Following My Own Advice

I have decided to see a counselor. I know deciding to see someone can be a private thing, but I'm always saying I think everyone would benefit from talking to a counselor every now and then, and so I feel like it's ok for me to announce it. I'm ok, I just think I should talk to someone about my inability to make and keep friends. I'll admit it, I've been ruminating about the whole Nicole thing. It's so tempting to say I make bad friend choices, but other people get along with them, and so I think it's probably me. It's a shame that I didn't address this in time for things to work out with some of my former friends, but at least I'll have a better chance in the future. I sometimes worry that I'm a sociopath, but I think I'm probably in the clear because of that worry, a real sociopath wouldn't care that they're a sociopath. I don't want to have unreasonable expectations, but I hope it helps. It isn't hugely pressing, I was talking to EGA about my problem of alienating friends, and she while she was able to relate, she was not concerned about what it said about our characters. "So it says something about our characters", she said with a vocal shrug, which I think summed it up nicely. Still, it would be nice to have some friends. In-state friends if at all possible, I have at least three in the world. And they are delights.
I'm trying to make my schedule for next semester, but it's hard to do. There are so many cool-sounding classes, and a lot of them conflict, and I don't know which ones are going to fill up. What sounds more fun, Learning and Behavior Change (I'd get to experiment on a pidgeon!), or Psychology of Behavior? Buddhist Thought, or Buddhist Meditation? Africa: Popular Health and Environmental Issues, or American Popular Culture? Plus I need to leave room in my schedule for Swahili, and I want to get into Emergency Care. And possibly West African Dance (my HP is taking it and I see her practicing all the time. It looks like a ton of fun. I frequently wish I could dance).

Only One Way to Make the Bubbles Stay

I had an endless day.
I am officially out of clothes, so I'm doing laundry tomorrow. Laundry makes me happy though, so I'm looking forward to it. I'll have clean clothes and clean sheets, I'll take out the garbage, and clean Flora's crate, and maybe I'll even vacume. I can't go to practice on Tuesdays because of work, so I'm hoping to go for a run by the river. Long days aren't bad, but I'm glad Tuesdays tend to be light and pleasant so I can recuperate.

Rainy Sunday

Today has flown by, and I still have so much to do. I keep telling myself "x days until I can stop and regroup", but x keeps getting bigger. I don't have very much semester left though, so while one number is disturbingly large, the other is shrinking at an alarming rate. Second semester always seems to fly by, but I feel like I just got to Smith. I don't think I've accomplished enough here yet for the semester to end.
I really like the rugby team, but I'm having a hard time breaking into the social part. I have lots of experience with rugby, but I'm the only new player that joined without already having a good friend/girlfriend on the team. And the team doesn't have parties, they just go to parties together, but I don't have any of their phone numbers, so I can't call them to meet up. And they apparently don't eat dinner together most nights. I miss my warthogs.

Nobility

You know, when you Google "noble" you get a page full of pictures of cars? What is the world coming to? I had to be much more specific to get what I wanted, but it was worth it, since I defy you to think of something more noble than a lion riding a horse. Or more hilarious than a monkey wearing two tuxedos.
Earlier when I posted about Aaron, I mentioned the fact that we chatted for awhile. I thought about posting about our conversation in that post, but I wanted to stay on topic and give him his due and not talk about myself anymore than I already did. But something came up in our conversation that I have been thinking about a lot, so here I go. Because Aaron is graduating, he is thinking a lot about what he wants to do with his life, and he asked me about my life plan. Now I love talking about my life plan, but his reaction surprised me. He was down for me going to Africa, which is unusual in and of itself, most people try to discourage me with stories about bot flies, malaria and rogue armies. No, what threw me was he said it was a noble life plan. So I'm not stupid, and I know that my life plan is a lot of doing good works, but I still feel like calling it noble is more likely mocking than sincere. I'm not noble. No one outside of my family even likes me because I'm so not noble. He meant it though, he said I was going to make a difference in the world, and people like me are going to help make the situation in Africa better (He said that! People like me!). And that's what I want, to help, but I don't know how I feel about being painted as noble. Even though he meant it in a good way, and it would be good to be a noble person...it made me feel guilty. Which is probably the opposite of what he wanted, but I can't help it. I'm not noble.

