Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I don't belong anywhere. Geneseo didn't feel right, but I had friends there, and now I don't even belong there with them anymore. I don't know how to fit in, I don't know how to break barriers and develop real friendships. I know I'm in the right place intellectually, but I'm not connecting with anyone. We had a game night in Wilson tonight, and I went because I love games, and I was hoping to meet other game-lovers. Apples to Apples is a lot of fun, but all of my interactions with people are pretty superficial. The girls are all so affectionate with each other, and it makes me very aware of the face that the only physical contact I've had for ages has been my yoga instructor helping me get into a pose. I want a friend, but I don't know how to get one. I pretty much figured you find one when you find one, like a boyfriend. If that's the case though, I could go the rest of my college career without making a real friend. I don't know how to be proactive about this, I've been trying, but it isn't working. My natural awkwardness isn't helping. I pretty much need someone to decide to befriend me, cuz I'm shy until I'm approached. I had a huge giant conversation with this one girl from my hall because she sat with me at dinner and I hadn't talked to anyone all day so my words were all pent up. I don't think I'm going to get a friend group like the one I had at Geneseo, I wouldn't have been able to build one like that without coming in with a couple of friends. It sucks that I can't go visit, but I think I would be pretty gutted if I went back and they had turned my spot in the group into a sewing room or something. It's probably better to not go back.