Waiting

So the rugby clinic was really fun. The trainer really knew her stuff, and it was nice to work out with the team a little. I fell and skinned my knees (Who plays rugby on a tennis court? As if the squash courts weren't bad enough.) but I was very tough about it. It's sort of awful looking, but not too painful.
For those of you that didn't know, I love the movie Cold Mountain. I think it's incredibly romantic, and it's historical, and full of Old South charm and Jack White playing the mandolin. It also makes me think that it's possible for people that didn't know each other very well to be loyal to each other through a long separation. The characters in this movie barely even spoke before Jude Law went to fight in the Civil War, but they thought about each other all the time, and he walked across the South with a hole in his neck to get to her. My situation isn't really comparable, obviously times have changed since the fictionalized-for-a-romantic-drama-movie-Civil-War, but the movie makes me think it's a possibility. They didn't even correspond very much, he only got two letters from her, and she didn't hear from him at all. True, it's easier to keep in touch these days, but I can ignore that when it gets in the way of the fantasy. I can't have a real relationship right now anyway, I'm going to Utah this summer, I live in NoHo most of the time, and Buffalo the rest, there's no home base where this boy could live and see me with enough regularity that I wouldn't over-analyze and ruin things. It's nice to have this idea of a boy though. I think the women's college experience would be a lot harder if I didn't have even the possibility that there was a boy waiting. In any event, I need to do homework so I can go watch this movie, cuz now it's on my mind.

Done

I don't think it's worth confrontation, but I don't want to see Ruth or Olga anymore. They aren't even remotely socially rewarding to spend time with, I would rather be alone than be with them. This is going to mean changing my schedule a little bit, but not in any way that will ruin my quality of life, or even effect me very much at all. I'll just eat Saturday brunch in Kings, and Tuesday and Thursday breakfast in Cushing, and I'll be in the clear. I don't even know why they sit with me, they don't like me. They don't talk to me, they don't wait until I'm done eating to leave, it's very annoying, because all they really do is sit at my table and make me feel unwelcome. I don't think I'll ever have to deal with them again after this semester though, so that's good. They're staying in the Quad, and I'm really hoping for Green or Elm Street.
Aside from unwanted social contact though, brunch was good. I had TWO bowls of oatmeal, it was glorious.

Surprise!

I couldn't think of a good lolcat for a possum, I'm very disappointed in myself. I saw one by the Campus Center last night, it was nuts. I don't know if I had ever seen a live possum before.

Anything Popping?

I almost couldn't sleep last night, my brain was going a mile a minute. I might have to put IC on the back burner for this semester. I want to talk to my HP about getting some interest, at least in The Rescue, and go from there. I talked to a girl that takes Swahili, she said it's easy, and she offered to sell me her textbook and tutor me.
I won't bore you all by posting every time I have an amazing yoga class, but I had a great one today. It was harder than Tuesday, but I loved it. I didn't call Lindsey, but she was there, along with her roommate and her roommate's sister. They were really nice, but it isn't crucial that you go with a friend. I don't think about anyone else when I'm doing yoga, it's very peaceful. We got sandwiches after class, but in a to-go sort of way, I ate mine in the library. It was delicious too, and it came with a nice spicy pickle.
I had a really nice day, but I'm so glad it's the weekend. I have a project due Monday, and some...other...work? Probably. There's a rugby clinic on Saturday, but that's pretty much it as far as plans go. I'd like to do some more rugby socializing, but I'm fine taking it as it comes. I think we'll probably at least get dinner after the clinic.
Things are good right now. I was going to go to the gym, but I think I'll go home instead. I want to go to yoga tomorrow morning, so I think I'll just shower and hydrate tonight. I'm glad I'm at Smith.

Boys Are Buttheads

The stupid jerk rugby men have changed the date for Alumni Weekend so now it conflicts with The Rescue of Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers. If I was in Geneseo I would totally yell at them. They also have it conflicting with Relay For Life, I don't know what they're thinking. I can't miss The Rescue, but I really really want to go to Alumni. It's sort of funny, because part of the reason I want to go is to see the boys, but I'm furious with them. I don't like them as much now that I'm not at Geneseo, I was looking at some pictures of the team on Facebook and they seem really gross and stupid. I want to see the girls' team though, and maybe get some time with JA if that's still going on in the spring. Stupid men's rugby ruins everything.
In other news, I've decided to take Swahili as my language. It makes sense, I want to go to Africa if I do the Peace Corp., and if I have some French and Swahili that's presumably where they'd send me. They offer it as U Mass, so I think I'll do that next year. It's part of my master plan to develop a bunch of unmarketable skills and be homeless. I was talking to my friend Erica earlier tonight, and she has a similar plan. She keeps changing majors, everything sparks her interest and enthusiasm, it's amazing. I love psych, but I'm not ready to commit. It's like marrying your high school sweetheart, I'm just starting my life, I want to do as much as possible.