Aw

So there I was, planking around online, when my old Stage Musicals TA Aaron IMed me. We used to talk online fairly regularly, but I hadn't heard from him in awhile, and so I figured he had lost interest since I no longer go to Geneseo and so cannot attend his performances. I never really thought we were friends, so I didn't say goodbye or anything, even though I always liked him, but he apparently didn't get the memo that I had transferred. He actually IMed me to invite me to his senior recital, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I'm sad that I can't go, I like his performances; they tend to be hammy, and I think endearing. We ended up chatting for a decent while, and it made me wonder if maybe we actually were friends. And then I felt bad for not saying goodbye. What do you say to those people though, the ones that you like, but don't hang out with, and don't know well? I wouldn't have done things any differently if I could have a do-over, it's too often the case that acting like you care about people is "creepy". Still, he's a nice guy, I'm glad I knew him. Maybe we'll keep in some sort of touch, our relationship was mostly online anyway. He wants to write musicals, and I really like the idea of someday going to see one of his shows on Broadway. Or if that doesn't pan out and he goes on to Plan B, I'll watch his news show. Either or.

S.O.R.E.

Nothing feels like rugby. I'm in the best shape of my life, or something like, and I'm still dying from practice yesterday. It hurts to put on my shoes. I got off my bed wrong and twinged my back. My right knee is troublingly unstable. But I'm happy, that counts for a lot. And I know my muscles will harden eventually.
There's a rugby social event this Friday. Our first game is Saturday, and two girls have birthdays this week, so we're having a team dinner. I'm going to make the sausage buns my dad posted about awhile ago. I hope I'll have access to spices, I don't want to buy whole containers of spices if I don't have to. It's exciting. I think I'm going to like the team. They're all dating each other, but it doesn't seem too dramatic. We have a social with Yale after the game on Saturday. I don't think I'm going to drink, I never got into the whole afternoon drunk thing, but I can't drive because I don't know how, so I feel like it isn't fair to the DD girls if I don't. Sort of like "eat your peas there are starving kids in China". Not that I think that's a good enough reason to do something I don't want to. With drinking. I'm totally anti-wasting food.
This week is going too quickly. This semester is going too quickly. I'm not ready for it to be summer, mostly because I can't run 13 miles yet. And I'm not where I want to be with my grades. I need more time. I feel like that's going to be the story of my life.
My whistle still hasn't arrived. It makes me sad. I want to wear it around so people ask me about it and I can tell them about Falling Whistles and then get them to join Invisible Children. And yes, that is my Master Plan.

A Web is a House for a Spider

It's good to be back at Smith. The ride back was sort of fun actually. It was just Woody and me, which I thought would be awkward, but wasn't. We were able to talk for most of the ride, and it wasn't uncomfortable when we eventually fell quiet. We got pulled over for speeding, but it wasn't a huge deal. 85 in a 60 zone, pshaw. I made a terrible showing when he asked me what kind of music I like, but I didn't care. I feel surprisingly unselfconscious around Woody. He wouldn't take any money for gas, which I thought was nice.
Now I'm back in my room. Flora is all set up at the foot of my bed, and I had a nice dinner with a bunch of girls from my floor. I feel really good about things. Rugby starts tomorrow, and I have the whole evening to get where I need to be as far as work.

Washing the Slate

It's been a sort of rough week. Being home is great, I love seeing my family, and just being in Buffalo is nice. I met some cool people, and I learned about some cool new causes. Sometimes though, the few negative things can make an otherwise harmless, or even good week bad. For some reason two wronged parties decided this was the week to air their grievances, and that wasn't fun to hear. I'm sad that these people feel that way, (though I'm not surprised by one of them) but I'm not questioning myself over it. Even though a lot of what they said was true, I'm not going to hate myself over it, that's totally unproductive. I've been watching the show "Dollhouse", and this has made me think of what Echo said in the first episode, about how you can always see what was on the slate, even after it's been cleaned. And Dana told me that even if I transferred I would still be the same person, and I can't run away from myself. I don't mind these traces though, they're part of who I am. And I like who I am, even if I have made more than my share of mistakes and other people don't like me. I think I'm doing an ok job. Not a stellar job, but I'm trying. And so that allowed me to sleep last night, even after a day of being told that I have a bad character, and not dwell, and doubt myself. I'm making a more serious effort to wipe the slate and start fresh, and it's actually easier now, as ties to my old life are being cut. I even like that an old camp friend is transferring to Geneseo, and sealing up, at least in my mind, whatever space I left, so I know it's really over. I doubt baby birds really mind being pushed out of the nest, there's a whole world out there. Even being told that people are tearing me apart behind my back, and the only person that defends me is CWB doesn't bother me as much as I think the teller intended it to. I'm putting the past behind me, and I don't actually care what people that don't like me think. Everything feels like life and death when you're living it, but I left, it's over, and I have the whole world before me.

