think of Geneseo. They would play it toward the end of the night at the IB, and all the ruggers would put their arms around each other in a circle and jump up and down. I remember one night in particular, I was between Chase and CWB (I was trying to include her, even though she wasn't on rugby. It was moderately successful, a male rugger pulled her out of the circle, but I got her back in.) and it was just a really fun night, but also the kind of night that I don't miss having. So, in the movie that is my life, I am in the car, with my new teammates, at my new school, and things are good, and this song comes on, and it flashes back to that night, and then you see me, and I'm happy, and the movie ends. And I live happily ever after.

Ow

2009-04-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

I lost three elections today. B-side captain, social chair, and alumni sec. I'm glad I ran though, and I was nominated for some stuff that I didn't try for because I didn't think I would do a good job, but being nominated was nice. I'm already kind of pumped for next season, I'm not going to lie.
I swam twenty lengths today. I feel like Echo, it helps me be my best. I kind of ruined it with my late night cheesy bread, but I felt virtuous for a few hours there. Besides, I'm studying for finals, eating crap late at night is part of the process. Swimming was nice though, I'd like to do it more often. It's another example of things I feel comfortable doing at Smith that I didn't at Geneseo. It's a long list, including wearing party tops with soccer shorts because I need to do laundry. I'm a pretty bad swimmer, and I have to admit, I was swimming backstroke because I was breathing really hard and would have drowned if I had attempted front crawl. It was my first time swimming in a long time though, I'll presumably improve if I stick with it.

That Party Last Night Was Awful Crazy

2009-04-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

Looking at pictures from Geneseo rugby Alumni Weekend, I know I made the right choice. And I know how smug that sounds, but this was not what I wanted from my college experience. It is a good song though, I love how all the Smithies love it in a totally ironic way.

Nice Weekend

2009-04-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

Friday was Farm Day. Our head coach Ben went to Yale, but now he's a farmer, a decision that I'm sure his parents had some trouble dealing with. Not that I don't appreciate farming, farmers, and farms, but I think it's an unconventional career path for a Yale man. It is an adorable farm though, with goats, cows, chickens, and sheep. I even got to hold a lamb, and I caught a chicken, something that if I recall, gave EGA some trouble. We had a short scavenger hunt, and then had a team dinner in the barn. It was a nice evening. I had tickets for The Decemberists, but we didn't get back in time. It's ok though, they'll be back, and I don't love their new album anyway. I'm glad I went to Farm Day, I like doing stuff with the team.
Saturday was The Rescue of Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers, so I caught an early bus to Boston. I ended up going by myself, child soldiers can't compete with a rugby match and Senior Ball, but I'm pretty independent. I never have a problem going off on my own, I do SCA, I explored Paris by myself for the most part, this was just another solo adventure. I chose not to focus on the alone part, and have a good time and use it as an opportunity to meet new people. Sarah M. and her boyfriend met me at South Station, and we all went out to lunch in the North End. We found this little lunch place where the waiters jump in and out of windows to bring people their food, so that was fun. The windows were pretty high too, higher than my knees, it reminded me of the jumping drills we used to do at Geneseo. After lunch they walked me to my starting point, and I signed in and was officially Abducted. I was kind of early, so I sat on a wall and talked to some girls. I think I should probably get some TOMS, I had this whole long conversation with a girl about them, and I don't even own them. It makes me feel like a poseur. Anyway, I eventually found a few other people that had come by themselves, and so we sort of stuck together for the rest of the day. Around three thirty we started walking to the "LRA Camp". We all held onto a rope and walked along the Freedom Trail in silence. We actually got a decent amount of attention, but a lot of it was negative. One man yelled out of his window that we should be focused on freeing Palestine, and some toolish guy tried to debate with us about whether the war in Uganda is actually the longest running war in Africa. (When people asked us what we were doing we were supposed to say "We're trying to end the longest running war in Africa." but I don't know if it is true or not. The Falling Whistles people claim that the war in the Congo is the longest running war. Then again, they ripped off my $30, so I don't know if I trust them as a source.) I don't see why people felt the need to heckle the peace protesters, but they did. The main event was on the Boston Common. When we got there we handed over our family pictures, and started writing letters. It was pretty cool to see all the people that came out, my friend Josh estimated that there were about a thousand people there. It was a pretty young crowd too, there were some parents, skewing the mean age, but it was mostly high school kids. I felt old. Aside from letter writing and a little art project there weren't any planned activities. We sat on the lawn and talked for the most part. At one point there was a massive game of quackadilly that lasted for a good forty five minutes. We had probably five circles within the main circle, since whenever people got out they would go into the middle and start a new game.
John Kerry and Ted Kennedy didn't show, like big jerks. They sent an intern that clearly didn't have a clue. We had to be polite about it, but I heard the event coordinator talking about it after and he was furious. It was a big event, they should have come in person. We got some media coverage, but the news stations actually asked us to stop calling because so many people were on the phone trying to get the media to come out. I talked to a couple of student reporters though, which is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. At least someone came out to cover the event. I think it was newsworthy.
Later in the evening we actually had a former member of the LRA come and talk to us. It was really sad. He goes around to campuses lecturing, but he still got very emotional talking about his experiences. It's awful, but I had a hard time understanding what he was saying. His English isn't great, and he was choked up, but I got the gyst. That was probably the best part of the event. There was also a sing-along, but that was actually pretty painful. I hate being that person that thinks they're too cool to sing along, but singing "Imagine" when you only know like one and a half verses is not ok. It is only made worse when it is being attempted by nine hundred people, all starting at different times, singing different parts.
The event broke up around ten when Justin Masterson showed up. He was pretty hilarious actually, he said that he supports our cause and thinks that all children should get to play for the Red Sox. Because that's clearly what child soldiers need. He didn't have a clue, but the Red Sox had just beaten the Yankees, so I was impressed that he showed at all. And I got to shake his hand. He certainly is tall and bald.
Sarah came to meet me at the Commons to save me from getting lost and needing to be rescued (again), and we took the T back to her apartment. Tim had told her to make sure she had beer in the house, since I would need one after playing child soldier all day, but I was more about the amazing frozen yogurt she had gotten me. (Strawberry apricot. Yum.)
Today has been pretty low key. I had an endless bus ride, and then, because it was a beautiful day, I stayed in my room "working" (sleeping). It was the Comstock Senior Banquet tonight, so I worked a little later than usual because they were shorthanded. The theme was Moulin Rouge, so all the girls were in fishnets and top hats, it was quite a sight. Scrubbing pots was incredibly hot work, so I took a brief break in the walk-in refrigerator like in Mostly Martha. It was raining when I got off work, and it smelled wonderful, like summer. I'm feeling really good about life as long as I don't think about the next two weeks. Soon it will be summer, and even if it won't be the Dollhouse-esque experience I would like (running, yoga, bonsai cutting class), it will be nice.

Yay! A List Post

2009-04-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Things I Want to Do Before I Die:

see the Northern Lights
have a baby
go to Uganda
learn to drive
work in a bakery
learn basic medical skills (how to put in an IV, give a shot, CPR, etc.)
own a dog
kiss someone in the rain
live on a sailboat (for at least a week)
surf
get married
do a historical reenactment
jump off of rocks into (deep. very deep. verified as deep) water
see the Pyramids (because I have a hard time really believing they're real)
have a signature recipe that people ask me for

My Big Sib

2009-04-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

Smith rugby does something called Big Sibs, where a new player is assigned to an older player. We didn't do that at Geneseo, so I don't really get it. My roommate had a Big Sis when she pledged her sorority, and that seemed like another way to haze her, she had to memorize her family line and be ready for quizzing at all times. I don't think this is like that, but I'm not sure. I know that Big Sibs on rugby have some power to boss their littles, they get to share their water and whatnot, but because there isn't any hazing here I am at something of a loss. It's also unclear who gets to be a big, there are a lot of new vets that are freshmen, can they be Big Sibs for new upperclassmen players? It seems wrong to graduate before your Big. I got a clue about mine last night, she put a note in my mailbox. I guess I'm supposed to guess her identity. "Hardly anyone calls me by my given name.." That narrows it down to 90% of the team, everyone goes by last names. I have theories, but I need more clues. I hope I get another today. I know it isn't a senior, so that narrows it down a little. I don't have any strong preferences really, I only dislike one girl on the team, and she's graduating. I don't even really mind the president, despite our spat at Beast. It isn't her though, she's one of the few people that goes by her given name. I like having a little mystery, I'm glad they're drawing it out instead of just announcing it at dinner the other night.