Fasting

I'm someone that loves to eat, I don't mind admitting it. I enjoy food. The food at Smith is pretty good too, and I've gotten into an eating schedule that seems to work. I have energy to do my work and exercise, I eat dinner early because it's better for you, it's a good routine. Fasting today was not fun. I was ok for the morning, even though I'm big into breakfast. I figured I would just sleep late, so that worked out in my favor actually. Everything was fine until I went to Mass to get my ashes. A communion wafer is probably like one calorie, but it was enough to make my stomach growl all through Geology. It was sort of embarrassing, even if I don't know that anyone could hear it. The dinner options weren't great tonight, so I decided to just eat in my house because it was easiest. Breakfast for dinner is a lot less fun when you can't have the hot cross buns or chocolate chip pancakes, but I was really happy to eat anything. And now I'm full, so that's good. So here's my question: Should I consider peanut butter and jelly a sweet? I sometimes have a half a pb&j on white bread for dessert (don't judge), and it's certainly sweet. I didn't have one today, I'm still deliberating on whether it counts or not. I'm really glad there's so much fruit here, hopefully I'll get used to the whole fruit-as-dessert thing.

Friend Crush

Picture a white rabbit with a pierced eyebrow and blue eyes (and pretty, she's pretty, just sort of lapine looking.) and that's Lindsey. She is pretty much awesome, and I want to be her friend like whoa. We went to hot room yoga tonight (Not Bikram though, it's just yoga in a warm room. I loved it, it's better than Bikram.), and she's on rugby, and she wants to join the CIA after college, and she's awesome. I haven't felt this interested in anyone since I've been at Smith, I actually am really curious about her, and I could see her being a good friend. We might be yoga pals, we both really love the class. That would be great, cuz then we'd have that background before the season even started. She's going abroad next year (all year. boo.), but there's the whole semester still, which is nothing to sneeze at. I'm really hopeful this is going to be an actual friendship. I'm worried that I'm going to mess this up, I respond to almost everything she says with "That's great!" or, "That's so cool!", which sounds sort of insincere, but is actually not. Everything she said at dinner was actually cool and great, except for her stories about her pets dying (I responded appropriately to those stories though.).
Yoga was amazing. I bought a week's worth of classes, and I fully intend to buy more, cuz it is so bomb awesome. The instructor is great, he walks around the room during the class and helps you with the poses. This caused me to fall on my head at one point, but he took me by surprise, I'll be ready for it next time. I was sort of embarrassed at first, because I was the least dressed person in the room in my shorts and sports bra, but I got over it right away. It's hot in there, I don't get how people were comfortable in long yoga pants. I want to go back tomorrow, but I can't. I'll be there Thursday though. I don't know if it's easier than Bikram, but it is very very rewarding.

Four

So I posted before that four people said they would come to my meeting, and I was super happy with that number. Three people ended up coming, but with me that makes four. It's a start. Four people can change the world. There were four Beatles, there were only three original film makers that started the Invisible Children movement, four is nothing to sneeze at. I was sort of frustrated that so many people flaked out, but maybe they'll come next time. I honestly don't think anyone could possibly know about the child soldiers and atrocities committed by the LRA and not care. It's just a matter of educating people.
I was sort of sad after the meeting, we watched the movie and it made me cry, even though I had seen it before, so I went to the gym. I think I've turned some sort of corner, running made me feel better. I was actually comforted by running, by the time I got off the treadmill I felt like I had jumped the first hurdle, I had the interest meeting, and people showed up, and that is something to be proud of. I missed going to the gym last week, it makes life better. I'm going to yoga tomorrow, which is exciting. Exercise makes things seem more possible, I'm not sure why.

Yoga

One of the ruggers told me they have Bikram Yoga in Northampton (I shouldn't be surprised, but I couldn't find it before when I Googled it.) and so I just made myself a big Master Schedule to see when I can go, and how many classes I should sign up for. According to my figurings, I can go three times a week once rugby starts, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I could go twice on Friday, second classes in the same day are free, but I still have practice, and so that would be three hours of yoga and then two of rugby all in one day. Then again, I don't know if I'll be able to go on Saturdays once games and tournaments start. They have a seven day package that is very tempting for before rugby starts, $20 for as many classes as you can take in seven consecutive days. I think I'll try that, and then go from there. I'm excited about this, I love hot yoga. It's good for you too, and I bet it would help with training. Maybe I'll be able to go with Lindsey (the rugger), that would be nice. She has a lot of potential for friendship, I like her a lot. She's going to Russia next year, but for the time being...I want a rugby buddy.
I was going to go to the gym today, I've been very lazy this past week, but I changed my mind. It's snowing really hard, I don't want to leave my house before I absolutely have to. If the weather was less gross I would walk over to the yoga studio and go before work. Instead I'm holing up in my room and doing homework until tea. The snow is so wet I can hear it falling.