Wow

All break I've been hearing about my dad's hippie shoe salesmen friends that were coming to visit, but I didn't really understand what my parents were talking about until tonight. My dad somehow came to know a group of Vagabonds, or people that tour the country selling TOMS Shoes, and he offered them our couches for when their travels brought them to Buffalo. They're very nice, and not actual hippies. They arrived this evening, and it turns out they're about my age, and not old the way I had pictured them. Hippies to me suggests old, but they're roughly college-aged. It was a little awkward at first, the boy is very handsome and scruffy, and the girls are super cool, so I felt shy. My parents kept trying to drag me into the conversation too, which made things even harder. I loosened up over pizza though, and the next thing I knew I was in their sweet TOMS van, on my way to Niagara Falls. I've been kind of lonely this break, so the Vagabonds were something of a Godsend. We got lost on the way, even with their Aussie-voiced GPS, but it was fun. It wasn't too cold at the Falls, and they had never been there before, which was cool. We walked around and chatted, I mostly talked to K., but they were all really nice, and very interesting too. (K. opted to not go to college, but she is trained as a nurse, J. is a dancer, and got a call about dancing for Flo Rida while we were at the Falls, and D. is a triathelete, and knows all about Invisible Children.) We wandered around for a couple of hours, and then headed back into Buffalo. We were going to go to SPOT, but it was closed, so we just came back to the house. I'm a little jealous that they're touring the country, helping to get shoes for kids in developing nations. At the same time, it renewed my resolve to help make the world better. Every little bit helps, and what they are doing is inspiring. I was talking to my dad earlier this evening, before the Vagabonds came, about manners, and how it doesn't cost anything to be polite to people. I think helping people is along the same line, even if it is more extreme. If I am capable of helping though, I think I should do it. Even if it is hard, it's worth it.
I'm really glad I got to hang out with some people my own age. I like them too, and I think I did an ok job. It was nice spending time with people that are passionate about a cause, but who also appreciate adventure. I thought about trying it out myself, but I don't think I would like living in a van. They don't get any exercise, and I think that would bother me. I'm back on track though, which is big.

Generosity

Can you be generous if you don't value things as highly as other people do? I sometimes think I'm more generous than some people, but maybe I just don't value the things that I give so freely as much as they do. Time for instance. I'm almost always willing to spare my time and energy, but is that more generous than the few minutes a busier friend can grant me? It isn't that I don't value my time though, but I know I'm not as practical as my friends. And what are these busy people doing that makes their time so valuable? It's all very mysterious.

No Place Like Home

I never really think about missing Buffalo until I come back. Sure, I'll occasionally bemoan other places' lack of Mighty Taco, but I don't think "God I wish I was in Buffalo", as much as "I sure could go for lots of cheap Tex Mex right about now". As we drove into the city last night though, I was literally bouncing on my seat, I was that excited to be back.
The trip back was the shortest I've ever had, thanks largely to the driver's impressive speeding. I got a ride with a fellow CHS alum that goes to Amherst, which worked out great. We were never good friends, or even friends at all, but he always seemed like a class act. He has inoffensive taste in music too, and while I thought the levels of pretentiousness were a bit high (three Amherst students, each with an iPhone, and both boys were wearing blazers and wool Amherst baseball caps. Plus, the girl was wearing a sort of floppy green hat that I imagine Claude Monet would have liked for gardening. Plus, you know, me.), but not unbearable. It was nice to be around boys in this kind of setting. One was driving, and the other was sleeping, and so I got to enjoy their company without really having to talk to them very much.
Since I've been home I have had delicious red beans and rice, watched "Dollhouse" with my family, and run a 5k in a decent amount of time. These have all made me very happy and relaxed, and so this break is so far a success. Later I am going to try a new recipe for roast chicken, and then I am finally going to see Coraline. Break is great.

Ok...Go!