Who Said Head?

2009-04-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

We had a social practice today to celebrate Beast of the East. I'm glad Smith does social practices, it was something I really liked at Geneseo. It's slightly different, there wasn't a drinking component, we just went out for wings. Not that I'm complaining at all. I love early evening weekday beer pong as much as the next girl, but this was nice. We ate a lot, and hung out, but these things never last as long as I would like. We were supposed to get our Big Sibs, but we didn't. I'm curious about who I'm going to get, but I also suspect it will be someone that got stuck with me because they have to have someone and I was the only rookie left. I can't help the self-doubt, it's just the way I'm relating to the team.
The car ride back was depressing. One of our props apparently has parents that really lean on her about losing weight, and they're making her do weight watchers this summer, so this is her last summer that she's going home. She's a first year too, which makes me feel so babyish that I go home when she's going to get an apartment. But the point is we then got into a weight conversation, which is my least favorite of all conversations. I like to think that Smithies are slightly protected from all of the body image drama, girls walk around in the "Love Your Body" shirts all the time, and it's a really safe environment, but it still reaches us. And that makes me incredibly sad, especially when first years talk about how fat they are and how they starve themselves the day before weigh-ins. But then at the same time I check my watch and feel relieved that we ate so early, because now I can digest and have time to go to the gym and work off some of my dinner. Because I have been feeling really self-conscious about the way I look, especially because I bought a new bathing suit last week. I just want to protect people from feeling bad about themselves, but I don't know this girl well enough to really talk to her about this. I'm sad that her parents are so sucky though, that sounds like it's really hard.
On a slightly cheerier note, Western Massachusetts Buffalo wings are awful. I knew they wouldn't be good when we walked in, the place did not smell delicious. The not-Buffalo style were ok, but the Buffalo were not good. I took one bite and then just put it down on my plate. Spicy doesn't mean good, it was all power and no finesse.

Secrets

2009-04-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wish I could keep secrets. It's an important social skill, and something I'm going to need to do in my chosen field. At the same time though, I don't like having secrets of my own. I like talking about things. It seems like most of the time it's better to talk about things than not. And I don't mean to say that people should always say whatever is running through their minds, there's nothing wrong with tact, but I feel like it's often better to say something instead of just carrying it around.
I want to be on the selection committee for the rugby team. I actually approached both coaches this weekend with suggestions, but I'm not on the committee, and so it was pretty pointless. I think I had reasonable points (one girl's parents had come to watch, one was a senior. They're both good players that put in the time and effort and deserved to play. Neither one would have hurt the team if he had put them out, and they probably would have helped. I hate it when coaches don't sub. Especially since we had all come out, giving up our weekend, and in the end I don't think it matters whether we win or not, we're there to have fun and play rugby. All of us. Except me, I wasn't there to play rugby, I've mentally checked out for the season.) I like our coaches, but they don't sub enough, and it pisses me off. I actually got into it a bit with the team president, she said she would quit if the team gave preference to seniors, but I think that's incredibly babyish. Lots of seniors didn't get to play in the tournament, and they aren't going to get another chance. Most of them aren't planning on playing after college, and it's an important tournament with a lot of sentimental value. Besides, if everyone plays as a senior then everyone gets a turn eventually. While we were having this argument her girlfriend was waving her hands at me and shaking her head, clearly signally for me to cut it out and not pay attention to her, but I don't see what the problem is with sharing playtime. I knew I wasn't going to convince her, this was the girl that wouldn't give someone else a chance to play even though she is on crutches. She is convinced that the team is better off with her gimping along than someone else scrumhalfing. I mean c'mon, that's selfish and shortsighted, she's a junior and she could have really hurt herself. Playing injured is just silly, and she'll be back at Beast next year anyway. It made me pretty mad, but it boils down to individualistic versus collectivistic thinking. The kicker is that individualistic thinking is assciated with better developmental outcomes. I think that's sort of sad, but you can't count on other people to not look out for themselves, so maybe it's best to look out for yourself. But then we're back to is it better to be optimistic and disappointed or pessimestic and pleasantly surprised, and I still say optimism is better.
I want to run for B-side captain so I can have some input on selections, but I know I won't win. The incoming president's (not the one I fought with, she's the old president) girlfriend is running, and I don't have any pull with anyone. Running would mean making a speech and then losing gracfully, and I don't feel like doing that. It's lame, but I don't want to run for something that I really want because I would be very disappointed if I didn't get it. I think I would do a good job, but the girl that is going to win will do a good job too. And the fact that I don't care how the team does as long as we play well and people have fun isn't a selling point for letting me help pick the teams.
This morning we had an early game, and when we got to the field it was all dewy and smelled amazing. I love that early morning country summer smell, it's so clean. I had a challenging weekend, but that morning smell was really great.

Barefoot At Smith

2009-04-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

I went barefoot today to show my support and raise awareness for people that cannot afford shoes. It was interesting. Smith grass is very soft, but the sidewalks are much rockier than I had previously realized.
I honestly want to make the world better, but I am so invisible I don't know how I'm helping raise awareness at all. It is discouraging. People didn't even really notice that I wasn't wearing shoes. I think it's a vague gesture though, people possibly just assumed I am a dirty hippie.
I went for a short run with a girl from my child clinical psych class today. She's really nice, and afterwards we sat on rocks by the river and talked a bit. Some people were walking their white golden retrievers on the path, and the dogs jumped into the water to come say hi. It was glorious, I didn't even mind getting soaked by their enthusiasm. We also ran into an adorable puppy later, on the way to lunch. It was a good day for dogs. We got grab and go from Hubbard and ate lunch on the Washburn lawn, and a lot of people came and joined us. Andrea even showed up and gave me another hug. (The girl certainly hugs like she means it, I love it.) It was sunny and beautiful, and I felt really happy.
I'm not playing this weekend, and so my rugby season is effectively over. It's ok, this way I have the whole summer to get over my yips. Most of the girls are going to play in summer leagues, but I don't mind that I can't. Rugby is important, but I never wanted to take it to the next level really. I never go to national try outs, even when teammates do. I don't think I'll play after college. I love it, but it doesn't define me. I don't mind not playing this weekend. I'm still going to go and have fun. It was almost a relief when Ben announced the team and I wasn't on it, I had a bad week, and I don't think I would help the team. I can do better, and I'll show him that in the fall, but for now...it isn't that big a deal to me. I don't mind the chance to heal a little, people stare when I wear shorts, my legs look awful.

Registered

2009-04-13T06:18:00.000-07:00

So things aren't set in stone, but I registered this morning. I'm taking Psychology of Personality, Learning and Behavior Change, Swahili I and II, Africa: Popular Health and Environmental Issues, and a nutrition class (if I can't get into Emergency Care. It was full, but I'm going to show up for the first class and try to get in). I'm feeling pretty good about things. It's a solid schedule, and I only have one day where class conflicts with rugby practice. I am meeting with the head of the Third World Development Studies department tomorrow to talk about my shiny new minor, and I'm taking care of my credit shortage. Now if I just need to find out where I'm living and I'll be all set. I really really want to live in Haven, Wesley, or Chapin. I'm probably going to have a roommate, but that's fine with me. I think it could even be a good thing.
Smith is really great.

