Sunday, September 27, 2009

Fall Fit 5K

Sometimes life is awkward and miserable, and you get a bad night's sleep, and you're worried that people are angry with you, and you feel slightly broken hearted, and then you go for a run in the rain and it's ok.
We had our first game of the season yesterday against Mount Holyoke. They had snuck onto our campus and chalked, and so it was very important that we win. Mount Holyoke is vastly inferior to Smith though, and so this was easily achieved. I played very badly. It's so easy to make excuses, but I can't help but feel that my coach's total lack of confidence in my flanking abilities, coupled with his then putting me at flank had something to do with my epic failure. Just saying. Some things were just unfortunate though, I lost a boot, accidentally spit my mouthguard in someone's face, and pulled a tackle down onto my face. It was not a good game for me, and I'm dreading my Player Evaluation.
After the game the team went to Local Burger, and then we all borded the PVTA for a social at Holyoke. I'm starting to realize that drinking is Bad, if for no other reason than the fact that I cannot sleep if I've been drinking. I went to bed around 11:30 and woke up at 2 and could not get back to sleep until after 5. It was really not fun. Especially because I knew I had to wake up early for an interview and then the race.
I saw the signs for the Fall Fit 5K ages ago and suggested to various rugby leaders that it might be something we should do as a team. Emails were sent, and teams organized, but things kind of fell apart when people realized A. it cost $10, and B. we had to register ourselves. Bring college students, we obviously never have access to the internet, and so 80% of the people that were supposed to run never registered. You were allowed to register the day of, but it's cold and rainy today, and some people had long nights last night. And we played lots of rugby yesterday. So obviously I'm not the only person that likes to make excuses. Anyway, I got to the ITT absurdly early and planked around, waiting for the other girls to show. In the end there were five or six of us, but it didn't really matter as I ended up running by myself anyway. I needed to clear my head, and the ruggers were being too pokey. I haven't been running very much lately, and when I do I don't like it. That's wrong though, since I do like running. I didn't used to, but something changed last year and it became fun. Running today felt amazing. I didn't push that hard, I was running nine-minute miles, just sort of loping along, but it was great. The rain kept me cool, and I listened to my iPod, and I just felt good. Other things are bad, my life is always kind of in shambles, and sleep-loss aside I shouldn't drink because I'm stupid and I got all weepy last night, but running made me feel very peaceful. It was similar to the feeling I get from doing yoga. Running today actually made me want to go to yoga, but I can't today. Maybe next week. I want more of that peace.
People tend to overestimate themselves. They think they're smarter, and nicer, and more attractive than they actually are. There's a word for people who have clear perceptions of themselves- it's depressed. Really, I"m not just being grim, we talked about it in class the other day. I'm not depressed. I recognize that I suck at a lot of things, and I'm not actually good at anything, but I still really like myself. I like being the kind of person who enjoys running in the rain, and who joins organizations to mentor developmentally disabled people (Everyone that I've told about that has asked me why I would want to do something like that; it's as if I'm expressing a desire to shave my head and go live in a yurt, or something equally batty. I just think it would be really rewarding and a positive use of time.), and I don't know, is like me. I like the way I am. I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's a little dream, but it still might go unrealized. I want someone to kiss me. While sober. Because they like me, and feel attracted to me, and care about me, and want to be with me. I won't say how long it's been since I had that kind of kiss, it's too sad. But that's what I want. Not everyone gets that, but I want it. A friend recently told me that he's terrified to die alone, and I groaned and reassured him that he won't, but I have the same worry.

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