Fall Fit 5K

Sometimes life is awkward and miserable, and you get a bad night's sleep, and you're worried that people are angry with you, and you feel slightly broken hearted, and then you go for a run in the rain and it's ok.
We had our first game of the season yesterday against Mount Holyoke. They had snuck onto our campus and chalked, and so it was very important that we win. Mount Holyoke is vastly inferior to Smith though, and so this was easily achieved. I played very badly. It's so easy to make excuses, but I can't help but feel that my coach's total lack of confidence in my flanking abilities, coupled with his then putting me at flank had something to do with my epic failure. Just saying. Some things were just unfortunate though, I lost a boot, accidentally spit my mouthguard in someone's face, and pulled a tackle down onto my face. It was not a good game for me, and I'm dreading my Player Evaluation.
After the game the team went to Local Burger, and then we all borded the PVTA for a social at Holyoke. I'm starting to realize that drinking is Bad, if for no other reason than the fact that I cannot sleep if I've been drinking. I went to bed around 11:30 and woke up at 2 and could not get back to sleep until after 5. It was really not fun. Especially because I knew I had to wake up early for an interview and then the race.
I saw the signs for the Fall Fit 5K ages ago and suggested to various rugby leaders that it might be something we should do as a team. Emails were sent, and teams organized, but things kind of fell apart when people realized A. it cost $10, and B. we had to register ourselves. Bring college students, we obviously never have access to the internet, and so 80% of the people that were supposed to run never registered. You were allowed to register the day of, but it's cold and rainy today, and some people had long nights last night. And we played lots of rugby yesterday. So obviously I'm not the only person that likes to make excuses. Anyway, I got to the ITT absurdly early and planked around, waiting for the other girls to show. In the end there were five or six of us, but it didn't really matter as I ended up running by myself anyway. I needed to clear my head, and the ruggers were being too pokey. I haven't been running very much lately, and when I do I don't like it. That's wrong though, since I do like running. I didn't used to, but something changed last year and it became fun. Running today felt amazing. I didn't push that hard, I was running nine-minute miles, just sort of loping along, but it was great. The rain kept me cool, and I listened to my iPod, and I just felt good. Other things are bad, my life is always kind of in shambles, and sleep-loss aside I shouldn't drink because I'm stupid and I got all weepy last night, but running made me feel very peaceful. It was similar to the feeling I get from doing yoga. Running today actually made me want to go to yoga, but I can't today. Maybe next week. I want more of that peace.
People tend to overestimate themselves. They think they're smarter, and nicer, and more attractive than they actually are. There's a word for people who have clear perceptions of themselves- it's depressed. Really, I"m not just being grim, we talked about it in class the other day. I'm not depressed. I recognize that I suck at a lot of things, and I'm not actually good at anything, but I still really like myself. I like being the kind of person who enjoys running in the rain, and who joins organizations to mentor developmentally disabled people (Everyone that I've told about that has asked me why I would want to do something like that; it's as if I'm expressing a desire to shave my head and go live in a yurt, or something equally batty. I just think it would be really rewarding and a positive use of time.), and I don't know, is like me. I like the way I am. I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's a little dream, but it still might go unrealized. I want someone to kiss me. While sober. Because they like me, and feel attracted to me, and care about me, and want to be with me. I won't say how long it's been since I had that kind of kiss, it's too sad. But that's what I want. Not everyone gets that, but I want it. A friend recently told me that he's terrified to die alone, and I groaned and reassured him that he won't, but I have the same worry.

Crawling Out of My Skin

I have some stuff that I need to get over, and so I have decided to go on a Boy Safari. Smith seems extra boy-less lately, and it's been kind of bugging me, so I'm going to be proactive and take matters into my own hands. I'm going to go to UMass tonight to do homework. Why, you might ask, would I take a half hour bus ride to go to a library, when there are libraries at Smith, and I'll only be able to be there for like an hour and a half anyway before I have to catch the bus home? It seems like a total waste of time. My answer? It is, but I am desperate.

This is Why I Love Smith College

What other college would shut down their library on a Friday night so a rock band of professors could play a gig in the lobby? Try and think of one, I'll wait. Of course nothing is perfect, and the group of rugby girls that I was watching the show with slipped out without saying goodbye while I wasn't looking. That was really not cool. We hadn't come together, but c'mon, tap me on the shoulder and let me know you're leaving if you don't want to invite me to join you wherever you're going next. Sheesh. But the rock show part was really nifty. I didn't know any of the professors, but they were pretty good. The music wasn't really my taste, but I love any live music.
It's just a good weekend to be at Smith. Today is quiet, so I can get some work done, but tomorrow should be great. Our rugby game was canceled so we have an extra practice, and then I'm going to my adviser's house for dinner, and then there's Arch Sing after that. I don't think I could design a better Sunday.