Exhaustion

2009-04-08T17:18:00.001-07:00

I spent about 45 minutes today crying. Needless to say, counseling was a success. Well...sort of a success. It was nice having someone tell me that it's ok to be having a hard time at a new school, in a new state, trying to break into a famously cliquey org (seriously, everyone I've told about joining rugby has told me they're really cliquey. Where did this come from? Rugby is supposed to be friendly.), and doing all of this coming in during the middle of the year. It is hard, and I appreciated her acknowledging that. There's just something about therapy that makes me cry though, I don't know what it is. I went in and told her that I was feeling much better since I made the appointment, and then I just broke down. It was pretty exhausting actually, and then I had to go take a quiz.
The counselor suggested I take a more active role in making friends, and that I stop worrying that people are only being nice to me because I am the pathetic transfer. She told me I should talk to my HP if I'm lonely. I like my HP, but I'm really more focused on the rugby team. Today I suggested the rookies all do something together, but this idea was shot down. The girl I suggested this to said we should be all bonding as a team, and not separating off into groups. I think this is stupid for several reasons (A. We don't bond as a team anyway, so this would be bonding as opposed to not bonding, B. There is nothing wrong with having a tight rookie class, it's a good way for people to feel accepted as a part of the team, C. I'm not suggesting a coup, just dinner or watching one of Ben's rugby dvds. I don't think it would hurt anyone, D. The team is already so cliqued out it would be almost impossible to make it any more divided. We're playing the molecule game here) but I didn't press the issue. It was frustrating getting shut down while I was trying to do my counseling homework and set up something social, but I'm going to keep trying. With someone else tomorrow. I started with this girl because she reminds me of Dana, so I felt more comfortable, but she isn't Dana, so it was a false sense of security. It sounds really bad, but I could go for some good old fashioned hazing. Nothing deadly, but it brought the Geneseo team together really well. I don't see the harm in making a pong table or something. I don't know what I can do about rugby except be patient, but it's hard.

Not Studying

2009-04-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

I miss yoga. And running. But mostly yoga. It's hard to justify more workout time when I'm in rugby practice for two hours every night, but I don't think I'm as active as I was before the season started. I want to go back to the hot yoga sometime in the near future, it makes me feel amazing. It's a short list of things that make me that peaceful. I think $12 is a fair price for the kind of deep contentment I'm talking about.
I reached out for UMass Invisible Children people. The roadies went to UMass Amherst, I feel like this is a lead. The Rescue is coming up soon, I'm getting really excited.
My brain feels wrung out. I called home too many times today to blog.

Divas

2009-04-02T09:48:00.001-07:00

Every Wednesday night the rugby team goes to this gay bar in town called Divas. I had never gone before, I had never been invited, but last week one of the girls turned eighteen, and so there was a Facebook event, and I decided that this was the closest to a real invite that I was going to get. I'm so desperate for the team to accept me into their clique that I keep redrawing the line for what I'm willing to do, and so I redrew it and decided to go out on a Wednesday night, even though I have a 9 am Thursday class. Being invited to the bar is the easy part, pre-gaming proved to be a challenge. The Facebook event said to pre-game at your own discretion,
which pretty much meant you were on your own for getting alcohol. I was ok with that, but I didn't have anyone to hang out with before going, so I was going to have to walk over by myself and hope that people didn't leave for this mystery bar without me. It didn't seem worth it, but after a bracing phone call with my mom I decided to bite the bullet and go for it. I showered (with a brief fire drill interruption) and then watched Dirty Dancing until it was time to go. The rugger from my house actually came by to get me though, so I was included in pre-gaming activities, which made me happy. Divas is not actually very fun. I love a good drag queen as much as the next person, but $12 is a lot to pay for a cover for a bar where all the men are gay. I don't think I'm going to make a habit of going, and it made me a little homesick for the IB.
The best part of the evening actually came the next morning. I woke up to find the underage X's on my hands had transferred to my face, giving me a nice beatnik beard. It washed off (thank God) so I didn't have to go to class like that, but it gave me quite a start when I first looked in the mirror.

Following My Own Advice

2009-03-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have decided to see a counselor. I know deciding to see someone can be a private thing, but I'm always saying I think everyone would benefit from talking to a counselor every now and then, and so I feel like it's ok for me to announce it. I'm ok, I just think I should talk to someone about my inability to make and keep friends. I'll admit it, I've been ruminating about the whole Nicole thing. It's so tempting to say I make bad friend choices, but other people get along with them, and so I think it's probably me. It's a shame that I didn't address this in time for things to work out with some of my former friends, but at least I'll have a better chance in the future. I sometimes worry that I'm a sociopath, but I think I'm probably in the clear because of that worry, a real sociopath wouldn't care that they're a sociopath. I don't want to have unreasonable expectations, but I hope it helps. It isn't hugely pressing, I was talking to EGA about my problem of alienating friends, and she while she was able to relate, she was not concerned about what it said about our characters. "So it says something about our characters", she said with a vocal shrug, which I think summed it up nicely. Still, it would be nice to have some friends. In-state friends if at all possible, I have at least three in the world. And they are delights.
I'm trying to make my schedule for next semester, but it's hard to do. There are so many cool-sounding classes, and a lot of them conflict, and I don't know which ones are going to fill up. What sounds more fun, Learning and Behavior Change (I'd get to experiment on a pidgeon!), or Psychology of Behavior? Buddhist Thought, or Buddhist Meditation? Africa: Popular Health and Environmental Issues, or American Popular Culture? Plus I need to leave room in my schedule for Swahili, and I want to get into Emergency Care. And possibly West African Dance (my HP is taking it and I see her practicing all the time. It looks like a ton of fun. I frequently wish I could dance).

Only One Way to Make the Bubbles Stay

2009-03-30T20:12:00.001-07:00

I had an endless day.
I am officially out of clothes, so I'm doing laundry tomorrow. Laundry makes me happy though, so I'm looking forward to it. I'll have clean clothes and clean sheets, I'll take out the garbage, and clean Flora's crate, and maybe I'll even vacume. I can't go to practice on Tuesdays because of work, so I'm hoping to go for a run by the river. Long days aren't bad, but I'm glad Tuesdays tend to be light and pleasant so I can recuperate.

Rainy Sunday

2009-03-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Today has flown by, and I still have so much to do. I keep telling myself "x days until I can stop and regroup", but x keeps getting bigger. I don't have very much semester left though, so while one number is disturbingly large, the other is shrinking at an alarming rate. Second semester always seems to fly by, but I feel like I just got to Smith. I don't think I've accomplished enough here yet for the semester to end.
I really like the rugby team, but I'm having a hard time breaking into the social part. I have lots of experience with rugby, but I'm the only new player that joined without already having a good friend/girlfriend on the team. And the team doesn't have parties, they just go to parties together, but I don't have any of their phone numbers, so I can't call them to meet up. And they apparently don't eat dinner together most nights. I miss my warthogs.

Nobility

2009-03-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

You know, when you Google "noble" you get a page full of pictures of cars? What is the world coming to? I had to be much more specific to get what I wanted, but it was worth it, since I defy you to think of something more noble than a lion riding a horse. Or more hilarious than a monkey wearing two tuxedos.
Earlier when I posted about Aaron, I mentioned the fact that we chatted for awhile. I thought about posting about our conversation in that post, but I wanted to stay on topic and give him his due and not talk about myself anymore than I already did. But something came up in our conversation that I have been thinking about a lot, so here I go. Because Aaron is graduating, he is thinking a lot about what he wants to do with his life, and he asked me about my life plan. Now I love talking about my life plan, but his reaction surprised me. He was down for me going to Africa, which is unusual in and of itself, most people try to discourage me with stories about bot flies, malaria and rogue armies. No, what threw me was he said it was a noble life plan. So I'm not stupid, and I know that my life plan is a lot of doing good works, but I still feel like calling it noble is more likely mocking than sincere. I'm not noble. No one outside of my family even likes me because I'm so not noble. He meant it though, he said I was going to make a difference in the world, and people like me are going to help make the situation in Africa better (He said that! People like me!). And that's what I want, to help, but I don't know how I feel about being painted as noble. Even though he meant it in a good way, and it would be good to be a noble person...it made me feel guilty. Which is probably the opposite of what he wanted, but I can't help it. I'm not noble.