I saw the posters for the OK GO concert a few weeks ago in the Campus Center and made a mental note of it. I had a vague idea of getting a ticket and going, but I didn't want to go by myself, and so I ended up forgetting about it. I thought that would be the end of it, but I had dinner with some girls from my hall tonight. It was Irish Night, which was fun, but it turns out that too much soda bread makes you feel incredibly sick for hours and hours. But that's another story. The girls were going to the concert, which turned out to be tonight, and they invited me to come with them.
We got there just as the first opening act was wrapping up. The second act was Longwave, and ok. Opening acts have the potential to be terrible, and these guys weren't. They weren't great either, all of their songs sounded the same, but I enjoyed them. The drummer looked a lot like Jason Schwartzman, so I was happy. The lead singer made me think of Roger from RENT, he seemed the way I imagine pre-HIV+ Roger, so kind of cocky and annoying.
OK GO was so good. I'm not super familiar with their music, but they were darn fun. They were also adorable, they were all wearing gray suits and looked like they were channeling the young Beatles. It might have been the best concert I've ever seen. They opened with a quiet, acoustic song and then just exploded into crazy fun loudness. I was right by the speaker and the noise was forcing my heart to beat in time to the music it was so loud. They joked and bantered, and played a lot of fast songs that are good to dance to. I read on Stuff White People Like that white people like to stand still at concerts, and so I made a point of dancing a whole lot to show how it doesn't apply to me. They fired the confetti cannon THREE times, and threw plastic tambourines into the audience like frisbees, and they played "Don't Ask Me" and "Here It Goes Again" back to back, so I got to sing and jump around a lot. They also played a song on handbells, which was super cool. They only played one really slow song, but it was so pretty I don't think anyone minded the break from jumping and yelling. I can't find it online, so I'm guessing it's on their new album. I had an awesome time. The girls I went with had a great time too. They're really funny, and very creative dancers. I don't know them very well, but I like them a whole lot, especially now that they invited me to this awesome show. It was a great night, I'm really happy.

History Voices

We did a sort of reenactment of the Lateran Counsel today in The Makings of the Medieval World. I got to be future Pope, and friend of Francis Assi, Cardinal Ugolino. It was pretty fun, we wandered around the room, making allies and discussing our agendas. Everyone was taking it very seriously, and talking in their special pretentious historical voices, with trace amounts of accents. I thought this was hilarious, and so I talked like myself, but my really enthusiastic self ("Have you heard about Brother Francis? I can tell you know, he's going to be big, tell your friends." etc.) Weirdly enough, people didn't seem to appreciate this, but I had fun, and the professor didn't mind. Another girl from my hall is in my class, and she was taking the whole thing super seriously. She kept pulling people out of conversations to grill them about the alliances they were making, and what their position was on issues. I think she dubbed herself personal envoy to the Pope, and after the Pope gave her speech this girl made one too. It was funny, but kind of annoying too. She's nice, and she looks like a John William Waterhouse painting, but she was a little much today. Still and all, there's something very sweet about a roomful of girls pretending to be a bunch of Medieval leaders.

Aurora Bouvier

While studying for my geology midterm, I came across a picture of the Northern Lights, and now I really really want to see them. They apparently happen from March to April, and I want to go to the arctic RIGHT NOW so I can see them.

Green Apples

I had a kind of rough day. I woke up to sleety snow when I had gone to bed with beautiful spring weather. The series finale of The L Word aired last night, and so I looked for it online, but the video on youtube cut out the last ten minutes. Rather than leaving well enough alone, I searched around online, and got hit with wicked amounts of spyware. Tech services at Smith isn't supposed to help you if you didn't buy your computer through the school store, but the guy helped me anyway, which was incredibly wonderful of him. He fixed it, and so he is my hero.
The day wasn't completely bad, I even got my rainboots in the mail. They are very beautiful, and they have the additional benefit of being a standard issue item here at Smith. I like having original stuff, but there's a certain undeniable pleasure in having something that everyone else has, and everyone here has rainboots. Some people have practical forest green, some people have funky colors, but everyone has them. I opted for funky colors, my boots are covered with stained-glass style roses, like in Beauty and the Beast. Aside from the joys of conformity, rainboots are also darn practical, especially when it insists on snowing in March. I walked through slushy snow and mud without soaking my jeans, which is nothing short of amazing. My life will never be the same.
There was a really nice picture of Joshua Jackson in the Style section of the Sunday Times yesterday, and now it's on my wall. I bought the paper expecting to cut out a lot of pictures for my walls, but my Arts section was sadly crumpled. It was worth it though, I've really missed having a physical copy of the newspaper. Reading it online doesn't even come close.
I took a bunch of green apples from the dining hall at dinner tonight. They remind me of Geneseo, all of my friends love green apples. I don't actually, I prefer red, but greens tend to be less mealy, which is nice. They're sitting on my bookshelf, next to my ceramic bananas, and they look quite nice.

