Within the Ordinary

People are messy. It's just the way we are designed. People make mistakes, and wreck relationships, and generally screw things up. I've done it, but so has everyone, and I don't think I do it more often than average. I sometimes forget that, and feel like an abnormally bad person, but that's ridiculous. Sometimes these things are our fault, but they aren't always. Sometimes it's just a matter of time and distance. I'm not some kind of bad friend mutant.
The crew coach is having all of the juniors over to her house for dinner tonight. I'm really really excited. I love the crew team. I don't know most of the rowers very well yet, but I'm optimistic. I had a really bad week, but things look bright for the future. This weekend is going to be good. I feel ok about my Res Life interview that I had this morning. I love my job, and I am ok with going to nursing school. Or PA school. I've decided that I'm going to have a great life, and whatever pitfalls I may encounter are not going to stop me. It sucks to lose friends, but I'm going to do my best to keep the ones I have, make new ones whenever I can, and not regret the ones who are gone. I think that's the best way to handle things. I haven't had very many/any serious romantic relationships, and so my closest approximations to a broken heart have been lost friends. It takes time to get over a failed relationship, but knowing it happens to everyone softens the blow.

Shrinking

When you don't eat very much your stomach eventually shrinks. I think the same principle applies to love. It's nothing to freak out about, because once you start eating again your stomach stretches out again, and I think once you start loving again you develop a higher capacity for that too. Right now, I am coming off of a love famine. I adore my family. I think they're my only readers, so I'm trying to be sensitive to their feelings, but I haven't had very many friends lately, and so I haven't had enough love. Because sometimes the phone and email aren't enough, and you need to be able to be with people in the flesh. But I love my family, and I know they love me, and I don't want anyone to feel bad. Especially because I am chockerblock full of love right now. It isn't very deep, and I'm not jumping any guns, but I love the crew team. Suddenly I have people. People that cheer me on, and pat my arm, and not only that, but I'm suddenly better at approaching people. I'm moving out of my shell. It feels nice. It feels so nice in fact, that I've lost interest in dating. I am full up of love. Or, since that seems premature, I'm like a person standing on front of an all you can eat buffet, and there's a bakery next door, but I'm pretty focused on what's in front of me. I'm focusing on friends right now. Dating is great for other people, but I just want to build some relationships. I went out with this guy a couple of times, and he was great on paper, but I wasn't feeling it. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm full up right now. Maybe later I'll be ready for that, but right now things are good. I'm not scared. This guy actually liked me. Me, Caroline. He thought I was cute, but he also liked my personality. He wanted a second and third date. Just having that knowledge is enough for me right now. Down the line, when I want to date, I know I'm not un-dateable. Right now though, I just want to chill with the crew team and get close to my existing friends. I'm not lonely. Let that sink in, because it keeps surprising me, and don't worry. I'll date later.

Life

I watched the entire fifth season of Grey's Anatomy this weekend. I have a headache from it. At the same time though, I kept watching because I want to work in medicine, and this is my only opportunity to feel close to it. Real life isn't like tv obviously, but I want to work in medicine so much, and I can't. At least not right now, and not for a few years at least. The thing is, I wouldn't have figured out that I wanted to be a midwife if I hadn't gone to Smith. I wanted to be a therapist when I was at Geneseo, and I'm not sure I won't want to do that later, after I've midwifed around for a few years, but I don't want to do that right away. Everything I've experienced has brought me here, and I'm glad. I like it here. My life plan just got more complicated, and I'm a little worried that people will be mad at me, but I am where I am now, and I wouldn't have known how to get here three years ago, or even a year ago, and there's no point in changing horses second semester junior year. I had to come to Smith so I would know I wanted to be a midwife, and row crew, and just be this Caroline in 2010. I don't regret it, and I really think things are going to be ok, but I am sorry if people get mad.