Aw

2009-03-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

So there I was, planking around online, when my old Stage Musicals TA Aaron IMed me. We used to talk online fairly regularly, but I hadn't heard from him in awhile, and so I figured he had lost interest since I no longer go to Geneseo and so cannot attend his performances. I never really thought we were friends, so I didn't say goodbye or anything, even though I always liked him, but he apparently didn't get the memo that I had transferred. He actually IMed me to invite me to his senior recital, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I'm sad that I can't go, I like his performances; they tend to be hammy, and I think endearing. We ended up chatting for a decent while, and it made me wonder if maybe we actually were friends. And then I felt bad for not saying goodbye. What do you say to those people though, the ones that you like, but don't hang out with, and don't know well? I wouldn't have done things any differently if I could have a do-over, it's too often the case that acting like you care about people is "creepy". Still, he's a nice guy, I'm glad I knew him. Maybe we'll keep in some sort of touch, our relationship was mostly online anyway. He wants to write musicals, and I really like the idea of someday going to see one of his shows on Broadway. Or if that doesn't pan out and he goes on to Plan B, I'll watch his news show. Either or.

S.O.R.E.

2009-03-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing feels like rugby. I'm in the best shape of my life, or something like, and I'm still dying from practice yesterday. It hurts to put on my shoes. I got off my bed wrong and twinged my back. My right knee is troublingly unstable. But I'm happy, that counts for a lot. And I know my muscles will harden eventually.
There's a rugby social event this Friday. Our first game is Saturday, and two girls have birthdays this week, so we're having a team dinner. I'm going to make the sausage buns my dad posted about awhile ago. I hope I'll have access to spices, I don't want to buy whole containers of spices if I don't have to. It's exciting. I think I'm going to like the team. They're all dating each other, but it doesn't seem too dramatic. We have a social with Yale after the game on Saturday. I don't think I'm going to drink, I never got into the whole afternoon drunk thing, but I can't drive because I don't know how, so I feel like it isn't fair to the DD girls if I don't. Sort of like "eat your peas there are starving kids in China". Not that I think that's a good enough reason to do something I don't want to. With drinking. I'm totally anti-wasting food.
This week is going too quickly. This semester is going too quickly. I'm not ready for it to be summer, mostly because I can't run 13 miles yet. And I'm not where I want to be with my grades. I need more time. I feel like that's going to be the story of my life.
My whistle still hasn't arrived. It makes me sad. I want to wear it around so people ask me about it and I can tell them about Falling Whistles and then get them to join Invisible Children. And yes, that is my Master Plan.

A Web is a House for a Spider

2009-03-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

It's good to be back at Smith. The ride back was sort of fun actually. It was just Woody and me, which I thought would be awkward, but wasn't. We were able to talk for most of the ride, and it wasn't uncomfortable when we eventually fell quiet. We got pulled over for speeding, but it wasn't a huge deal. 85 in a 60 zone, pshaw. I made a terrible showing when he asked me what kind of music I like, but I didn't care. I feel surprisingly unselfconscious around Woody. He wouldn't take any money for gas, which I thought was nice.
Now I'm back in my room. Flora is all set up at the foot of my bed, and I had a nice dinner with a bunch of girls from my floor. I feel really good about things. Rugby starts tomorrow, and I have the whole evening to get where I need to be as far as work.

Washing the Slate

2009-03-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a sort of rough week. Being home is great, I love seeing my family, and just being in Buffalo is nice. I met some cool people, and I learned about some cool new causes. Sometimes though, the few negative things can make an otherwise harmless, or even good week bad. For some reason two wronged parties decided this was the week to air their grievances, and that wasn't fun to hear. I'm sad that these people feel that way, (though I'm not surprised by one of them) but I'm not questioning myself over it. Even though a lot of what they said was true, I'm not going to hate myself over it, that's totally unproductive. I've been watching the show "Dollhouse", and this has made me think of what Echo said in the first episode, about how you can always see what was on the slate, even after it's been cleaned. And Dana told me that even if I transferred I would still be the same person, and I can't run away from myself. I don't mind these traces though, they're part of who I am. And I like who I am, even if I have made more than my share of mistakes and other people don't like me. I think I'm doing an ok job. Not a stellar job, but I'm trying. And so that allowed me to sleep last night, even after a day of being told that I have a bad character, and not dwell, and doubt myself. I'm making a more serious effort to wipe the slate and start fresh, and it's actually easier now, as ties to my old life are being cut. I even like that an old camp friend is transferring to Geneseo, and sealing up, at least in my mind, whatever space I left, so I know it's really over. I doubt baby birds really mind being pushed out of the nest, there's a whole world out there. Even being told that people are tearing me apart behind my back, and the only person that defends me is CWB doesn't bother me as much as I think the teller intended it to. I'm putting the past behind me, and I don't actually care what people that don't like me think. Everything feels like life and death when you're living it, but I left, it's over, and I have the whole world before me.

Wow

2009-03-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

All break I've been hearing about my dad's hippie shoe salesmen friends that were coming to visit, but I didn't really understand what my parents were talking about until tonight. My dad somehow came to know a group of Vagabonds, or people that tour the country selling TOMS Shoes, and he offered them our couches for when their travels brought them to Buffalo. They're very nice, and not actual hippies. They arrived this evening, and it turns out they're about my age, and not old the way I had pictured them. Hippies to me suggests old, but they're roughly college-aged. It was a little awkward at first, the boy is very handsome and scruffy, and the girls are super cool, so I felt shy. My parents kept trying to drag me into the conversation too, which made things even harder. I loosened up over pizza though, and the next thing I knew I was in their sweet TOMS van, on my way to Niagara Falls. I've been kind of lonely this break, so the Vagabonds were something of a Godsend. We got lost on the way, even with their Aussie-voiced GPS, but it was fun. It wasn't too cold at the Falls, and they had never been there before, which was cool. We walked around and chatted, I mostly talked to K., but they were all really nice, and very interesting too. (K. opted to not go to college, but she is trained as a nurse, J. is a dancer, and got a call about dancing for Flo Rida while we were at the Falls, and D. is a triathelete, and knows all about Invisible Children.) We wandered around for a couple of hours, and then headed back into Buffalo. We were going to go to SPOT, but it was closed, so we just came back to the house. I'm a little jealous that they're touring the country, helping to get shoes for kids in developing nations. At the same time, it renewed my resolve to help make the world better. Every little bit helps, and what they are doing is inspiring. I was talking to my dad earlier this evening, before the Vagabonds came, about manners, and how it doesn't cost anything to be polite to people. I think helping people is along the same line, even if it is more extreme. If I am capable of helping though, I think I should do it. Even if it is hard, it's worth it.
I'm really glad I got to hang out with some people my own age. I like them too, and I think I did an ok job. It was nice spending time with people that are passionate about a cause, but who also appreciate adventure. I thought about trying it out myself, but I don't think I would like living in a van. They don't get any exercise, and I think that would bother me. I'm back on track though, which is big.

Generosity

2009-03-16T11:57:00.000-07:00

Can you be generous if you don't value things as highly as other people do? I sometimes think I'm more generous than some people, but maybe I just don't value the things that I give so freely as much as they do. Time for instance. I'm almost always willing to spare my time and energy, but is that more generous than the few minutes a busier friend can grant me? It isn't that I don't value my time though, but I know I'm not as practical as my friends. And what are these busy people doing that makes their time so valuable? It's all very mysterious.