I Cannot Believe This

I'm going to wear a bathing suit in front of a boy I like. My mind is boggling, I don't think I've done that since...possibly since I've liked a boy. It's fairly easy to avoid, but here I am. Gah. Thank goodness I've been running and doing yoga.

More Brain Issues

Walking to the gym today it occurred to me that I always feel slightly guilty when I'm consciously happy at college. I think it's probably carry-over from last year. It's sort of screwed up, and it makes me wonder if I would make a good therapist afterall. I don't mind the guilt per se, that is, I don't blame anyone, but I can kind of see CWB's point about how we were too in each other's skin. I don't know, I think things were handled badly, but hindsight is 20/20. Now all I can do is try to be aware of this guilt and get over it because I know I deserve to be happy.
I'm in the middle of a Jude Law marathon. It started with Cold Mountain, and today I watched Closer. I love that movie, but it's sort of insane. It makes adult life seem deeply depressing, even the woman that gets to be with Clive Owen is miserable. I have I Heart Huckabees for later, and I'm kind of excited. I hated it the first time, but maybe I'll like it this time. I love Jason Schwartzman. But first, a shower.
I bought two posters today at the surplus store. My Chagall poster has decided it will never stick to the wall again, and so I gave up on it. I like these new posters, one of them is a man made of vegetables, like in the book The Three Golden Keys.

Meeting of the Minds

I cannot make my unconscious mind bend to my will, and it's very frustrating. (This is a dream post, feel free to skim or skip it.) So in my dream I went to Geneseo on the PVTA bus for dinner. I was wandering around, and I heard someone shout my name. I couldn't see who it was, they were too far away, but you would think it would be one of my pals right? The person that ran up to me and gave me a big hug like a lost family member, they should be someone I at least like, right? Apparently not, because it was CWB. She ran up to me, and gave me a big hug, and I did one of those jumping up legs around their waist hugs, cuz in my dream I was straight thrilled to see her. (She collapsed under my weight though and we fell. OOOH! Symbolism!) But then Nicole showed up with this really cute guy that looked kind of like Elliot, but that she introduced as their friend from camp. He had gone to Harvard, but he said he liked to hang out at Geneseo and camp nowadays because it makes him happy. We all went back to Nicole's room, and we were watching tv, and I asked where Dana was. They told me she was at a wake for a counselor and two campers that had been killed in a rock slide at Weona, and then complained that their deaths had caused camp to be closed for the weekend. Either Nicole or the new boy pointed out that the staff person that had died was just the arts and crafts director, and that they could replace them without any problem (it wasn't Mari, it was the arts director from a few years ago). Dana showed up after a while, and I couldn't see her face, but I hugged her around the legs (I was sitting on the floor and she was standing.)
The rest of the dream is sort of unnecessary, but the annoying thing was the CWB part. I woke up wishing things were different between us, and I know that if I saw her I would probably react pretty positively because it would be instinct. That isn't what I want though, everyone has a line, and we are so far past the line, there really isn't any going back. When I talked to Paul about it (not at length because that would be inappropriate, but just so he'd quit asking) he was shocked we weren't friends anymore, he said we had been like sisters. He always was a diplomat. Dreams always make me miss people, but that's because they don't accurately portray people. I wish people were still in my life, but if things had stayed good they still would be. That's cold comfort though, and I know I'm going to spend the rest of the day missing my friend.

