Cheating

I confess! I've been keeping another, secret blog.
http://mint-tea.tumblr.com/

Finals

I don't want to write my papers. I'm at the point where I'm doing class reading to procrastinate. On the plus side, I'll be home in two weeks. That's very encouraging. I'm all full of summer plans.

Want

I know a lot of people in smother-y relationships. They don't feel smothered, but from where I'm standing it looks claustrophobic. At the same time though, I want it. I want it so much, but I don't know how to get it. And I honestly doubt I'd even want it if I had it. But I think I hate watching couples so much because I am so so jealous.

Robot Roll Call

To the Calvin Theater in Northampton last night to see Cinematic Titanic, a.k.a. Mystery Science Theater 3000 LIVE AND ON ICE. Well, not on ice, but LIVE.
It was very fun, and I'll get into descriptions of the fun in a minute, but before the show started, when Joel was still making introductions, he made an interesting point. He said that Mystery Science Theater fans are the best in the world because they are so patient. Not only did they watch a 2 hour television show, they still love it twelve years after it was canceled. Twelve years. And that's when it hit me. I was nine when the show went off the air, and while I did enjoy it, I rarely watched an entire episode. I tended to either fall asleep or change the channel. It is a fond cultural thing from my childhood, and it had a big impact on the way I watch movies though. I remember going to see "Step Mom" for my tenth birthday with the express purpose of making fun of it, and almost getting kicked out of the theater.
I love looking around at events to see what kind of people like the thing being presented. I think I'm looking to see if I fit in, if these are MY people. Chris Pureka was full of older lesbians, so, not my people. Last night's event was a lot of heavy men with odd facial hair, so I have to say they weren't my people either. It's ok though, as I like to not blend with the crowd. It makes me feel eclectic and cool to have the same interests as heavy men with mutton chops, and 40 year old Melissa Ethridge lookalikes, and crazy toned Amazons. The crowd was pretty old last night too, which is consistent with the whole canceled-12-years-ago thing. I was more suprised to see how old Joel looked. Dude looks old. Plus the opening act was Dave Gruber Allen or, the second troubador from "Gilmore Girls". I guess he did stand-up, but it seemed an awful lot like rambling, although it was funnier than the town players. He made several self-conscious, middle aged references to youth culture, (Justin Bieber, Twitter, and the like), and sang a song, and then just sort of wandered on stage while other people were talking. There was a funny bit about how people lack attention spans, and so soon radio stations will just play people's favorite parts of songs instead of the whole thing, and a pitch for a cartoon about a hero called Convoluted Man, complete with an exposition-filled theme song, but everyone in the room had come for one reason-robots, and that never really delivered. We got to see the people who had supplied the voices for the robots, but the actual puppets weren't on stage, which I thought was sad.
The movie was called "Terror on Tiki Island", and it totally lived up to the name. Portugese horror movies don't get the credit they deserve in the US. Joel's description of the monster as the Michelin Man after a horrible flaming car crash was about spot on, and a character had a household staff entirely comprised of dwarves, and there were killer mutant trees, so that was good. The movie didn't start until 9:00 though, and so by the end I could have been nine years old again, struggling to stay awake.

Worries

I am very lucky to have a nice best friend. We've been best friends for years, and even though she may have other best friends, she's still my best friend, which is what matters. She's her own person, she can do what she wants, but she is still my best friend, even if I'm one of many with her. The thing is though, that as part of my best friend duties, I have to find my way out to Oberlin, Ohio this June, and I have some very mixed, worried feelings about that. Because while I adore my friend, let's call her...Kiva, she has the unfortunate habit of staying close with people after it has become impossible for me to remain friends with them. (I mean this in an ironic sort of way, as it's my fault and she obviously shouldn't be held responsible for my being impossible and oversensitive, and whatever else it is about me that causes these problems.) This isn't usually an issue, but I have to assume that some of these people are also going to head out to the Midwest to help our mutual friend celebrate her 21st. And that sort of scares me. I'm happier than I used to be, and I'm different, and I hope nicer, and more mature, but that doesn't mean I want to face certain people. I've already had the whole breakthrough where I realized that I am not a monster, and I might or might not have been wrong to end some friendships, but there was hurting on both sides, and I didn't do it without just cause. I don't want to see these people. Pretty much ever again. I occasionally relapse and think it would be nicer to be friends than not, but that isn't actually the case. I'm better off this way. The thing is, I can't ask Kiva about the guest list for her birthday, because...well, I did that once in middle school, with the understanding that I couldn't attend if someone else was going to be there, and she still brings it up sometimes. If it was a party in Buffalo, with all kinds of awesome escape routes, I would be all over it. Oberlin is REALLY far away though, and most people aren't up for that kind of a trip unless they're at least staying the night. Just thinking about it, months in advance is providing me with enough anxiety that I'm blogging and not doing Swahili homework, and even though I'm easily distracted, I really am worried about this. I want to do the right thing, but I'm not really sure what that is. Maybe it's removing myself from the birthday party scenario. The not wanting to see people is probably mutual, and I don't want to distract from birthday thunder. At the same time though, I want to do right by my best friend, as she is one of the only friends I have who is reliable and actually loves me.
On a happier note, I made a Chris Pureka Pandora station and it is crazy awesome. It's bringing up all kinds of folky, indie, sort of whiney female vocalists, and everyone knows how much I like those.