Party

I went to my first Smith party last night. I had pretty low expectations, but it was pretty fun. There was a long line, I waited outside in the cold for forty minutes, but it wasn't too bad. I went with a rugby girl from my house. She's nice enough, and I was really appreciative of her letting me tag along with her. There weren't very many boys, and they weren't very cute, but I danced with some rugby girls. I wanted to dance with a boy, and one finally came over towards the end of the night. He had already made out with another girl from the team, and he was dripping sweat. It was gross, he got his sweat all on me. I danced with him anyway, but it wasn't that nice. The nicer part of the evening was when the party ended and we went back to this girl's apartment. We hung out for a couple of hours, and it was very chill and nice. It was what I wanted from rugby, I don't need amazing exciting goings on, I just like having people to talk to and hang out with. They dubbed me "Geneseo", which isn't that creative a nickname, but I don't mind it. My especial favorite girl was the one that had made out with the boy I danced with. She's very fierce and sort of intimidating, but so so nice. She said I could call her whenever I want and we can hang out, even if it's just sitting together while we do homework. AND she likes men, so she said we would find men's rugby to watch sometime. It was very nice.

Thin and Girl Culture

I didn't feel ready to do my homework, so I decided to go see the rest of the "Thin and Girl Culture" exhibit at SCMA. I had seen some of it before, but only for a few minutes, as I had shown up right before they closed. It didn't bother me that much then, but I could hardly stand it today. I had to stop reading the stories next to the photographs, I was worried about throwing up. It was really awful, I was sweating I was so agitated. I didn't want to leave though, I felt very strongly about sticking through and seeing everything there. My professor told us to go to the exhibit, but she said she would understand if we couldn't for personal reasons, as the images are very disturbing. I don't like being That Girl though, the one that couldn't take it. I was one time, I excused myself from class in...seventh? eighth grade? when we were supposed to watch Schindler's List, and I've always felt a little embarrassed about it. So I forced myself to look at every picture.
There were a lot of upsetting ones, but the ones that sort of struck me were the spring break pictures. They were from Panama City in Florida, and that's where Geneseo people do spring break. I've seen pictures just like those, except on Facebook, not in an exhibit with a big unspoken BAD sign. The boys look like normal boys that I could know, like they could be in Sammy's...or on rugby. It freaked me out. I don't approve of the whole Spring Break culture, I think it's gross. People go away and are drunk for a straight week, and then come home with bronchitus and infect the whole campus. I didn't really think it was BAD though, just stupid. I don't think of those guys that I know, the doubles for the men in the photographs, as BAD and objectifying of women, just sort of doofy and not always nice. The boy in the picture in the dark shorts looks so much like Marco, even if it isn't him.
I wish I was at winter 7s today, instead of going to that stupid exhibit. I would much rather spend a day playing rugby with my wonderful ruggers, and then go to the Geneseo Invisible Children Displace Me than see pictures of sick women that hate themselves and go to a stupid party at Jordan House by myself.
I really resent the Smith rugby team for not being as nice as the Geneseo team. I don't care about winning, the Smith team is great techniquely, but I was really hoping they would be a source for friends and so far they aren't. They all hang out, they're a very bonded team, but that doesn't do me any good as long as they don't invite me. I wish I had a rookie class.
That stupid exhibit has really put me out of sorts.

Dieting

I feel like the Smith dining system is making me fat. Supposedly people eat more when they eat with other people, but I don't think that's true here. I seem to eat less when I eat with other people because I base my portions on what they take, and people here take small portions. I eat alone a lot of the time though, and so I am worried I'm eating too much. I am trying to be more aware, but I also don't want to go on a diet right now, because it's almost Lent. I'm giving up sweets this year, but that isn't very meaningful if I already gave them up out of vanity.
I caved and read all of New Moon today, even though I said I would just read Twilight. I feel very silly, but I couldn't help myself. I might as well admit it, I'm going to read the other two now. I liked this book more than Twilight, even though it's generally people's least favorite because the leader character spend the entire book in an almost catatonic depression. I like the werewolf character, he's much more appealing to me than the vampire love interest. I find epic loves sort of boring actually, I'm more interested in the people that don't have obvious destinies. Plus, I have a sort of weakness for Native American stuff, and the werewolf is an American Indian. One of the reasons I'm sorry I won't get to go to Minnesota this summer is it is a program that is all about the Ojibwe.

I'm Going to Utah!

The ranger called me earlier tonight. It's very exciting. I would have liked to see if I got into any other programs and made a choice then, but I like having things settled. It sounds great, I'm really excited. It's been too long since I was last out in the wilderness.
I spent a lot of time tonight whining about being lonely, but I feel much better now. I went downstairs and watched "Grey's Anatomy" which isn't as good as "House" or "ER", but is popular anyway. It was sort of social at least, there were five or six other girls watching too. I also asked a girl if she would like to go rock climbing this weekend, but she's going out of town. I'm really trying though, which I think should count for something. There's a party on Saturday, and I think I'm going to go. I don't think it will be like the parties I'm used to, but I don't care. I don't want slobbery boys or really drunk people, I just want to get out of my room.
Somewhere along the line life fell into place. It's so reassuring to have a plan for the summer. It makes everything seem easier. Of course I'll be able to do my school work, and I'll get into grad school and have a nice life doing good things with pleasant people. Why wouldn't I?
I want JA to txt me tonight. He is just the right amount of boy for me. I don't like having a boy around all the time, I get tired of boyfriends pretty quickly. That Guy has been sending me Facebook messages this week. He's taking a job as a live-in nanny, which strikes me as very odd. I don't know if I like hearing from him or not. I think about him sometimes and feel sorry. Not for breaking up with him, but for not being kinder. It wouldn't have cost me anything to be more patient, or understanding. I can be very hurtful sometimes and it's distressing because I try so hard to be nice.