No Place Like Home

2009-03-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

I never really think about missing Buffalo until I come back. Sure, I'll occasionally bemoan other places' lack of Mighty Taco, but I don't think "God I wish I was in Buffalo", as much as "I sure could go for lots of cheap Tex Mex right about now". As we drove into the city last night though, I was literally bouncing on my seat, I was that excited to be back.
The trip back was the shortest I've ever had, thanks largely to the driver's impressive speeding. I got a ride with a fellow CHS alum that goes to Amherst, which worked out great. We were never good friends, or even friends at all, but he always seemed like a class act. He has inoffensive taste in music too, and while I thought the levels of pretentiousness were a bit high (three Amherst students, each with an iPhone, and both boys were wearing blazers and wool Amherst baseball caps. Plus, the girl was wearing a sort of floppy green hat that I imagine Claude Monet would have liked for gardening. Plus, you know, me.), but not unbearable. It was nice to be around boys in this kind of setting. One was driving, and the other was sleeping, and so I got to enjoy their company without really having to talk to them very much.
Since I've been home I have had delicious red beans and rice, watched "Dollhouse" with my family, and run a 5k in a decent amount of time. These have all made me very happy and relaxed, and so this break is so far a success. Later I am going to try a new recipe for roast chicken, and then I am finally going to see Coraline. Break is great.

Ok...Go!

2009-03-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

I saw the posters for the OK GO concert a few weeks ago in the Campus Center and made a mental note of it. I had a vague idea of getting a ticket and going, but I didn't want to go by myself, and so I ended up forgetting about it. I thought that would be the end of it, but I had dinner with some girls from my hall tonight. It was Irish Night, which was fun, but it turns out that too much soda bread makes you feel incredibly sick for hours and hours. But that's another story. The girls were going to the concert, which turned out to be tonight, and they invited me to come with them.
We got there just as the first opening act was wrapping up. The second act was Longwave, and ok. Opening acts have the potential to be terrible, and these guys weren't. They weren't great either, all of their songs sounded the same, but I enjoyed them. The drummer looked a lot like Jason Schwartzman, so I was happy. The lead singer made me think of Roger from RENT, he seemed the way I imagine pre-HIV+ Roger, so kind of cocky and annoying.
OK GO was so good. I'm not super familiar with their music, but they were darn fun. They were also adorable, they were all wearing gray suits and looked like they were channeling the young Beatles. It might have been the best concert I've ever seen. They opened with a quiet, acoustic song and then just exploded into crazy fun loudness. I was right by the speaker and the noise was forcing my heart to beat in time to the music it was so loud. They joked and bantered, and played a lot of fast songs that are good to dance to. I read on Stuff White People Like that white people like to stand still at concerts, and so I made a point of dancing a whole lot to show how it doesn't apply to me. They fired the confetti cannon THREE times, and threw plastic tambourines into the audience like frisbees, and they played "Don't Ask Me" and "Here It Goes Again" back to back, so I got to sing and jump around a lot. They also played a song on handbells, which was super cool. They only played one really slow song, but it was so pretty I don't think anyone minded the break from jumping and yelling. I can't find it online, so I'm guessing it's on their new album. I had an awesome time. The girls I went with had a great time too. They're really funny, and very creative dancers. I don't know them very well, but I like them a whole lot, especially now that they invited me to this awesome show. It was a great night, I'm really happy.

History Voices

2009-03-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

We did a sort of reenactment of the Lateran Counsel today in The Makings of the Medieval World. I got to be future Pope, and friend of Francis Assi, Cardinal Ugolino. It was pretty fun, we wandered around the room, making allies and discussing our agendas. Everyone was taking it very seriously, and talking in their special pretentious historical voices, with trace amounts of accents. I thought this was hilarious, and so I talked like myself, but my really enthusiastic self ("Have you heard about Brother Francis? I can tell you know, he's going to be big, tell your friends." etc.) Weirdly enough, people didn't seem to appreciate this, but I had fun, and the professor didn't mind. Another girl from my hall is in my class, and she was taking the whole thing super seriously. She kept pulling people out of conversations to grill them about the alliances they were making, and what their position was on issues. I think she dubbed herself personal envoy to the Pope, and after the Pope gave her speech this girl made one too. It was funny, but kind of annoying too. She's nice, and she looks like a John William Waterhouse painting, but she was a little much today. Still and all, there's something very sweet about a roomful of girls pretending to be a bunch of Medieval leaders.

Aurora Bouvier

2009-03-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

While studying for my geology midterm, I came across a picture of the Northern Lights, and now I really really want to see them. They apparently happen from March to April, and I want to go to the arctic RIGHT NOW so I can see them.

Green Apples

2009-03-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

I had a kind of rough day. I woke up to sleety snow when I had gone to bed with beautiful spring weather. The series finale of The L Word aired last night, and so I looked for it online, but the video on youtube cut out the last ten minutes. Rather than leaving well enough alone, I searched around online, and got hit with wicked amounts of spyware. Tech services at Smith isn't supposed to help you if you didn't buy your computer through the school store, but the guy helped me anyway, which was incredibly wonderful of him. He fixed it, and so he is my hero.
The day wasn't completely bad, I even got my rainboots in the mail. They are very beautiful, and they have the additional benefit of being a standard issue item here at Smith. I like having original stuff, but there's a certain undeniable pleasure in having something that everyone else has, and everyone here has rainboots. Some people have practical forest green, some people have funky colors, but everyone has them. I opted for funky colors, my boots are covered with stained-glass style roses, like in Beauty and the Beast. Aside from the joys of conformity, rainboots are also darn practical, especially when it insists on snowing in March. I walked through slushy snow and mud without soaking my jeans, which is nothing short of amazing. My life will never be the same.
There was a really nice picture of Joshua Jackson in the Style section of the Sunday Times yesterday, and now it's on my wall. I bought the paper expecting to cut out a lot of pictures for my walls, but my Arts section was sadly crumpled. It was worth it though, I've really missed having a physical copy of the newspaper. Reading it online doesn't even come close.
I took a bunch of green apples from the dining hall at dinner tonight. They remind me of Geneseo, all of my friends love green apples. I don't actually, I prefer red, but greens tend to be less mealy, which is nice. They're sitting on my bookshelf, next to my ceramic bananas, and they look quite nice.

I Cannot Believe This

2009-03-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

I'm going to wear a bathing suit in front of a boy I like. My mind is boggling, I don't think I've done that since...possibly since I've liked a boy. It's fairly easy to avoid, but here I am. Gah. Thank goodness I've been running and doing yoga.

More Brain Issues

2009-03-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

Walking to the gym today it occurred to me that I always feel slightly guilty when I'm consciously happy at college. I think it's probably carry-over from last year. It's sort of screwed up, and it makes me wonder if I would make a good therapist afterall. I don't mind the guilt per se, that is, I don't blame anyone, but I can kind of see CWB's point about how we were too in each other's skin. I don't know, I think things were handled badly, but hindsight is 20/20. Now all I can do is try to be aware of this guilt and get over it because I know I deserve to be happy.
I'm in the middle of a Jude Law marathon. It started with Cold Mountain, and today I watched Closer. I love that movie, but it's sort of insane. It makes adult life seem deeply depressing, even the woman that gets to be with Clive Owen is miserable. I have I Heart Huckabees for later, and I'm kind of excited. I hated it the first time, but maybe I'll like it this time. I love Jason Schwartzman. But first, a shower.
I bought two posters today at the surplus store. My Chagall poster has decided it will never stick to the wall again, and so I gave up on it. I like these new posters, one of them is a man made of vegetables, like in the book The Three Golden Keys.

