Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I am very lucky to have a nice best friend. We've been best friends for years, and even though she may have other best friends, she's still my best friend, which is what matters. She's her own person, she can do what she wants, but she is still my best friend, even if I'm one of many with her. The thing is though, that as part of my best friend duties, I have to find my way out to Oberlin, Ohio this June, and I have some very mixed, worried feelings about that. Because while I adore my friend, let's call her...Kiva, she has the unfortunate habit of staying close with people after it has become impossible for me to remain friends with them. (I mean this in an ironic sort of way, as it's my fault and she obviously shouldn't be held responsible for my being impossible and oversensitive, and whatever else it is about me that causes these problems.) This isn't usually an issue, but I have to assume that some of these people are also going to head out to the Midwest to help our mutual friend celebrate her 21st. And that sort of scares me. I'm happier than I used to be, and I'm different, and I hope nicer, and more mature, but that doesn't mean I want to face certain people. I've already had the whole breakthrough where I realized that I am not a monster, and I might or might not have been wrong to end some friendships, but there was hurting on both sides, and I didn't do it without just cause. I don't want to see these people. Pretty much ever again. I occasionally relapse and think it would be nicer to be friends than not, but that isn't actually the case. I'm better off this way. The thing is, I can't ask Kiva about the guest list for her birthday, because...well, I did that once in middle school, with the understanding that I couldn't attend if someone else was going to be there, and she still brings it up sometimes. If it was a party in Buffalo, with all kinds of awesome escape routes, I would be all over it. Oberlin is REALLY far away though, and most people aren't up for that kind of a trip unless they're at least staying the night. Just thinking about it, months in advance is providing me with enough anxiety that I'm blogging and not doing Swahili homework, and even though I'm easily distracted, I really am worried about this. I want to do the right thing, but I'm not really sure what that is. Maybe it's removing myself from the birthday party scenario. The not wanting to see people is probably mutual, and I don't want to distract from birthday thunder. At the same time though, I want to do right by my best friend, as she is one of the only friends I have who is reliable and actually loves me.
On a happier note, I made a Chris Pureka Pandora station and it is crazy awesome. It's bringing up all kinds of folky, indie, sort of whiney female vocalists, and everyone knows how much I like those.

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