Confused Thinking

We're studying eating disorders in Child Clinical Psych. It's depressing, but I know a lot of it already because it's been so covered in Health, Abnormal, Child Development and Adolescent Development. It makes me feel very conflicted, because the pictures of women with anorexia are gross, but they make me feel very fat. I know I've been more aware of what I eat since we've been on this section. Smith women come in all shapes and sizes, but apparently there's an issue with women here exercising too much. And not in a women-can't-run-marathons-because-their-uteruses-will-fall-out way, in an unhealthy, compulsive exercising way. What I think is interesting though, is that you are allowed to swipe your card into multiple dining halls for every meal. (When every meal costs $11 they had better make a lot of food available I guess.) I had a professor at Geneseo describe how people with bulimia would go to all the dining halls because they could binge and no one would know how much they had eaten. I wonder if that's a problem here. We had a guest lecturer in class today (Lauren Greenfield), and she said 1/7 women have eating disorders at some point. I know...two former bulimics off the top of my head, one girl that has had issues with anorexia, there are probably more that aren't as upfront about their illnesses, but still. It's shocking.
Anyway, I feel bad though, because I'm seeing JA this weekend, and my first instinct when he told me he was going to be in town was "I wish I had had more notice, I would've eaten less this week." And worked out more. Also my knees are all scabby, and I'm kind of broken out, but the food thing was the first thing that occured to me. "Now I need to get to the gym tonight and work off my dinner." That's so not the way I should think. I'm excited to see him though. He said he would take Flora for break, which is a great weight off my mind. I'm glad he's coming, I had sort of given up on him.

Thinking

I wonder if it would be possible to somehow do The Rescue of Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers AND go to Alumni weekend. According to Facebook Geni is going to do it, but she has the advantage of living in Geneseo. I would have to get to Geneseo, get to Syracuse, get back to Geneseo, and then get back to Northampton, all in a three day period. I'm not sure it's possible. Honestly, I'm not positive it's worth it, I would be on the bus for about sixteen hours each way. Still, I'm curious about whether it can be done. Once I know that, I can decide if it should be done.

Belonging

I don't belong anywhere. Geneseo didn't feel right, but I had friends there, and now I don't even belong there with them anymore. I don't know how to fit in, I don't know how to break barriers and develop real friendships. I know I'm in the right place intellectually, but I'm not connecting with anyone. We had a game night in Wilson tonight, and I went because I love games, and I was hoping to meet other game-lovers. Apples to Apples is a lot of fun, but all of my interactions with people are pretty superficial. The girls are all so affectionate with each other, and it makes me very aware of the face that the only physical contact I've had for ages has been my yoga instructor helping me get into a pose. I want a friend, but I don't know how to get one. I pretty much figured you find one when you find one, like a boyfriend. If that's the case though, I could go the rest of my college career without making a real friend. I don't know how to be proactive about this, I've been trying, but it isn't working. My natural awkwardness isn't helping. I pretty much need someone to decide to befriend me, cuz I'm shy until I'm approached. I had a huge giant conversation with this one girl from my hall because she sat with me at dinner and I hadn't talked to anyone all day so my words were all pent up. I don't think I'm going to get a friend group like the one I had at Geneseo, I wouldn't have been able to build one like that without coming in with a couple of friends. It sucks that I can't go visit, but I think I would be pretty gutted if I went back and they had turned my spot in the group into a sewing room or something. It's probably better to not go back.

I Love My Job

I got to make sushi today at work. It was messy, and I wasn't very good at it, but darned if I didn't have fun. We even had a guest chef in the kitchen, and he was all decked out in chef clothes. I didn't eat at Wilder, I don't like sushi, but I like it when I get to work with food for my whole shift. Sometimes they run out of jobs for me and I have to wash dishes or scrub pots, but we were mad busy today. I haven't gotten paid in a while, but sushi making was very fun anyway.
I have a ride home for spring break, which is very exciting. I'm a little worried about the long drive with a former high school classmate, but I'm sure it will work out. He's was nice enough then, and he's giving me a ride, so I'm not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. Now I just need to find someone to take the lovely and easy-to-care-for Flora, and I'll be all set.

Musing

All I've had to eat today was pb&j and pizza. That, plus my skinned knees and having a snow day today makes me feel like a third grader. Except I voluntarily took a nap today, which no self-respecting third grader would ever do.

Safe

Another sophomore at Geneseo died over the weekend, that's two this year. I'm not sure how he died, but someone said something about pledging, so I'm guessing it was alcohol-related. I want to wrap all my friends in bubble wrap, or stick them in tupperware, people are so fragile. This guy was Clarence's roommate last year, that's too close to my network for comfort. I have a vague memory of going to Clarence's room and seeing this boy playing a video game with his girlfriend. Even if Clarence didn't like him and they fought about hot sauce and condoms, it's still so sad that he's dead. I didn't know the girl that died in the fall at all, but this person had connections to my life. He lived with my good friend, and he was good friends with my friend Marie. And this holds up another upsetting mirror to the world I want to treat as normal. So many of my friends engage in risky drinking behavior. I don't think about it as being dangerous most of the time, but it is. And in two weeks they'll be binge drinking on Spring Break, the two for one deal. I don't want anything to happen to them. Losing two people from a year is a lot, Geneseo isn't that big. I just want people to be safe. It's so easy for bad things to happen. Most of my close friends are pretty careful, but just going running outside with your iPod on, or going out to a party can kill you. That's really scary.