Meeting of the Minds

2009-03-06T06:49:00.000-08:00

I cannot make my unconscious mind bend to my will, and it's very frustrating. (This is a dream post, feel free to skim or skip it.) So in my dream I went to Geneseo on the PVTA bus for dinner. I was wandering around, and I heard someone shout my name. I couldn't see who it was, they were too far away, but you would think it would be one of my pals right? The person that ran up to me and gave me a big hug like a lost family member, they should be someone I at least like, right? Apparently not, because it was CWB. She ran up to me, and gave me a big hug, and I did one of those jumping up legs around their waist hugs, cuz in my dream I was straight thrilled to see her. (She collapsed under my weight though and we fell. OOOH! Symbolism!) But then Nicole showed up with this really cute guy that looked kind of like Elliot, but that she introduced as their friend from camp. He had gone to Harvard, but he said he liked to hang out at Geneseo and camp nowadays because it makes him happy. We all went back to Nicole's room, and we were watching tv, and I asked where Dana was. They told me she was at a wake for a counselor and two campers that had been killed in a rock slide at Weona, and then complained that their deaths had caused camp to be closed for the weekend. Either Nicole or the new boy pointed out that the staff person that had died was just the arts and crafts director, and that they could replace them without any problem (it wasn't Mari, it was the arts director from a few years ago). Dana showed up after a while, and I couldn't see her face, but I hugged her around the legs (I was sitting on the floor and she was standing.)
The rest of the dream is sort of unnecessary, but the annoying thing was the CWB part. I woke up wishing things were different between us, and I know that if I saw her I would probably react pretty positively because it would be instinct. That isn't what I want though, everyone has a line, and we are so far past the line, there really isn't any going back. When I talked to Paul about it (not at length because that would be inappropriate, but just so he'd quit asking) he was shocked we weren't friends anymore, he said we had been like sisters. He always was a diplomat. Dreams always make me miss people, but that's because they don't accurately portray people. I wish people were still in my life, but if things had stayed good they still would be. That's cold comfort though, and I know I'm going to spend the rest of the day missing my friend.

Confused Thinking

2009-03-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

We're studying eating disorders in Child Clinical Psych. It's depressing, but I know a lot of it already because it's been so covered in Health, Abnormal, Child Development and Adolescent Development. It makes me feel very conflicted, because the pictures of women with anorexia are gross, but they make me feel very fat. I know I've been more aware of what I eat since we've been on this section. Smith women come in all shapes and sizes, but apparently there's an issue with women here exercising too much. And not in a women-can't-run-marathons-because-their-uteruses-will-fall-out way, in an unhealthy, compulsive exercising way. What I think is interesting though, is that you are allowed to swipe your card into multiple dining halls for every meal. (When every meal costs $11 they had better make a lot of food available I guess.) I had a professor at Geneseo describe how people with bulimia would go to all the dining halls because they could binge and no one would know how much they had eaten. I wonder if that's a problem here. We had a guest lecturer in class today (Lauren Greenfield), and she said 1/7 women have eating disorders at some point. I know...two former bulimics off the top of my head, one girl that has had issues with anorexia, there are probably more that aren't as upfront about their illnesses, but still. It's shocking.
Anyway, I feel bad though, because I'm seeing JA this weekend, and my first instinct when he told me he was going to be in town was "I wish I had had more notice, I would've eaten less this week." And worked out more. Also my knees are all scabby, and I'm kind of broken out, but the food thing was the first thing that occured to me. "Now I need to get to the gym tonight and work off my dinner." That's so not the way I should think. I'm excited to see him though. He said he would take Flora for break, which is a great weight off my mind. I'm glad he's coming, I had sort of given up on him.

Thinking

2009-03-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

I wonder if it would be possible to somehow do The Rescue of Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers AND go to Alumni weekend. According to Facebook Geni is going to do it, but she has the advantage of living in Geneseo. I would have to get to Geneseo, get to Syracuse, get back to Geneseo, and then get back to Northampton, all in a three day period. I'm not sure it's possible. Honestly, I'm not positive it's worth it, I would be on the bus for about sixteen hours each way. Still, I'm curious about whether it can be done. Once I know that, I can decide if it should be done.

Belonging

2009-03-03T18:55:00.001-08:00

I don't belong anywhere. Geneseo didn't feel right, but I had friends there, and now I don't even belong there with them anymore. I don't know how to fit in, I don't know how to break barriers and develop real friendships. I know I'm in the right place intellectually, but I'm not connecting with anyone. We had a game night in Wilson tonight, and I went because I love games, and I was hoping to meet other game-lovers. Apples to Apples is a lot of fun, but all of my interactions with people are pretty superficial. The girls are all so affectionate with each other, and it makes me very aware of the face that the only physical contact I've had for ages has been my yoga instructor helping me get into a pose. I want a friend, but I don't know how to get one. I pretty much figured you find one when you find one, like a boyfriend. If that's the case though, I could go the rest of my college career without making a real friend. I don't know how to be proactive about this, I've been trying, but it isn't working. My natural awkwardness isn't helping. I pretty much need someone to decide to befriend me, cuz I'm shy until I'm approached. I had a huge giant conversation with this one girl from my hall because she sat with me at dinner and I hadn't talked to anyone all day so my words were all pent up. I don't think I'm going to get a friend group like the one I had at Geneseo, I wouldn't have been able to build one like that without coming in with a couple of friends. It sucks that I can't go visit, but I think I would be pretty gutted if I went back and they had turned my spot in the group into a sewing room or something. It's probably better to not go back.

I Love My Job

2009-03-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

I got to make sushi today at work. It was messy, and I wasn't very good at it, but darned if I didn't have fun. We even had a guest chef in the kitchen, and he was all decked out in chef clothes. I didn't eat at Wilder, I don't like sushi, but I like it when I get to work with food for my whole shift. Sometimes they run out of jobs for me and I have to wash dishes or scrub pots, but we were mad busy today. I haven't gotten paid in a while, but sushi making was very fun anyway.
I have a ride home for spring break, which is very exciting. I'm a little worried about the long drive with a former high school classmate, but I'm sure it will work out. He's was nice enough then, and he's giving me a ride, so I'm not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. Now I just need to find someone to take the lovely and easy-to-care-for Flora, and I'll be all set.

Musing

2009-03-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

All I've had to eat today was pb&j and pizza. That, plus my skinned knees and having a snow day today makes me feel like a third grader. Except I voluntarily took a nap today, which no self-respecting third grader would ever do.

Safe

2009-03-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

Another sophomore at Geneseo died over the weekend, that's two this year. I'm not sure how he died, but someone said something about pledging, so I'm guessing it was alcohol-related. I want to wrap all my friends in bubble wrap, or stick them in tupperware, people are so fragile. This guy was Clarence's roommate last year, that's too close to my network for comfort. I have a vague memory of going to Clarence's room and seeing this boy playing a video game with his girlfriend. Even if Clarence didn't like him and they fought about hot sauce and condoms, it's still so sad that he's dead. I didn't know the girl that died in the fall at all, but this person had connections to my life. He lived with my good friend, and he was good friends with my friend Marie. And this holds up another upsetting mirror to the world I want to treat as normal. So many of my friends engage in risky drinking behavior. I don't think about it as being dangerous most of the time, but it is. And in two weeks they'll be binge drinking on Spring Break, the two for one deal. I don't want anything to happen to them. Losing two people from a year is a lot, Geneseo isn't that big. I just want people to be safe. It's so easy for bad things to happen. Most of my close friends are pretty careful, but just going running outside with your iPod on, or going out to a party can kill you. That's really scary.

Mystery Girl

2009-03-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

There's a girl in my hall that I am sort of curious about. I've never seen her outside of Wilson, and I've never seen her dressed in anything but the same pair of Eeore pajamas. She doesn't speak, and I don't know her name. When I see her at meals she is eating by herself, and she is usually eating the same thing, four or five plain English muffins. She lives on my floor, so she must be a first year, but she doesn't seem like the other first years. She's sort of unkempt looking, maybe because I've never seen her in real clothes, but she doesn't seem like she belongs in college. There's a seventeen year old sophomore on the rugby team that seems older than this girl. (Honestly, seventeen. She looks like Neville Longbottom too, which I don't mean in a bad way as much as a descriptive way. I'm not saying she's unattractive, because that isn't it. She's just very butch, but in the way that makes her look like an adolescent boy. (Please no one yell at me for trying to be descriptive. I don't really get the whole butch thing. I know it isn't trying to be like a man, but I don't know what to make of her.) She's nice, I like her, but she makes me feel very dumb and old. I'm twenty and a sophomore. I'm three years older than her! She was sixteen when she started at college!) But back to this girl in my hall. My interest in her doesn't extend to wanting to talk to her, but I think she's interesting in her own weird way. Even Meg, the astonishingly friendly House President doesn't talk to her, which makes me wonder if she even exists. Meg is so friendly I can't imagine her not talking to this Eeore girl if she could see her. Maybe I've just gone round the twist. Probably not.
Sidenote: Did anyone ever see that old show "Round the Twist"? I thought it was Canadian, but a quick Google showed that it was actually Australian. Not to be all erratic in my thought processes, but the expression made me think of it. I don't actually think I'm imagining this girl, I think she's probably just a little socially neglected because she's so quiet and sort of greasy looking. Maybe I'll talk to her.