Chris Pureka

I had a kind of rough day yesterday. My race was stupid, and then my friend flaked on me. Twice actually, since she told me that she was not going to be in Buffalo over the summer and she didn't want to go to a concert with me because her money is better spent on beer and weed. So I was angry. Actually angry too, not peeved or annoyed.
I was determined to go to the show though, with or without my stupid friend, so I headed downtown. I got shut out of the advance tickets, so I was planning on buying at the door, but I accidentally went to Pearl Street when I was supposed to go to The Iron Horse, and this on top of my bad mood was extra not good. It worked out though, and I found the place only to be told it was standing room only, and the tickets wouldn't be on sale for another forty minutes. I wandered around a bit and got Herrell's for dinner. Ice cream is truly a wonderful thing.
I had never been to The Iron Horse before, but it's a decent venue. It was PACKED, but I was able to get in, so I didn't mind. I found a decent spot with a good view of the stage and finally gave up being angry so I could enjoy the show. It didn't matter that I was there by myself. I had a mental image of showing up by myself at the concert being like a bad dream where the whole of the rugby and crew teams would all be there, making out and pointing and whispering about me, but I actually only saw one person that I knew there, and she was by herself too. We would have hung out, but we couldn't both fit in my space and it was too crowded to find a spot big enough for the both of us. I didn't mind being alone though. I got a $7 beer (seriously. $7. It's just shameless.) and felt pretty grown up and cool.
I first heard Chris Pureka during Wilderness Training. The instructor was playing her in the background while we practiced setting up tents, and I was attracted to the fiddle sound. I asked Katrina what we were listening to, and then immediately looked her up online. She only has about six songs on her page though, and so I wasn't terribly familiar with her music before the show. I like going to concerts where you aren't a huge fan beforehand though. It's fun when a great show can turn you into a fan, and last nights was one of those concerts. I had a great time, and I got to have ice cream. and drink in moderation, and listen to some great music, AND be in bed by 11. What else can you ask for in a Saturday night? Well, friends that don't suck. But you can't have everything.

Not Dead Yet

I've been waking up on the wrong side of the bed all week. My next door neighbor's alarm has been going off nonstop from 10 to 11pm, and as I try to go to bed at 9:30 it either wakes me up, or prevents me from falling asleep. Then I lose my sleep window, and the night is ruined, which means the morning is even worse than your standard waking-up-at-4:30 morning. Naps are great, but nothing beats a good night's sleep.
I was so tired this morning that I almost called in to let KK know I wouldn't be able to come into practice, but I didn't. If I don't show up my entire boat could be on land, and I didn't want to do that to my teammates. Luck was on my side however, and the fog this morning was so thick that we weren't able to go out. I was briefly worried that KK would send us to do a gym workout, but instead she let us loose with the expectation that we would do our split 2k, plus an hour of good cardio at some point during the day.
I was incredibly sick of the erg by the end of winter training, but now that we're on the water I sometimes miss it. I was nevertheless nervous about the erg test however, as the last time we tested I beat my goal split by almost three seconds. Improvement is wonderful, but then you are held to that standard, and I was worried that I would be slower. I was also worried because I was going to do it on my own, without any teammates to follow, or coxswains or coaches keeping me at my goal split. I walked into the erg room with a stomach full of butterflies, and prepped the room to my exact tastes for the first time ever. I opened the windows, and picked out a mix cd (Now That's What I Call Music: Volume 11), and actually sat in the front row for once. I did a quick warm-up, took a few deep breaths, and began. The test was split into a 1500 meter piece, with a one minute break, and then the final 500 meters, which made it even more tempting to fly and die, which is when you start out at an unsustainable pace and then fold. I didn't do that though. Somehow, I kept a steady stroke rate, and my splits stayed low. It was hard. My legs were burning after the first 500 meters, but at the end I had a new PR. I've been running on the victory all day. I'm tired, and my life is making me stressed and crazy, but I rowed really well today, without a coxswain, and without my teammates, and I was able to do my hour of cardio right after, which tells me I can do better next time. I'm going to get a sub-8 minute 2k before the end of the semester. I read in Cosmo that it's bad to announce your goals, as it gives you a false sense of accomplishment before you even do anything, but this is different. This is a personal promise, and when I reach my goal you'll all know how meaningful it is.
There were ice cream cones for dessert tonight, and I took mine to go. It's a beautiful evening, and I wandered around the nearby residential neighborhoods, looking at the houses. There were a lot of people out, walking dogs, playing with their kids, eating supper on their patios. I think the sound of cutlery on plates is one of my favorites. I know it's only April, but the weather has me ready for summer.