J-Term

I'm not very good at J-term. It's very boring, and I've been hiding from the crew team because I'm shy and scared about how out of shape I am. I'm terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so I'm messing up by omission. I ran into a couple of girls from the team yesterday, and they invited me to play basketball with them. I was really tired and headachey, but also terrified because I'm terrible at basketball, and I said no. I should have said yes. It's stupid, but I'm also really shy about working out wearing glasses, and I can't wear my contacts yet. I just feel so self-conscious, and it's very tedious. I just want to fast forward to spring break because then I'll know the crew team.
Next year I'm going to stay in Buffalo and work. I like being at Smith, and Lord knows Flora loves it, but I'm bored. And lonely. I'm invited to a party on Saturday, and I don't even like parties, but I'm going to go anyway. It's a rugby party, not a crew party, but I need some human contact. I'm really kicking myself for not hanging out with the crew team yesterday. I'm just freaking myself out because everyone always says you should be yourself, and so I was myself with the rugby team and that got me nowhere. I wasn't even my ornery self, I was just my normal self, but that wasn't something people liked. The crew girls seem like they want to like me at least, but I need to start extending myself.

Three Minutes to Go

I don't think I want to go out and do Primal Scream. I liked it last year, but I don't think I want to do it tonight. I'm almost done with finals. I could've used a scream last Sunday, but now? I'm all out of tension. It's all I can do to maintain enough tension to study for my final tomorrow.
AND it's 10:00. AND I'm...going out.

Self-Control

I lack self-control. I pretty much do what I want, and so I have stopped putting myself in situations where this could possibly be a problem. I don't usually want bad things, but sometimes blindly following my desires is impractical. I'm working on being more responsible about going after what I want by giving myself little self-control tests. Finals make the challenge even more real, because I can't just do what I want. I can't just watch the whole first season of "Being Erica" online just because it's available on Hulu. I can't sleep the day away. I have to focus.

Finals

I was in the library today, when I noticed that the girl next to me was slumped over, face-down at her computer. The computers are communal, and it can sometimes be really hard to find an open one when you need to print something, and so it seemed like a strange place for a nap. I felt a little awkward, because no one else seemed phased by this behavior, but it was out of place, and I sort of wondered if she was bleeding into her brain or something. It would be selfish to nap at a computer because then no one else could use it while you were sleeping and so otherwise occupied, and while Smithies can be very rude, this seemed a little over the top. I decided the behavior that was called for was the same for whether she was dying or rude, and I was just about to poke her when she sat up. I was a little disappointed actually, especially when she just stretched and then went back to sleep, still at the computer.
We presented our Learning & Behavior Change projects today. I was the only one who really put effort into my graph, most of them were done on notebook paper that still had the fringey scraps on the one side. It didn't matter though, as I have loved the class, and I was happy to put that work in. I think Dave might be my favorite ever college professor. He's funny, and wise, and he makes the material interesting, and he classically conditioned me to salivate at the thought of his class, and he said he would loan me a Skinner Box so I could train Flora. He's such a great guy, and today at the end of class he gave a little speech about how we don't need to worry so much and be so hard on ourselves because it's more important that we try to be happy. He didn't have a real job until he was 40, until he came to Smith, but he did have a lot of adventures. He also had the bare minimum GPA to get into grad school, but he had a great time in college and was very involved in Outing Club, and dating, and just living life. And it all still worked out. He says that his children and his chickens and his blueberries all make him so much happier than getting papers published, and we shouldn't lose sight of what we enjoy about life while we are pursuing our goals. It even looked for a moment like he was going to let us off without a final, but he won't. He is a great man, but he's also a great professor, and he while he wants us to take more than just the course material from his class, he does want to see if we've learned anything this semester. I never want to not be in his class again, but he's only teaching stats next semester, and I've already taken that. I got really lucky this semester though. It was like a perfect storm. I hate finals (obviously), but I feel pretty good. I want to study, because I want to show Palmer how much I enjoyed his class by getting an A. Also by giving him peppermint bark. I got so lucky with my professors this semester, it only seems right that I would give them a small token of appreciation.
And now back to the grindstone. It's much too cold to leave my house, but I'm going to study in my room until the wee hours of the morning because I can sleep in tomorrow.
Sidenote: These things are not mutually exclusive, but it sometimes seems like they are, so for the record, I would rather be weird than boring, adventerous than safe, and nice than smart. I case you were wondering.