Mystery Girl

There's a girl in my hall that I am sort of curious about. I've never seen her outside of Wilson, and I've never seen her dressed in anything but the same pair of Eeore pajamas. She doesn't speak, and I don't know her name. When I see her at meals she is eating by herself, and she is usually eating the same thing, four or five plain English muffins. She lives on my floor, so she must be a first year, but she doesn't seem like the other first years. She's sort of unkempt looking, maybe because I've never seen her in real clothes, but she doesn't seem like she belongs in college. There's a seventeen year old sophomore on the rugby team that seems older than this girl. (Honestly, seventeen. She looks like Neville Longbottom too, which I don't mean in a bad way as much as a descriptive way. I'm not saying she's unattractive, because that isn't it. She's just very butch, but in the way that makes her look like an adolescent boy. (Please no one yell at me for trying to be descriptive. I don't really get the whole butch thing. I know it isn't trying to be like a man, but I don't know what to make of her.) She's nice, I like her, but she makes me feel very dumb and old. I'm twenty and a sophomore. I'm three years older than her! She was sixteen when she started at college!) But back to this girl in my hall. My interest in her doesn't extend to wanting to talk to her, but I think she's interesting in her own weird way. Even Meg, the astonishingly friendly House President doesn't talk to her, which makes me wonder if she even exists. Meg is so friendly I can't imagine her not talking to this Eeore girl if she could see her. Maybe I've just gone round the twist. Probably not.
Sidenote: Did anyone ever see that old show "Round the Twist"? I thought it was Canadian, but a quick Google showed that it was actually Australian. Not to be all erratic in my thought processes, but the expression made me think of it. I don't actually think I'm imagining this girl, I think she's probably just a little socially neglected because she's so quiet and sort of greasy looking. Maybe I'll talk to her.

Truth

I've been thinking about it, and either girls are big liars, or I'm abnormally mean. A few weeks ago when I still hung out with the transfers, Olga asked us to go around and say what our first impressions of each other had been. That's dangerous territory to begin with, it's either blatant compliment fishing, or it's looking for an excuse to say something catty. I bowed out, claiming I don't remember first impressions once I get to know people. It's only a partial lie, I only remember first impressions when they're dramatic, and usually only with men. (I remember meeting Marco because he's stunning and said he would take care of me at my first rugby party, I remember meeting Chase because...well...grandparents read this blog, but Chase is a Character, and my first impression was memorable. There's one former rugger (driven from the pitch by his ex-girlfriend who he can't stand to be within 69m x 100m of), who is perfectly nice, but who made such a terrible first impression on me that I could never look at him without feeling sort of disgusted and pitying. He taught me to never ever ever do a haircut though, for which I am grateful.)
So I didn't play the Say-Nice-Things-Or-Indulge-In-Cattiness game. I didn't really think about any of the girls that were playing when I first met them anyway. They all went around though, and they went the nice route, though it was pretty evident that they hadn't really given me a lot of thought either. That isn't my point though. When a girl is asked to describe another girl one of the first things she says is that she's pretty or cute, or something to that effect. I do it too, I've been called on it before, because it's so common it isn't actually helpful in giving a mental image. If you don't think someone is pretty though, and you say it, you sound awful. You seem super mean, and people assume you have some deep problem with this person, when that isn't necessarily the case. (I don't do this, I cave to social norms and just say everyone is pretty. It doesn't hurt me in any way, and for that matter I don't typically describe particularly unattractive people.) I'm not railing against the system here, because I understand why people have to be nice in order to be able to live together. What I don't understand is why people pretend to want to hear the truth when they clearly don't. Even then, when I thought I might want to be friends with these girls, had I told the truth about them I would've been out on my ear before you could say knife. So am I just mean? I don't say these things out loud, but do other people notice when someone's body spray, or hair gel or whatever it is smells so strong you know they've been in a room even hours later? Or when someone is smoking and maybe coincidentally, maybe not, also always upwind? I'm happy to look past these things, but I still notice them. I notice nice things too, but because almost everyone puts on the nice front I can't tell if I'm abnormally bitchy. But that doesn't mean I want you to tell me if I am.