Willoughby

It feels like spring today. I of course forgot to say "rabbit rabbit", but I'm glad it's March.
I went to church with a girl from the crew team yesterday. We went to First Baptist in Amherst, and it was interesting. I love the girl, she's one of those sweet people that makes people feel totally accepted and at their ease. She has a very endearing faith too, she brought her own bible to the service, and took notes all during the sermon so she could read over them later and reflect. We met this older couple who told us that church is a great place to meet boys. They had met at church forty years ago, so I guess it works for some people.
I went to an interesting show on Saturday. I had to be responsible and skip Drag Ball because of Saturday practice, but the show had a drag element, so I still met my quota. It was called Johnny Blazes One (Wo)Man Show. I thought it would be packed, but it was actually a small audience, which made me nervous, as ze kept pulling audience members onstage and spraying whipped cream in people's mouths and whatnot. I hate audience participation, and I was there by myself, so I already felt self-conscious. I wasn't picked though, so I had a nice time. There was some drag king stuff, and a few monologues, and ze actually sang some opera. (Yes, I'm using the weird pronouns, but that's what was on the website when I looked hir up.) It was a lot of fun. I'm trying to be better about going to stuff by myself if I can't find someone to go with me. It's stupid to sit at home if there's something fun going on.
Thirteen days until Spring Break. It's currently in the high 50s and rainy in Gainesville. I would like to get some sun, but even if it's cold it'll be nice to finally get in a boat. We put the ergs up on sliders on Saturday, so now we really have to row in sync. It's hard, and now it's obvious when I screw up, but I don't care, I just want to get on the water.
I keep having delightful encounters with girls from the crew team. I was having a really horrible practice this morning; I was slow and tired and cross, and I was sitting next to the fastest novice, and I kept comparing our splits and feeling bad about myself. I looked pretty sullen too, I was right up in front of the mirror and I looked incredibly pissy. Right before our last set though, the girl next to me started whistling "Deck the Halls". She caught my eye and gave me a really great smile, and I felt so much better. I don't know why she was whistling, and it probably wasn't because I was being a pill, but it cheered me right up. And the smile was for me.
I was thinking last night about Willoughby from Sense and Sensibility. It's the only Jane Austin I've ever read (judge away) and I liked it a lot, but I also totally lost my heart to Willoughby, despite his being a total cad. The thing is, he wasn't malicious, he was just selfish. That isn't any excuse, but it makes him seem less awful than some other cads you encounter in literature. This didn't come out of nowhere. I know I said I was over all of my Geneseo sadness, and I don't feel sad, but I still sometimes think about everything that happened. I was mulling over it, and C. kinds of reminds me of Willoughby. They share a sort of careless if not malicious indifference to other people's feelings. Marianne was happy without him in the end, but I bet she still sometimes felt wistful about the way things ended between them. It's hard to not.

New Page

Crew starts tomorrow. I think I've been waiting for it to start all semester. We're about three weeks in, but I feel like the semester is about to really start now. I'm going to have a solid schedule, and a very early bedtime, and I'll hopefully feel like a real crewbie. I won't lie and say I'm not nervous, but I'm also incredibly excited.
I like to take Sundays to get centered for the upcoming week. I usually try to do laundry, or clean up my room a little, and it's the only day of the week that I completely make up my bed with all of my throw pillows. During my tidying today I noticed that my hair brush had some sort of unknown substance between the bristles. Upon further investigation I realized that it was honey. I've been brushing my hair with a honey brush for weeks. Honey never goes bad, but it's still a little strange. You may ask "how did you get honey in your brush?", but I'll never tell.