Pants

When I was younger, I don't remember how old I was exactly, let's say...fourth grade, I decided jeans with holes in the knee were the coolest things ever. My jeans did not have holes though, and so I cut holes in them. That didn't look right though, so it was sort of a letdown. No one even noticed, I went home with a whole story planned to explain how my jeans came to be ruined, but my parents didn't even realize I had cut them. I don't know if I was expecting them to exclaim at how bitchin my jeans looked, or yell at me, but I ended up telling them that I fell and tore my jeans without getting as much as a scratch on my knee. Weirdly enough, they didn't buy it, and my grandmother took matters into her own hands by turning the jeans into cutoff shorts, which didn't actually make them any less ruined. I still have a pair of hole in the knee jeans that I like to wear sometimes, but only because they have a lot of sentimental value. Emily and I fought long and hard over who they belonged to before my mom ruled that I could have them on the basis of my wearing them on my first date with That Guy. When I came to Smith I brought the jeans, but I also brought some tight party jeans, and some normal jeans to wear every day like a cartoon character. My party jeans were pretty old, and from Delias which is known for crappy pantsmanship, but I was still deeply annoyed when I split the knee out, as it meant my pants supply was getting dangerously grunge.
I still had my trusty every day jeans though, and so I didn't take any drastic measures like going to the store. Until today. I was chalking for my Invisible Children interest meeting, and I split the knee of my beloved jeans. They were totally basic, unremarkable even, but I was complimented on them on multiple occasions. I feel naked now that they are gone, even though I am obviously wearing other pants and am not actually naked. I don't have class on Friday, so I'm going to take the PVTA to Old Navy and buy some new pants, but they will be like the puppy those kids get after they have to shoot Old Yeller. It just won't be the same. I'm listening to the Weepies song "The World Spins Madly On", not for my pants really, but I think it's sort of funny that I'm playing this sad song about things changing while I blog about jeans.
Tonight at rugby I realized that I associate the word "try zone" with "Marco". I think this is hilarious, not in part because I bet Marco would think it was pretty funny too. Also, just for the "what the heck??!" factor. I've been playing rugby for years, but somehow Marco is so in my head he is associated with the ultimate goal of the sport I love. It isn't because I still like him, I got over that a while ago, but he's a great rugby player, and he does score a lot of tries. I feel like this isn't the right audience to be as amused my this as I think it deserves, but I don't know what that audience would be.

Four

Four people are "attending" my Invisible Children meeting according to Facebook. This is good. Three have declined, I'm waiting on a few more. Four though...I only just made the event, this is a good sign. I'll buy chalk tomorrow and spread the word all over campus. It would be a lot easier to advertise if I wasn't the only club member, but I'll do my best. I feel good about this.

Apathy

I am a little worried that I don't know enough people to get this club off the ground. The people that I do know don't seem very interested, Olga told me point blank she doesn't like to learn about war or politics because it depresses her and she can't make a difference. What the hell. We're at Smith! What is she doing here if she doesn't want to make a difference? My current plan is to just do whatever it takes to get butts in seats at the interest meeting. I'll take down names and pull a Chichikov and just use their names when I submit my request to be a recognized club. Hopefully people will want to join, but that's my fallback. Even though it would be incredibly discouraging if I was the only member of the club, I don't think I would be able to accomplish very much. Right now I'm trying to get the word out as best as I can, hopefully some people will have heard of the cause already and want to be a part of this.
I got my Black is For Sunday DVD and bracelet in the mail today. I went to one of the little viewing rooms in the library and watched it right away. I can understand people not caring as long as they are ignorant, but I feel like anyone that sees these movies would have to want to become involved and help. I'm going to try to get the women's rugby team on board, and I'll recruit in my house. I'm glad I got the Sunday bracelet, but I have three black things on my left wrist now (watch, hair tie, bracelet), and I'm starting to look kind of emo.
Training is going well. I was supposed to do my long run yesterday, but instead I slept all day, so I'm doing it today. I did the math, and I have to run about sixteen miles this week. That seemed like a whole lot, until I remembered that a half marathon is thirteen miles, and you're expected to run it all at once. Then I felt tired. I'll get there though, it's just a matter of building.
I only have two days of class this week. I have today and Thursday, but my one Tuesday class is cancelled, Wednesday is Rally Day, and I never have classes on Friday. I'm going to be very brave and venture forth on the PVTA tomorrow. Flora is running low on food, and I need sidewalk chalk to advertise for my interest meeting. I think it will be fun too, it'll be an adventure. Olga wants to come too, she wants to go to the mall, but then I'll have to wait all day because she has classes. My efforts towards making new friends are going ok, I watched movies with a girl from my history class on Valentines Day. She isn't an ideal friend candidate, but maybe she could introduce me to people that I would like more. It's all about networking, it's very hard to make friends in a vacume. Olga isn't so bad, but I really can't shake the feeling that she and Ruth talk about me behind my back. This isn't just paranoia, she's mentioned things they have said about me, and she certainly never stops gossiping about other people when I'm around. She actually pulled up a girl's facebook profile for her boyfriend to illustrate how ugly she is, and then got mad when he defended the girl. The more I think about it, the more I don't think I'll be waiting for her to go to the store tomorrow.
I sent in my UB program application today. I'm short a recommendation, but I'll deal with that as it comes. I really want to go to Utah, UB is a backup.