Truth

2009-03-01T18:14:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about it, and either girls are big liars, or I'm abnormally mean. A few weeks ago when I still hung out with the transfers, Olga asked us to go around and say what our first impressions of each other had been. That's dangerous territory to begin with, it's either blatant compliment fishing, or it's looking for an excuse to say something catty. I bowed out, claiming I don't remember first impressions once I get to know people. It's only a partial lie, I only remember first impressions when they're dramatic, and usually only with men. (I remember meeting Marco because he's stunning and said he would take care of me at my first rugby party, I remember meeting Chase because...well...grandparents read this blog, but Chase is a Character, and my first impression was memorable. There's one former rugger (driven from the pitch by his ex-girlfriend who he can't stand to be within 69m x 100m of), who is perfectly nice, but who made such a terrible first impression on me that I could never look at him without feeling sort of disgusted and pitying. He taught me to never ever ever do a haircut though, for which I am grateful.)
So I didn't play the Say-Nice-Things-Or-Indulge-In-Cattiness game. I didn't really think about any of the girls that were playing when I first met them anyway. They all went around though, and they went the nice route, though it was pretty evident that they hadn't really given me a lot of thought either. That isn't my point though. When a girl is asked to describe another girl one of the first things she says is that she's pretty or cute, or something to that effect. I do it too, I've been called on it before, because it's so common it isn't actually helpful in giving a mental image. If you don't think someone is pretty though, and you say it, you sound awful. You seem super mean, and people assume you have some deep problem with this person, when that isn't necessarily the case. (I don't do this, I cave to social norms and just say everyone is pretty. It doesn't hurt me in any way, and for that matter I don't typically describe particularly unattractive people.) I'm not railing against the system here, because I understand why people have to be nice in order to be able to live together. What I don't understand is why people pretend to want to hear the truth when they clearly don't. Even then, when I thought I might want to be friends with these girls, had I told the truth about them I would've been out on my ear before you could say knife. So am I just mean? I don't say these things out loud, but do other people notice when someone's body spray, or hair gel or whatever it is smells so strong you know they've been in a room even hours later? Or when someone is smoking and maybe coincidentally, maybe not, also always upwind? I'm happy to look past these things, but I still notice them. I notice nice things too, but because almost everyone puts on the nice front I can't tell if I'm abnormally bitchy. But that doesn't mean I want you to tell me if I am.

Waiting

2009-02-28T15:58:00.000-08:00

So the rugby clinic was really fun. The trainer really knew her stuff, and it was nice to work out with the team a little. I fell and skinned my knees (Who plays rugby on a tennis court? As if the squash courts weren't bad enough.) but I was very tough about it. It's sort of awful looking, but not too painful.
For those of you that didn't know, I love the movie Cold Mountain. I think it's incredibly romantic, and it's historical, and full of Old South charm and Jack White playing the mandolin. It also makes me think that it's possible for people that didn't know each other very well to be loyal to each other through a long separation. The characters in this movie barely even spoke before Jude Law went to fight in the Civil War, but they thought about each other all the time, and he walked across the South with a hole in his neck to get to her. My situation isn't really comparable, obviously times have changed since the fictionalized-for-a-romantic-drama-movie-Civil-War, but the movie makes me think it's a possibility. They didn't even correspond very much, he only got two letters from her, and she didn't hear from him at all. True, it's easier to keep in touch these days, but I can ignore that when it gets in the way of the fantasy. I can't have a real relationship right now anyway, I'm going to Utah this summer, I live in NoHo most of the time, and Buffalo the rest, there's no home base where this boy could live and see me with enough regularity that I wouldn't over-analyze and ruin things. It's nice to have this idea of a boy though. I think the women's college experience would be a lot harder if I didn't have even the possibility that there was a boy waiting. In any event, I need to do homework so I can go watch this movie, cuz now it's on my mind.

Done

2009-02-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

I don't think it's worth confrontation, but I don't want to see Ruth or Olga anymore. They aren't even remotely socially rewarding to spend time with, I would rather be alone than be with them. This is going to mean changing my schedule a little bit, but not in any way that will ruin my quality of life, or even effect me very much at all. I'll just eat Saturday brunch in Kings, and Tuesday and Thursday breakfast in Cushing, and I'll be in the clear. I don't even know why they sit with me, they don't like me. They don't talk to me, they don't wait until I'm done eating to leave, it's very annoying, because all they really do is sit at my table and make me feel unwelcome. I don't think I'll ever have to deal with them again after this semester though, so that's good. They're staying in the Quad, and I'm really hoping for Green or Elm Street.
Aside from unwanted social contact though, brunch was good. I had TWO bowls of oatmeal, it was glorious.

Surprise!

2009-02-27T11:07:00.000-08:00

I couldn't think of a good lolcat for a possum, I'm very disappointed in myself. I saw one by the Campus Center last night, it was nuts. I don't know if I had ever seen a live possum before.

Anything Popping?

2009-02-26T17:09:00.000-08:00

I almost couldn't sleep last night, my brain was going a mile a minute. I might have to put IC on the back burner for this semester. I want to talk to my HP about getting some interest, at least in The Rescue, and go from there. I talked to a girl that takes Swahili, she said it's easy, and she offered to sell me her textbook and tutor me.
I won't bore you all by posting every time I have an amazing yoga class, but I had a great one today. It was harder than Tuesday, but I loved it. I didn't call Lindsey, but she was there, along with her roommate and her roommate's sister. They were really nice, but it isn't crucial that you go with a friend. I don't think about anyone else when I'm doing yoga, it's very peaceful. We got sandwiches after class, but in a to-go sort of way, I ate mine in the library. It was delicious too, and it came with a nice spicy pickle.
I had a really nice day, but I'm so glad it's the weekend. I have a project due Monday, and some...other...work? Probably. There's a rugby clinic on Saturday, but that's pretty much it as far as plans go. I'd like to do some more rugby socializing, but I'm fine taking it as it comes. I think we'll probably at least get dinner after the clinic.
Things are good right now. I was going to go to the gym, but I think I'll go home instead. I want to go to yoga tomorrow morning, so I think I'll just shower and hydrate tonight. I'm glad I'm at Smith.

Boys Are Buttheads

2009-02-25T18:38:00.000-08:00

The stupid jerk rugby men have changed the date for Alumni Weekend so now it conflicts with The Rescue of Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers. If I was in Geneseo I would totally yell at them. They also have it conflicting with Relay For Life, I don't know what they're thinking. I can't miss The Rescue, but I really really want to go to Alumni. It's sort of funny, because part of the reason I want to go is to see the boys, but I'm furious with them. I don't like them as much now that I'm not at Geneseo, I was looking at some pictures of the team on Facebook and they seem really gross and stupid. I want to see the girls' team though, and maybe get some time with JA if that's still going on in the spring. Stupid men's rugby ruins everything.
In other news, I've decided to take Swahili as my language. It makes sense, I want to go to Africa if I do the Peace Corp., and if I have some French and Swahili that's presumably where they'd send me. They offer it as U Mass, so I think I'll do that next year. It's part of my master plan to develop a bunch of unmarketable skills and be homeless. I was talking to my friend Erica earlier tonight, and she has a similar plan. She keeps changing majors, everything sparks her interest and enthusiasm, it's amazing. I love psych, but I'm not ready to commit. It's like marrying your high school sweetheart, I'm just starting my life, I want to do as much as possible.