Within the Ordinary

People are messy. It's just the way we are designed. People make mistakes, and wreck relationships, and generally screw things up. I've done it, but so has everyone, and I don't think I do it more often than average. I sometimes forget that, and feel like an abnormally bad person, but that's ridiculous. Sometimes these things are our fault, but they aren't always. Sometimes it's just a matter of time and distance. I'm not some kind of bad friend mutant.
The crew coach is having all of the juniors over to her house for dinner tonight. I'm really really excited. I love the crew team. I don't know most of the rowers very well yet, but I'm optimistic. I had a really bad week, but things look bright for the future. This weekend is going to be good. I feel ok about my Res Life interview that I had this morning. I love my job, and I am ok with going to nursing school. Or PA school. I've decided that I'm going to have a great life, and whatever pitfalls I may encounter are not going to stop me. It sucks to lose friends, but I'm going to do my best to keep the ones I have, make new ones whenever I can, and not regret the ones who are gone. I think that's the best way to handle things. I haven't had very many/any serious romantic relationships, and so my closest approximations to a broken heart have been lost friends. It takes time to get over a failed relationship, but knowing it happens to everyone softens the blow.

Shrinking

When you don't eat very much your stomach eventually shrinks. I think the same principle applies to love. It's nothing to freak out about, because once you start eating again your stomach stretches out again, and I think once you start loving again you develop a higher capacity for that too. Right now, I am coming off of a love famine. I adore my family. I think they're my only readers, so I'm trying to be sensitive to their feelings, but I haven't had very many friends lately, and so I haven't had enough love. Because sometimes the phone and email aren't enough, and you need to be able to be with people in the flesh. But I love my family, and I know they love me, and I don't want anyone to feel bad. Especially because I am chockerblock full of love right now. It isn't very deep, and I'm not jumping any guns, but I love the crew team. Suddenly I have people. People that cheer me on, and pat my arm, and not only that, but I'm suddenly better at approaching people. I'm moving out of my shell. It feels nice. It feels so nice in fact, that I've lost interest in dating. I am full up of love. Or, since that seems premature, I'm like a person standing on front of an all you can eat buffet, and there's a bakery next door, but I'm pretty focused on what's in front of me. I'm focusing on friends right now. Dating is great for other people, but I just want to build some relationships. I went out with this guy a couple of times, and he was great on paper, but I wasn't feeling it. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm full up right now. Maybe later I'll be ready for that, but right now things are good. I'm not scared. This guy actually liked me. Me, Caroline. He thought I was cute, but he also liked my personality. He wanted a second and third date. Just having that knowledge is enough for me right now. Down the line, when I want to date, I know I'm not un-dateable. Right now though, I just want to chill with the crew team and get close to my existing friends. I'm not lonely. Let that sink in, because it keeps surprising me, and don't worry. I'll date later.

Life

I watched the entire fifth season of Grey's Anatomy this weekend. I have a headache from it. At the same time though, I kept watching because I want to work in medicine, and this is my only opportunity to feel close to it. Real life isn't like tv obviously, but I want to work in medicine so much, and I can't. At least not right now, and not for a few years at least. The thing is, I wouldn't have figured out that I wanted to be a midwife if I hadn't gone to Smith. I wanted to be a therapist when I was at Geneseo, and I'm not sure I won't want to do that later, after I've midwifed around for a few years, but I don't want to do that right away. Everything I've experienced has brought me here, and I'm glad. I like it here. My life plan just got more complicated, and I'm a little worried that people will be mad at me, but I am where I am now, and I wouldn't have known how to get here three years ago, or even a year ago, and there's no point in changing horses second semester junior year. I had to come to Smith so I would know I wanted to be a midwife, and row crew, and just be this Caroline in 2010. I don't regret it, and I really think things are going to be ok, but I am sorry if people get mad.

J-Term

I'm not very good at J-term. It's very boring, and I've been hiding from the crew team because I'm shy and scared about how out of shape I am. I'm terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so I'm messing up by omission. I ran into a couple of girls from the team yesterday, and they invited me to play basketball with them. I was really tired and headachey, but also terrified because I'm terrible at basketball, and I said no. I should have said yes. It's stupid, but I'm also really shy about working out wearing glasses, and I can't wear my contacts yet. I just feel so self-conscious, and it's very tedious. I just want to fast forward to spring break because then I'll know the crew team.
Next year I'm going to stay in Buffalo and work. I like being at Smith, and Lord knows Flora loves it, but I'm bored. And lonely. I'm invited to a party on Saturday, and I don't even like parties, but I'm going to go anyway. It's a rugby party, not a crew party, but I need some human contact. I'm really kicking myself for not hanging out with the crew team yesterday. I'm just freaking myself out because everyone always says you should be yourself, and so I was myself with the rugby team and that got me nowhere. I wasn't even my ornery self, I was just my normal self, but that wasn't something people liked. The crew girls seem like they want to like me at least, but I need to start extending myself.