Valentines

I was planning on sleeping until brunch today (so like 10:50, giving myself ten minutes to get dressed and so on), but Nicole called me at 10. My phone ringer is super loud, I almost hit the ceiling when it went off. It was great talking to Nicole, especially because I had been worrying that every time she had said she never expected to see me again (after CIT year of camp, and at various other times) she actually meant "This is it, stop calling me.". It's easy to feel paranoid when you don't have a lot of direct human contact for extended periods of time, but I feel bad for doubting her. It was a great phone conversation, Nicole is very good at putting me back on balance. I told her about Smith, and she told me a bit about Geneseo, and then we hung up and both went to brunch. Talking to Nicole actually helped me feel confident enough to approach some rugby girls and ask to eat with them. She pointed out that we weren't always friends, so I must have some friend-making abilities, which makes sense.
I don't really have a plan on the day, I should do some homework I guess, and I need to go to the gym. I might also go back to the SCMA to see the rest of the Thin exhibit. There is always something to do, even if it is just sitting in my window seat reading my library books. I feel much better today, things are good.

Angst

I haven't cried since I came to Smith, (I haven't cried since I thought I was going to live in Cutter actually) but I think I will soon. You can't uproot your life and move away from all of your friends and family without crying a little, and I don't have any friends here. I didn't talk to anyone face-to-face today until I was walking home from CVS (at about...7:30 at night) when a man asked me how to get to South Street. I almost started crying then and there. I'm ok now, but it was close, I also almost started when I went to see the Thin exhibit at SCMA, and it wasn't because the eating disorder pictures were sad (even though they are). There's a Dane Cook bit (I'm in college ok, Dane Cook is part of College Culture) about needing to cry that I've been thinking about. He is pretty funny, even if I feel embarrassed for admitting it. I hope I'll feel better afterwards, but that doesn't mean I want to jump right in and get it over with.
I'm IMing with Paul. He's a friend of Butter's that used to go to Geneseo, and we hung out a few times. He came on to me last year, but I wasn't interested (I think this was during the Goose-era, but maybe I was still stuck on Marco, who can remember?) so I passed him along to Chelsea. They danced around for a bit, but it never really happened, mostly because they weren't attracted to each other and were sort of humoring me/happy to have someone to make out with. He's finally coming out and saying that he likes me though, which I think is interesting. No one likes me more than Chelsea, but he does. He even said I could have stolen him from her if I wanted to, which was something I suspected, but would never ever have tried. I appreciate him telling me straight out that he liked me and was disappointed by my rejection. It's awful, but I sort of needed to hear someone that isn't in my immediate family tell me that they care about me. (That isn't awful, but being consoled by his admitting to carrying a torch, however dimmed, is. I bet he would still go for me if I felt like it (I don't, and I told Chelsea I wouldn't. I don't see how not being friends anymore voids that promise.).)
My stomach sort of hurts, which makes sense as I ate a whole box of raisinettes while watching I'm Reed Fish. I was hungry, and they are very delicious, possibly my favorite candy. The movie wasn't great, but it worked at making me less sad and focused on my failure to connect with anyone at Smith. I'm pretty tired now too, so it also killed time until I could go to bed and probably not wake up at 4 AM, ready to start my day.
This post is sort of a downer, I'm sorry. I'll try for something more upbeat next time.
I'm going to be brave and wish JA a happy Valentines Day tomorrow. Or, today, as it's past midnight. It's way easier to be brave when there is so little at stake, but he's the best I've got right now. I wish nice, attractive, friendly guys who like me did more for me. Paul is sort of weird, but probably harmless, and JA is great. I need to get my head in the game and like him more. Maybe if he comes to visit me.

Training Goals

I want to stick with this project. Rugby is going to sometimes interfere, but I want to be in shape to run a half marathon by the end of the semester. With that big umbrella goal, I also want to not get injured, and to keep all my toenails. I gimped home from the gym tonight with my right leg incredibly tight, but I don't think it's actually injured. I'm going to Icy Hot it up before bed, and do more of a cool down tomorrow. I wanted to stretch it out before walking home, but I was lazy and didn't go to the gym until late, so they were closing and kicked me out, and it was raining so stretching outside didn't appeal.
So I went searching for the Volunteer Office today, and it doesn't seem to exist. I walked all over, going where I was directed, but never finding it. I've come to the conclusion that there is no volunteer office, it's all a lie. It's vexing, but I'm over it for now. I'm calling some woman about Habitat this weekend, that'll tide me over.

