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Crew starts tomorrow. I think I've been waiting for it to start all semester. We're about three weeks in, but I feel like the semester is about to really start now. I'm going to have a solid schedule, and a very early bedtime, and I'll hopefully feel like a real crewbie. I won't lie and say I'm not nervous, but I'm also incredibly excited.
I like to take Sundays to get centered for the upcoming week. I usually try to do laundry, or clean up my room a little, and it's the only day of the week that I completely make up my bed with all of my throw pillows. During my tidying today I noticed that my hair brush had some sort of unknown substance between the bristles. Upon further investigation I realized that it was honey. I've been brushing my hair with a honey brush for weeks. Honey never goes bad, but it's still a little strange. You may ask "how did you get honey in your brush?", but I'll never tell.

Within the Ordinary

People are messy. It's just the way we are designed. People make mistakes, and wreck relationships, and generally screw things up. I've done it, but so has everyone, and I don't think I do it more often than average. I sometimes forget that, and feel like an abnormally bad person, but that's ridiculous. Sometimes these things are our fault, but they aren't always. Sometimes it's just a matter of time and distance. I'm not some kind of bad friend mutant.
The crew coach is having all of the juniors over to her house for dinner tonight. I'm really really excited. I love the crew team. I don't know most of the rowers very well yet, but I'm optimistic. I had a really bad week, but things look bright for the future. This weekend is going to be good. I feel ok about my Res Life interview that I had this morning. I love my job, and I am ok with going to nursing school. Or PA school. I've decided that I'm going to have a great life, and whatever pitfalls I may encounter are not going to stop me. It sucks to lose friends, but I'm going to do my best to keep the ones I have, make new ones whenever I can, and not regret the ones who are gone. I think that's the best way to handle things. I haven't had very many/any serious romantic relationships, and so my closest approximations to a broken heart have been lost friends. It takes time to get over a failed relationship, but knowing it happens to everyone softens the blow.

Shrinking

When you don't eat very much your stomach eventually shrinks. I think the same principle applies to love. It's nothing to freak out about, because once you start eating again your stomach stretches out again, and I think once you start loving again you develop a higher capacity for that too. Right now, I am coming off of a love famine. I adore my family. I think they're my only readers, so I'm trying to be sensitive to their feelings, but I haven't had very many friends lately, and so I haven't had enough love. Because sometimes the phone and email aren't enough, and you need to be able to be with people in the flesh. But I love my family, and I know they love me, and I don't want anyone to feel bad. Especially because I am chockerblock full of love right now. It isn't very deep, and I'm not jumping any guns, but I love the crew team. Suddenly I have people. People that cheer me on, and pat my arm, and not only that, but I'm suddenly better at approaching people. I'm moving out of my shell. It feels nice. It feels so nice in fact, that I've lost interest in dating. I am full up of love. Or, since that seems premature, I'm like a person standing on front of an all you can eat buffet, and there's a bakery next door, but I'm pretty focused on what's in front of me. I'm focusing on friends right now. Dating is great for other people, but I just want to build some relationships. I went out with this guy a couple of times, and he was great on paper, but I wasn't feeling it. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm full up right now. Maybe later I'll be ready for that, but right now things are good. I'm not scared. This guy actually liked me. Me, Caroline. He thought I was cute, but he also liked my personality. He wanted a second and third date. Just having that knowledge is enough for me right now. Down the line, when I want to date, I know I'm not un-dateable. Right now though, I just want to chill with the crew team and get close to my existing friends. I'm not lonely. Let that sink in, because it keeps surprising me, and don't worry. I'll date later.

Life

I watched the entire fifth season of Grey's Anatomy this weekend. I have a headache from it. At the same time though, I kept watching because I want to work in medicine, and this is my only opportunity to feel close to it. Real life isn't like tv obviously, but I want to work in medicine so much, and I can't. At least not right now, and not for a few years at least. The thing is, I wouldn't have figured out that I wanted to be a midwife if I hadn't gone to Smith. I wanted to be a therapist when I was at Geneseo, and I'm not sure I won't want to do that later, after I've midwifed around for a few years, but I don't want to do that right away. Everything I've experienced has brought me here, and I'm glad. I like it here. My life plan just got more complicated, and I'm a little worried that people will be mad at me, but I am where I am now, and I wouldn't have known how to get here three years ago, or even a year ago, and there's no point in changing horses second semester junior year. I had to come to Smith so I would know I wanted to be a midwife, and row crew, and just be this Caroline in 2010. I don't regret it, and I really think things are going to be ok, but I am sorry if people get mad.