Fasting

2009-02-25T15:13:00.000-08:00

I'm someone that loves to eat, I don't mind admitting it. I enjoy food. The food at Smith is pretty good too, and I've gotten into an eating schedule that seems to work. I have energy to do my work and exercise, I eat dinner early because it's better for you, it's a good routine. Fasting today was not fun. I was ok for the morning, even though I'm big into breakfast. I figured I would just sleep late, so that worked out in my favor actually. Everything was fine until I went to Mass to get my ashes. A communion wafer is probably like one calorie, but it was enough to make my stomach growl all through Geology. It was sort of embarrassing, even if I don't know that anyone could hear it. The dinner options weren't great tonight, so I decided to just eat in my house because it was easiest. Breakfast for dinner is a lot less fun when you can't have the hot cross buns or chocolate chip pancakes, but I was really happy to eat anything. And now I'm full, so that's good. So here's my question: Should I consider peanut butter and jelly a sweet? I sometimes have a half a pb&j on white bread for dessert (don't judge), and it's certainly sweet. I didn't have one today, I'm still deliberating on whether it counts or not. I'm really glad there's so much fruit here, hopefully I'll get used to the whole fruit-as-dessert thing.

Friend Crush

2009-02-24T17:40:00.000-08:00

Picture a white rabbit with a pierced eyebrow and blue eyes (and pretty, she's pretty, just sort of lapine looking.) and that's Lindsey. She is pretty much awesome, and I want to be her friend like whoa. We went to hot room yoga tonight (Not Bikram though, it's just yoga in a warm room. I loved it, it's better than Bikram.), and she's on rugby, and she wants to join the CIA after college, and she's awesome. I haven't felt this interested in anyone since I've been at Smith, I actually am really curious about her, and I could see her being a good friend. We might be yoga pals, we both really love the class. That would be great, cuz then we'd have that background before the season even started. She's going abroad next year (all year. boo.), but there's the whole semester still, which is nothing to sneeze at. I'm really hopeful this is going to be an actual friendship. I'm worried that I'm going to mess this up, I respond to almost everything she says with "That's great!" or, "That's so cool!", which sounds sort of insincere, but is actually not. Everything she said at dinner was actually cool and great, except for her stories about her pets dying (I responded appropriately to those stories though.).
Yoga was amazing. I bought a week's worth of classes, and I fully intend to buy more, cuz it is so bomb awesome. The instructor is great, he walks around the room during the class and helps you with the poses. This caused me to fall on my head at one point, but he took me by surprise, I'll be ready for it next time. I was sort of embarrassed at first, because I was the least dressed person in the room in my shorts and sports bra, but I got over it right away. It's hot in there, I don't get how people were comfortable in long yoga pants. I want to go back tomorrow, but I can't. I'll be there Thursday though. I don't know if it's easier than Bikram, but it is very very rewarding.

Four

2009-02-23T18:24:00.000-08:00

So I posted before that four people said they would come to my meeting, and I was super happy with that number. Three people ended up coming, but with me that makes four. It's a start. Four people can change the world. There were four Beatles, there were only three original film makers that started the Invisible Children movement, four is nothing to sneeze at. I was sort of frustrated that so many people flaked out, but maybe they'll come next time. I honestly don't think anyone could possibly know about the child soldiers and atrocities committed by the LRA and not care. It's just a matter of educating people.
I was sort of sad after the meeting, we watched the movie and it made me cry, even though I had seen it before, so I went to the gym. I think I've turned some sort of corner, running made me feel better. I was actually comforted by running, by the time I got off the treadmill I felt like I had jumped the first hurdle, I had the interest meeting, and people showed up, and that is something to be proud of. I missed going to the gym last week, it makes life better. I'm going to yoga tomorrow, which is exciting. Exercise makes things seem more possible, I'm not sure why.

Yoga

2009-02-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

One of the ruggers told me they have Bikram Yoga in Northampton (I shouldn't be surprised, but I couldn't find it before when I Googled it.) and so I just made myself a big Master Schedule to see when I can go, and how many classes I should sign up for. According to my figurings, I can go three times a week once rugby starts, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I could go twice on Friday, second classes in the same day are free, but I still have practice, and so that would be three hours of yoga and then two of rugby all in one day. Then again, I don't know if I'll be able to go on Saturdays once games and tournaments start. They have a seven day package that is very tempting for before rugby starts, $20 for as many classes as you can take in seven consecutive days. I think I'll try that, and then go from there. I'm excited about this, I love hot yoga. It's good for you too, and I bet it would help with training. Maybe I'll be able to go with Lindsey (the rugger), that would be nice. She has a lot of potential for friendship, I like her a lot. She's going to Russia next year, but for the time being...I want a rugby buddy.
I was going to go to the gym today, I've been very lazy this past week, but I changed my mind. It's snowing really hard, I don't want to leave my house before I absolutely have to. If the weather was less gross I would walk over to the yoga studio and go before work. Instead I'm holing up in my room and doing homework until tea. The snow is so wet I can hear it falling.

Party

2009-02-22T09:27:00.000-08:00

I went to my first Smith party last night. I had pretty low expectations, but it was pretty fun. There was a long line, I waited outside in the cold for forty minutes, but it wasn't too bad. I went with a rugby girl from my house. She's nice enough, and I was really appreciative of her letting me tag along with her. There weren't very many boys, and they weren't very cute, but I danced with some rugby girls. I wanted to dance with a boy, and one finally came over towards the end of the night. He had already made out with another girl from the team, and he was dripping sweat. It was gross, he got his sweat all on me. I danced with him anyway, but it wasn't that nice. The nicer part of the evening was when the party ended and we went back to this girl's apartment. We hung out for a couple of hours, and it was very chill and nice. It was what I wanted from rugby, I don't need amazing exciting goings on, I just like having people to talk to and hang out with. They dubbed me "Geneseo", which isn't that creative a nickname, but I don't mind it. My especial favorite girl was the one that had made out with the boy I danced with. She's very fierce and sort of intimidating, but so so nice. She said I could call her whenever I want and we can hang out, even if it's just sitting together while we do homework. AND she likes men, so she said we would find men's rugby to watch sometime. It was very nice.

Thin and Girl Culture

2009-02-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't feel ready to do my homework, so I decided to go see the rest of the "Thin and Girl Culture" exhibit at SCMA. I had seen some of it before, but only for a few minutes, as I had shown up right before they closed. It didn't bother me that much then, but I could hardly stand it today. I had to stop reading the stories next to the photographs, I was worried about throwing up. It was really awful, I was sweating I was so agitated. I didn't want to leave though, I felt very strongly about sticking through and seeing everything there. My professor told us to go to the exhibit, but she said she would understand if we couldn't for personal reasons, as the images are very disturbing. I don't like being That Girl though, the one that couldn't take it. I was one time, I excused myself from class in...seventh? eighth grade? when we were supposed to watch Schindler's List, and I've always felt a little embarrassed about it. So I forced myself to look at every picture.
There were a lot of upsetting ones, but the ones that sort of struck me were the spring break pictures. They were from Panama City in Florida, and that's where Geneseo people do spring break. I've seen pictures just like those, except on Facebook, not in an exhibit with a big unspoken BAD sign. The boys look like normal boys that I could know, like they could be in Sammy's...or on rugby. It freaked me out. I don't approve of the whole Spring Break culture, I think it's gross. People go away and are drunk for a straight week, and then come home with bronchitus and infect the whole campus. I didn't really think it was BAD though, just stupid. I don't think of those guys that I know, the doubles for the men in the photographs, as BAD and objectifying of women, just sort of doofy and not always nice. The boy in the picture in the dark shorts looks so much like Marco, even if it isn't him.
I wish I was at winter 7s today, instead of going to that stupid exhibit. I would much rather spend a day playing rugby with my wonderful ruggers, and then go to the Geneseo Invisible Children Displace Me than see pictures of sick women that hate themselves and go to a stupid party at Jordan House by myself.
I really resent the Smith rugby team for not being as nice as the Geneseo team. I don't care about winning, the Smith team is great techniquely, but I was really hoping they would be a source for friends and so far they aren't. They all hang out, they're a very bonded team, but that doesn't do me any good as long as they don't invite me. I wish I had a rookie class.
That stupid exhibit has really put me out of sorts.