Tradition

My life is officially as shaky as a fiddler on the roof-I didn't watch the Best in Show for the Westminster Dog show. I once made my boyfriend cut our Valentines Day date short so I could get home to see this dog show, but it just wasn't in the cards this year. I took my life in my hands by commandeering the house tv Monday night, Wilson girls love their Gossip Girl, and it was very awkward trying to explain why I should hold precedence over ten girls that have been living in the house, watching what they want all year. I was determined though, and so I got to see the Hounds, Terriers, and Non-Sporting, before I gave up and went to bed, missing the Herding group. I thought about trying again last night, I couldn't think of any wildly popular Tuesday night shows, but it isn't the same watching the show by myself. A few girls wandered ina nd out Monday night, but they weren't interested in the show at all. Last year I watched the whole thing on the crappy Steuben common room tv. You had to change channels manually, and the button would stick or not work, it was kind of frustrating, especially because I didn't know the stations, so I had to surf around. The first night I watched with Clarence and Chelsea, we ate dried apricots and colored on coloring pages I had printed out for the occasion. It was a lot of fun, people would wander by and some of them actually sat and watched with us for a bit. There was one international student that watched most of the show with us. Clarence didn't come the second night, but Chelsea watched a bit more with me, in an instance of being a good friend that it would be churlish to not acknowledge.
I love Smith, I really do. Most of the time, 97% of the time, I'm just amazed at how happy I am to be here. Still, there is that 3% when I have some downtime and I realize that I don't have any friends here. None. I'm not even really pally with the other transfers anymore. There's always something to do, so it isn't a problem a lot of the time, but I'm a little nervous about what I'm going to do with myself this weekend. There aren't any good movies playing at the theater in town, and I don't feel comfortable taking the PVTA by myself. The transfers are all leaving to visit their boyfriends, so they aren't even available in a pinch. The dog show kind of reminded me of what I gave up when I left Geneseo. Things weren't great there, even at my most nostalgic I remember feeling isolated and lonely, but I had people that cared about me, and now I don't. I'll be fine, it's just hard to come in mid-year, but right now things are sort of lonely.

Hell on Earth

A few days after I first arrived at Smith I met a girl whose name I have since forgotten (Sarah maybe?) that said that Smith is Hell on Earth. This seemed like a weird thing to say to a table full of new transfers, but when I asked her why it was so awful, her reason was pretty reassuring. She said she hates Smith because the students are totally idealistic and think they can change the world. It seems like a weird thing to hate, but I guess it could be annoying to be surrounded by unrealistic optimism. I was thinking about her last night when I couldn't sleep though, because I think I probably have sort of unrealistic, or at least impractical ideas. I'm training for a half marathon, which is totally attainable, but it's still a big goal. I might need to veer off from the training guide when rugby starts, but I think it'll be good for me. That isn't the unrealistic idea though. I've been saying how I want to start an Invisible Children Club at Smith, but I haven't really been moving forward with that. I don't really know how to proceed, and I've been trying to get used to Smith and see how hard my classes are and how much time I have to spare for side projects. I was thinking about it last night though, and it suddenly occurred to me. I needed an idea for a project for the club, something to give us direction, and get some attention on the campus, and also something that could raise money. How could I organize a race for Uganda? Is that a thing that is possible? It would combine my two big goals for the semester, and I think it would be fun. It wouldn't be a half marathon, but maybe a 5 or 8k. I think there's a lot of potential there, I could maybe work the whole night commuting thing in too. The big thing I think, is to have a screening of the movie, just to get the club off the ground.
I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. I'm applying for SCA internships, but I'm also applying for this UB psychology summer camp internship. I don't know what I'll pick if I get accepted to both. The UB program is great sounding, it's working with kids, it's great for my resume, but I would rather do SCA. That seems irresponsible though, just like I know I should do my PRAXIS for psych, but I want to do it with Invisible Children. I love psychology, I really do, but I love a lot of things. I've been trying to think how I could use all the things I love, and I'm coming up with being a social worker in Africa. That has potential. I'd like to do that for a while, but I also want to have something more settled, I want to have a family and a bull terrier and all that jazz. I don't know if it's possible to do it all, but that damn Smith optimism that has me thinking I can save the world.