I'm In My Happy Place

Truly the best part about eating less junk food is the increased satisfaction when you do indulge.

Country Roads

I passed Chapin House while walking to the library, and something about the smell of industrial food on the warm, humid, evening air made me think of dinner at Camp Weona.

It's Official

You know it's the school year when I start reading the Food Section and wanting to experiment. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have a kitchen to play around in, since I rarely utilize the kitchen at home. I don't really read the Times during the week when I'm at home though. Then again, I am on a diet, and so this sounds extra good. I actually had a dream about eating frosting last night. I want sweets.

This Isn't Rocket Science

I'm happy when I spend time with people, and I'm sad and grumpy when I don't. You would think I would understand this basic idea well enough by now that I would be able to seek out social interactions, knowing they will make me feel good. It's been sort of difficult going from Utah, where I could always get attention when I needed it, to home, where I could generally get attention, to Smith, where it's almost impossible for me to get attention. And I mean actual, in-person interactions, because I've been wearing my poor phone out txting and calling people all over the country.
Yesterday was my most successful day yet this semester. I went to work, and class, and had lunch with rugby girls on the green and then chalked about the rookie meeting. I also went to my first practice of the season. It felt great to be out on the pitch, running around. Ground needs to be regained fitness-wise, but I'll get there. My new boots are really amazing. I love the way it feels when the spikes sink into the ground. Plus they're pretty, I got multiple compliments on them.
I went to dinner with some girls from the team, but I had to rush, which was annoying, since I'm trying to eat healthier, and so my food choices are less satisfying, and so I try to take my time and enjoy the process of eating more. It turned out to be worth the rush though, as I was in a hurry to go to a concert with two girls from the team. We went to see the Young at Heart Chorus, which is a group of older people that sings pop songs. It was really cute, and I got to spend time with teammates outside of practice, and I almost always enjoy live music anyway. So that was an A+ kind of evening.
I'm pretty optimistic about today. I only have one class, and then I'll have time to go running and catch up on reading before practice. We have our rookie meeting tonight, and then the team is having a movie night. We are going to watch "Forever Strong", and I'm excited, despite the fact that I just watched the movie a week ago. I just enjoy being around people, and not in my room, passing out at 10:00 because I had to wake up early to go to work. Things are looking up.

Day Two

I had a dream last night that I was on Facebook (I know that's really lame, but I had been fighting with my laptop all night, trying to get internet, so it was on my mind.) and K. from my SCA crew had unfriended me. I still don't have internet in my room, so I'm posting from the library, and sure enough, he did unfriend me! What a jerk! Still, I really hate him, so it's only annoying because I wanted to be able to stalk his stupid jerk relationship. I wonder what made him do it though- it's been a few weeks now, and I'd have thought he'd have put me out of his mind.
My employment status has changed once again, and now I'm down to one job. It's very sad, but I'm taking five classes and all of my professors claim their class requires ten hours of outside work, plus the twelve plus hours rugby takes up, so I don't really have time for two jobs. Except I applied to work at a literacy volunteer at the preschool that isn't a half hour walk from campus, so if I get hired (knock wood) I will have time for two jobs. So we'll have to wait and see on that score. I'm not entirely sure why I suddenly feel like I need two jobs, but my crossing guard job is too cushy, and I need to be busier in order to feel like I'm really working.
I swear, I've been on the go since 7 am, and although I skipped the gym, I feel like I was pretty productive. Tomorrow is another big day, I'm actually going to buy my textbooks. I really dragged my feet on this one, hoping, I think, for the books to just appear on my shelf like manna from heaven. It's tempting to wait it out a little longer, but professors will insist on assigning reading, so I need to get on my horse. And ride it to the bookstore. I also have chalking for rugby, and a social for new transfer students. And work and class and practice (my first of the year!), but who really cares about that stuff? It feels like tomorrow should be Friday. It's been a short week, but I think Smith days are longer than normal Earth days.

Rattle Trap

I have a new bicycle! It's a vintage-y Schwinn, and I'm quite pleased with the way it makes getting around campus so much easier. I'm less pleased with how noisy it is, the gears clunk, and the brakes, as I discovered while going down a big hill, scream. People were looking around in anticipation of the big crash, because these brakes sound dangerous. I looked it up, and I doubt the brakes actually are dangerous, but it's sort of embarrassing. I'm going to have to ride through some mud and make them less slippery. I do love my bike though. I had forgotten how lovely it feels to just hop on and ride.
Still no internet in my room, I'm at the library. I remember having problems with my internet last year too, I just can't remember how I resolved them.
I may have to find a replacement job since my current job conflicts with rugby. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but I have to miss practice every Friday for class, and you can't play unless you attend at least three practices during the week. There's a preschool assistant job that's open, that fits nicely into my schedule, so I emailed my boss about it. We'll see I guess. I wish I was one of those girls who can casually play rugby, but I know I'm not. It's a way of life.