J-Term

I'm not very good at J-term. It's very boring, and I've been hiding from the crew team because I'm shy and scared about how out of shape I am. I'm terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so I'm messing up by omission. I ran into a couple of girls from the team yesterday, and they invited me to play basketball with them. I was really tired and headachey, but also terrified because I'm terrible at basketball, and I said no. I should have said yes. It's stupid, but I'm also really shy about working out wearing glasses, and I can't wear my contacts yet. I just feel so self-conscious, and it's very tedious. I just want to fast forward to spring break because then I'll know the crew team.
Next year I'm going to stay in Buffalo and work. I like being at Smith, and Lord knows Flora loves it, but I'm bored. And lonely. I'm invited to a party on Saturday, and I don't even like parties, but I'm going to go anyway. It's a rugby party, not a crew party, but I need some human contact. I'm really kicking myself for not hanging out with the crew team yesterday. I'm just freaking myself out because everyone always says you should be yourself, and so I was myself with the rugby team and that got me nowhere. I wasn't even my ornery self, I was just my normal self, but that wasn't something people liked. The crew girls seem like they want to like me at least, but I need to start extending myself.

Three Minutes to Go

I don't think I want to go out and do Primal Scream. I liked it last year, but I don't think I want to do it tonight. I'm almost done with finals. I could've used a scream last Sunday, but now? I'm all out of tension. It's all I can do to maintain enough tension to study for my final tomorrow.
AND it's 10:00. AND I'm...going out.

Self-Control

I lack self-control. I pretty much do what I want, and so I have stopped putting myself in situations where this could possibly be a problem. I don't usually want bad things, but sometimes blindly following my desires is impractical. I'm working on being more responsible about going after what I want by giving myself little self-control tests. Finals make the challenge even more real, because I can't just do what I want. I can't just watch the whole first season of "Being Erica" online just because it's available on Hulu. I can't sleep the day away. I have to focus.

Finals

I was in the library today, when I noticed that the girl next to me was slumped over, face-down at her computer. The computers are communal, and it can sometimes be really hard to find an open one when you need to print something, and so it seemed like a strange place for a nap. I felt a little awkward, because no one else seemed phased by this behavior, but it was out of place, and I sort of wondered if she was bleeding into her brain or something. It would be selfish to nap at a computer because then no one else could use it while you were sleeping and so otherwise occupied, and while Smithies can be very rude, this seemed a little over the top. I decided the behavior that was called for was the same for whether she was dying or rude, and I was just about to poke her when she sat up. I was a little disappointed actually, especially when she just stretched and then went back to sleep, still at the computer.
We presented our Learning & Behavior Change projects today. I was the only one who really put effort into my graph, most of them were done on notebook paper that still had the fringey scraps on the one side. It didn't matter though, as I have loved the class, and I was happy to put that work in. I think Dave might be my favorite ever college professor. He's funny, and wise, and he makes the material interesting, and he classically conditioned me to salivate at the thought of his class, and he said he would loan me a Skinner Box so I could train Flora. He's such a great guy, and today at the end of class he gave a little speech about how we don't need to worry so much and be so hard on ourselves because it's more important that we try to be happy. He didn't have a real job until he was 40, until he came to Smith, but he did have a lot of adventures. He also had the bare minimum GPA to get into grad school, but he had a great time in college and was very involved in Outing Club, and dating, and just living life. And it all still worked out. He says that his children and his chickens and his blueberries all make him so much happier than getting papers published, and we shouldn't lose sight of what we enjoy about life while we are pursuing our goals. It even looked for a moment like he was going to let us off without a final, but he won't. He is a great man, but he's also a great professor, and he while he wants us to take more than just the course material from his class, he does want to see if we've learned anything this semester. I never want to not be in his class again, but he's only teaching stats next semester, and I've already taken that. I got really lucky this semester though. It was like a perfect storm. I hate finals (obviously), but I feel pretty good. I want to study, because I want to show Palmer how much I enjoyed his class by getting an A. Also by giving him peppermint bark. I got so lucky with my professors this semester, it only seems right that I would give them a small token of appreciation.
And now back to the grindstone. It's much too cold to leave my house, but I'm going to study in my room until the wee hours of the morning because I can sleep in tomorrow.
Sidenote: These things are not mutually exclusive, but it sometimes seems like they are, so for the record, I would rather be weird than boring, adventerous than safe, and nice than smart. I case you were wondering.