Mary Mary Quite Contrary

I can't tell if I'm disagreeing with everything Ruth says because I honestly disagree, or because I find her so unpleasant that I take pleasure in being difficult. Probably both. I know I should just ignore it, but honestly, who hates brunch? She says she hates brunch. They had an amazing brunch today, with chocolate chip pancakes and baked apples, and she was moaning about how the food here is so awful and she only likes Ethiopian food. It's annoying. I really cannot abide negative people. And I'm not making mountains out of molehills here, because she also insists that there's nothing to do at Smith, which is just plain wrong. There is SO much to do here, she just doesn't try at all. There are other things, she thought it would be funny to hit on an Ethiopian guy in the dining hall in front of his girlfriend because she thinks Ethiopian men shouldn't date white women and it would make the girlfriend feel insecure, even though she has a boyfriend, so it was just stirring up trouble to be a jerk. And she talks on the phone during meals. All in all, I don't like her. And I think I'm going to make a greater effort to make non-transfer friends, because I don't have anything in common with these girls. They were fine at first, but it isn't working out.
Spring is coming, it's in the air today. (Play the song while you read this bit, it's what's playing in my head. Yes, I'm pretentious.) I wore my rugby jacket to Mass today, and I'm sorely tempted to go running outside. I love spring so much, it really is my favorite season. I like that I transferred for the spring semester, it's a waking up sort of time, and I feel like I'm waking up too. I would have days (not a lot, but a few) at Geneseo where I felt like if I made my bed I had accomplished something. I have homework today, and I'm going to run four miles, (I know it isn't far, but you have to build up from somewhere.) and I have work tonight. These are little tiny baby steps, but I'm moving in the right direction. I sort of thought about just hopping on a PVTA bus last night, just to see where it would take me, which was the sort of thought I had at Geneseo a lot. The difference though, is that before I wanted to run away, but now I want to explore and come back with stories.

Ouch

I was having a kind of cranky day, so I decided to go for a walk. It was pretty warm today, and I've been exploring the campus a little this weekend, so it was nice. I ended up going to the rugby field. Rugby pitches are very special, the one at Geneseo was awful, but it has a place in my heart, and ruggers like to commune with the pitch. Girls go there to tan when it's warm, and going by the number of condoms that we've found on the field, it's a hot spot for other activities too. The Smith pitch is nice, it's flat and surrounded by a track, and I figured it was just the destination to pull me out of my funk. It was getting colder by the time I made it across campus, but I was determined, and kept at it, despite my lack of scarf or gloves. The pitch is set back in a field and up on a hill, but it looked like the snow was pretty shallow. I thought I could see the ground underneath, but I guess that was just an illusion. The snow was actually about calf-deep, and covered in just enough ice that I could fool myself into thinking it could support my weight. I recently saw a documentary about native Alaskans, and how they always let their dogs go out first to test the thickness of the ice. It's a good idea, and I thought about that as I broke through the crust. I was really set on getting to the rugby field though, so I pushed on, crashing through the ice at almost every step. It was kind of fun, it's exciting in a way, breaking through gives you a teeny rush. Of course, it also hurt a lot. I didn't give it a lot of thought, but the ice was very sharp, and my socks were getting all wet with what I assumed was snow that was melting in my shoes. I made it to the base of the hill, and since I had come that far, I refused to quit, even though the ice on the hillside was much slipperier and thicker. I tried to break through with every step so that I wouldn't fall, and I did make it to the top. It was sort of a hollow victory, I got to the top and it was an icy field. Yay. I carefully climbed down and made my way back to the path, and I thought that was it. I didn't think about it until I was undressing for the evening and noticed that my ankles up to my lower calf were covered in blood. Really caked in dried blood. It was pretty surprising actually, though I should've realized at the time that I was shredding my legs. I was worried about twisting my ankle, but it didn't occur to me that repeatedly falling through half-inch thick ice might result in some sort of scraping. It's pretty gory looking, though it's much better without all the dried blood. So as far as mood-lifting, that walk wasn't so great. It was kind of fun at the time, but it loses points for blood loss. Jewish Angel has been texting me though, so I'm bouncing back.
Looking at JA's Facebook pictures like a big creeper, I've reconsidered, and decided that he doesn't look that much like Goose. If I'm going to be totally honest, he isn't as attractive, but he's very nice. I keep being suspicious of his motives, but he just responds by being normal and treating me like a person and not a piece of meat. He said he's coming home (to Amherst MA) soon (in the next couple of weeks), and he'd really like to see me. Even if this never turns into a real thing I'm enjoying him. He makes me smile. I wouldn't call it a crush, but it's a warmpth. It's nice, because we have to move slowly, there's no alternative when he lives in Geneseo and I'm in Northampton. I'm not sure what he wants, but I kind of trust him.

Nothing Better

I keep marveling at and blogging about how happy I feel most of the time, but it's really great and I'm excited about it. Walking out of lunch, choco taco in my mittened hand, The Weepies coming in through my ear buds...I'm kind of worried that I'm not pacing myself, and everyone else is going to be sad cuz I used up all the happy.
I don't really think of myself as an organizer. I'm an enthusiastic participant, but I don't like being in charge. Smith seems determined to change that though, I'm trying to start a club, and today I was made group leader for my Environment class. We're doing an updated trial for Anne Anderson vs. Cryovac, Inc., et al., and I'm an attorney for the plaintiff. Which I guess makes me John Travolta, William H. Macy, or Tony Shalhoub. It's sort of exciting, I'm glad I got to be an attorney instead of a geologist (no offense Dana), or doctor. It has the most pretending, so even though I'm going to work very hard, it's more like a game.
Now it's the weekend (I love not having Friday classes, I hope to eventually use this time for volunteering at the campus school.) and things are good. Olga sort of apologized for the Friendly's thing, not very sincerely, but she at least invited me over to her room for tea later tonight. I have my first Tai Kwon Do class tonight, and an extra credit lecture, so life is full and happy.

Bitches

I had a good day today. Mondays and Wednesdays are busy, but I like them, and I had lunch with Emily's friend Andrea. It turned out that Gillett, where we ate, was having it's Legume Day, so lunch wasn't that tasty, but the company was nice. Andrea even hugged me, my first hug in weeks. My final textbook arrived today, which meant I got mail (the package alert card), a package (the textbook) AND a textbook. It was pretty great. There was a guy selling plants at the Campus Center today, and I really wanted one. He had all kinds of cacti and jade plants and orchids, but I still had two classes to go and I didn't want to carry a plant around all day. He'll be there again tomorrow though, so I might get one then. I like having plants in my room, and frankly, my ivy doesn't have enough character to be the only one.
My Medieval World quiz went well, I knew a lot more geography than I thought I did (also I studied a whole lot). The class was good too, we talked about the Crusades and a girl passed me a note! Like a friend! It was awesome. My reply made her laugh too, so maybe she'll do it again.
I took various steps towards accomplishing stuff today. I emailed Invisible Children about joining the Schools For Schools program, applied for a couple more SCA spots, and printed an application for a summer internship working at this UB summer camp for kids with ADHD. I was very optimistic and goal-oriented today, I felt full of energy and focus. It's something in the water here I guess, because it isn't because people here talk about all the sweet stuff they're doing, no one ever talks about internships or grad school or anything like that really. I just felt sort of inspired, but it was nice. What I would really like, is to do my PRAXIS with Invisible Children and go to Uganda. That would be the coolest thing ever in my life. But I feel good about things in general, Dana got into an SCA program today, good stuff is going around. I heard back from the Utah guy, he'll be doing interviews over the next few weeks. The UB thing could be really cool too. I'm sure I'll find something good to do this summer.
I went to the gym today because it's one thing to say I want to be able to run a half marathon by this summer, and another thing to put the work in and go work out. I go almost every day, but the days are so full here it feels like longer between workouts. It was good, I ran a bit, but they were strict about the thirty minute time limit.
It was breakfast for dinner tonight, which I always hated at Geneseo, but I liked it. I don't like pancakes, I'm a waffle girl all the way, but I could smell the pancakes all the way up in my room, and they smelled so good. It was a nice meal, I ate with some girls from my hall, and the pancakes were good, despite the non-maple syrup.
I had a great day. Really, it was a world-on-a-plate day. I'm really annoyed with the transfer girls for not calling me to tell me they were going to Friendly's to celebrate Ruth's birthday and making me cranky on my happy day. You know what though? I'm not going to dwell on it. Seriously. I'm going to watch last week's "House", and do some reading, and go to bed early because I'm tired and I have a crazy busy day tomorrow.
(Sidenote: Andrea said you cannot get to MassMoCA unless you have a friend with a car because it is like two hours away and the bus doesn't go there. So I can't go to the Hoedown. Sad. There will be other opportunities for dancing though, so that's another thing I'm letting go.)

House Meeting

"This is just like that scene from "101 Dalmatians" when all the puppies are crowded in the living room." I would've whispered, if I had a friend in my house. It wasn't even everyone, but a roomful of college women is a lot like a room full of dalmatians. It probably isn't as smelly, but the noise and fidgeting are close.

Feelin' Fine

I love my job. I thought I was going to be washing dishes, but I'm actually a sort of prep cook in Wilder, the Asian dining house. I got to cut up a bunch of tofu today, and shred chicken. For money. They're paying me to get kitchen experience. I doubt it will get me a job in a restaurant, but it's fun. The people are really nice too, I had a nice chat with the head cook about our cats. I keep telling myself I'll get used to things here and the shine will wear off eventually, but maybe it won't. I like having to slave over my school work, I like being busy, and running from work to Butts and Guts. (It was my first class today and I loved it. It's only a half hour long, but it's a good workout. I figure I can go to the gym after my morning class for cardio, and do this at night. At least on Tuesdays.) I'm excited about being busy. It makes me feel good. I have a lot of studying to do tonight, and a house meeting, but it's good. I think it's making the adjustment easier, I don't have the down time to feel lonely that I did at Geneseo.

Lazy Day

It's weird how small things are so important. I really appreciate it when strangers are nice to me. The night before I came to Smith I got Jim's Steakout for dinner and the guy there was really friendly. It didn't cost him anything, but I was freaking out about school, so it meant a lot. I split the knee of my jeans today, and I felt really uncomfortable going to church with holes in my pants. I felt like everyone was looking disapprovingly at my knees, it was very awkward. The guy passing out the Communion wafer gave me a big smile though, which made me feel like one hundred dollars. It was a little nothing, but it was one of the nicer things that happened to me this weekend. (I didn't have an awful weekend, it was just nice of him to smile at me.) I can sometimes do that, people have told me before that my smiling at them was really encouraging or cheering, but it's sort of risky, some people don't appreciate the gesture and think you're a creeper.