I'm totes switching to Bank of Amer before I go to Chicag

It's sort of good to be back at Smith. Flora is pleased at least, as soon as I put her in her home crate she started eating like she had been starved. So the hunger strike is over I guess.
I had an awkward conversation with my rugger-housemate last night. I think she probably was trying to convince me not to quit, but all she did was reinforce that I'm making the right decision. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think "It's true that you don't play A-side, and everyone on Board is mad at you, and the team just isn't a good fit for you, but...you shouldn't quit..." is a very convincing argument. I know the team doesn't like me, I didn't need her to come to my room and keep me from my homework so she could tell me. It's sort of hard for me to believe that she was actually trying to convince me to stay, it sounded an awful lot like an argument to make me quit.In either case, I'm going to talk to the crew coach today to figure out some logistics.
I love my Learning & Behavior Change professor. I've loved him all along, but today he told us that since we only have two weeks of classes left he's going to classically condition us like Pavlov's dogs. We're going to get warheads candies at the start of every class to see if we'll start salivating when we hear a wrapper crinkling. I don't ever want to not be in his class again, I don't care what he's teaching.
So it turns out I was mistaken, and I won't be ready to leave by the 14th. The 14th is the kickoff of exam week. It's a slight bummer, but I think I'll live. Three weeks isn't a very long time. I can do this standing on my head. I'm going to finish up my Nutrition project tonight, and start catching up on some psych reading. I'm just taking things as they come.
I wish it would snow...

Sunday

I have a new goal. I was reading the Times this morning (I read the better part of it and not just the Style section, so it took AGES) and I saw an article about children on Broadway. This of course made me think of Camp Broadway and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love running the Turkey Trot, but I also love the parade, and since they happen at the same time I miss stuff. So my new goal is to run the race really fast to maximize the amount of the parade I get to see. I strongly suspect that either Tayler Swift or the cast of "Glee" will be in it this year and I don't want to miss that. This means I need to get fast. I've been better about working out lately, but I bet I can push myself harder. Erg club will help. I think I'll call my friend Lindsay about working out too, it's way easier to push yourself when your gym buddy is training for a marathon and has perfect six-pack abs.
Rugby banquet is in a week. I made my Little Sibs' vessels last night. They look ok. Pretty good considering my lack of arts and crafts skills. I think I'll put baggies of sugar cereal in them before I present them to my Littles. I know H. likes Lucky Charms so much that she mentioned her fondness on facebook. I don't know what T. likes, but she's pretty easy-going and responds to any friendly gesture with almost painful enthusiasm.

Nutrition & Health

I don't really read the fine print. Or, in some cases, the normal-sized print, since I thought Nutrition & Health was a two-credit class, when it is in fact four. I would think to myself "Wow, this is a lot of work for two measly credits.", but no, it's a real class. I'm doing well, it isn't an issue of grades, but it was a surprise and it made me feel silly when a classmate pointed out my mistake.
As our big project for the semester we're analyzing our diets. It's kind of fun, and I usually write down what I eat anyway, but it makes me kind of self-conscious to think about my professor reading everything I eat. I love sugar very much, and Smith only enables this love, so my diet is not always so healthy. Plus, I grew up in a family of secret eaters, and so I'm sort of uncomfortable with the idea of anyone knowing what and how much I eat. The obvious solution is to just lie, but that's stupid and defeats the purpose of the project. We enter all of our foods into this website and it analyzes it and tells us if we need to eat more or less of something. I don't know if people know this about me, but I am a milk fiend. Sugar and I have an open relationship so that it can include milk. I drink more milk than anyone I know, and yet I am apparently not getting enough dairy. The idea of drinking more milk makes my stomach hurt. I love dairy, but I'm kind of dairy sensitive, and so it's extra frustrating to be told that I need to eat more of it. I also apparently need to eat more grains. And meat. I eat too much fruit, but not enough vegetables, and I have so much sodium in my diet but I don't know where it's coming from. It's not like I salt everything. N. used to salt EVERYTHING; her dining tray was always covered in salt that she refused to throw over her left shoulder, but I almost never add salt to food. This project is interesting, but it's making me obsess over food and I even weighed myself today which is never a good idea. My goal for tomorrow is to eat more vegetables.